Would You Sacrifice Everything for Truth, Justice, and the American Way?
While everyone dreams of flying through the clouds or lifting a city bus with their bare hands, the actual reality of being a superhero would probably be more of a logistical nightmare than a glorious adventure. In the real world, having spectacular abilities would likely complicate your life in ways that comic books never seem to mention. With that in mind, here are 20 things to consider before wishing yourself some superpowers.
1. Massive Property Damage Lawsuits
Every time you throw a villain through a brick wall, you're looking at a huge financial liability that insurance companies definitely won't cover. You'd likely spend more time in a courtroom than in your secret lair. Literally, no matter how many lives you save, the city will come for you when the downtown skyscrapers are shattered glass.
2. The End of Your Privacy
Between cell phones and surveillance cameras, managing to keep a superhero secret would be difficult for anyone. Somebody will get your superhero face caught on camera or GPS-track you flying back to your nondescript apartment building. You'd quickly find that having a secret identity is a luxury that modern technology doesn't allow.
Sergey Galyonkin from Raleigh, USA on Wikimedia
3. Incredible Laundry Demands
Your adventures beating up space wizards will make your favorite costume covered in soot and magical goo. Traditional dryers won't cut it when it comes to keeping your cape stain-free after running into burning buildings all night. Expect to hire expensive dry-cleaning services when your clothes need washing.
4. Constant Physical Exhaustion
Let's be honest, you'd be tired all the time if you were running around saving civilians every day. Even if you have super-strength, the sheer toll of staying awake for days to stop a crisis will eventually catch up with your nervous system. You'll likely find yourself falling asleep in your breakfast cereal because your biological clock is completely wrecked.
5. A Permanent Lack of Free Time
You'd never hear the end of people complaining about their alien invasion or asking you to fix their problems. Life suddenly becomes way less chill when people constantly need your help. You can't even watch Netflix in peace.
6. Social Media Scrutiny
The Internet loves blasting celebrities whom they think don't deserve fame. Everything you do will be analyzed and critiqued by millions of strangers who think they could do your job better. If you save ten people but accidentally drop someone's groceries, you can bet that a viral video of your mistake will be trending by morning.
7. The High Cost of High Tech
Maintaining a fleet of custom vehicles or a utility belt full of gadgets requires a level of funding that most regular people just don't have. Unless you're a billionaire, you'll probably be fighting crime with duct tape and refurbished tech. Hopefully, your powers aren't tech-based.
8. Complicated Personal Relationships
Dating sucks when you have to cancel plans last minute because of a horde of zombies trying to eat downtown. "Sorry, babe, I can't make it to our anniversary dinner. I have to stop this giant monster from tearing the city apart." Spending so much time away from friends and family undoubtedly creates distance.
9. Unexpected Physics Problems
Have you ever tried to catch someone falling from a building while you're flying at 100 mph? Yeah, doesn't end well, especially when you consider physics. Comic books fail to take into account how most people won't survive that catch.
10. Government Regulation and Red Tape
It wouldn't take long for the feds to show up at your door demanding that you register your powers and sign a stack of non-disclosure agreements. You'd probably be forced to work under a specific department. Being a rogue hero sounds cool until you realize the National Guard is tracking your every move.
11. Severe Gear Malfunctions
Cape snags and mask fogging are real issues. If your jetpack stalls or your grappling hook jams mid-air, you're going to have a very bad day. You'd quickly learn that the more complicated your outfit is, the more likely it is to fail you at the worst possible second.
12. The Burden of Eternal Guilt
Heroes can only be in one place at a time, which means sometimes you just can't be everywhere crimes are happening. Watching yet another video of someone screaming for your help while you were off saving a cat will eat away at you. You'll never truly be happy with yourself because there's always that one person you couldn't save.
13. Health Insurance Nightmares
When you get attacked by a mutated shark that shoots lasers out of its eyes, your regular health insurance won't cover your treatments. Expect a complicated relationship with local physicians. You'd probably end up performing a lot of questionable first aid on yourself in your bathroom.
14. Identity Theft Risks
If a villain manages to figure out your real name, they won't just attack you; they'll probably try to ruin your credit and drain your bank account. Having a public persona makes you a prime target for hackers. You'd have to spend a ridiculous amount of time changing your passwords.
15. Constant Ethical Dilemmas
Life will constantly challenge you with dilemmas that make you question what's truly important. Trying to decide whether stopping a bank robbery is more important than a family getting kidnapped is mentally draining. The real world isn't black and white.
16. Environmental Impact Concerns
Breathing fire won't exactly be great for the environment or your coal plant down the street. Environmental groups might start protesting your battles because of the carbon footprint left behind by your various energy blasts. You'd have to be mindful that your attempt to save the day doesn't accidentally trigger a localized weather disaster.
17. Lack of Professional Recognition
Being a superhero isn't a real job, so unlike your favorite crimefighter, you'll receive no benefits. Instead of a 401(k) and health insurance, you get punched in the face for free on your way to work. Being a hero is a full-time job that you're paying yourself to do out of your own pocket.
18. The Toll of Chronic Injuries
Even if you heal quickly, the repetitive stress of leaping tall buildings will eventually do a number on your joints and tendons. You'd likely develop some very specific and strange physical ailments that no physical therapist has ever seen. By the time you're old, you'll feel twenty times your age because of how much your body has been through.
19. Unwanted Fanaticism
Being great at your job means lonely nights running from fans who think your superhero persona is their boyfriend. There will be some creepy people out there who take being saved by you a little too far, which ruins your morning jog. The concept of privacy goes right out the window.
20. The Difficulty of Retirement
Imagine spending your whole life catching bad guys, and then one day you just stop. Even if you retire from superhero duties, odds are, the villains you crossed will come after you. Living your best life will be anything but peaceful.
