People From Around The World Share The Moment They Realized They Were Dating An Idiot
People From Around The World Share The Moment They Realized They Were Dating An Idiot
It's not your fault. You met someone who made you feel special, you had some things in common, and you hit it off. You probably didn't start heavy on things like their politics, weird quirks, or completely illogical beliefs.
But one day, they said something that completely changed your perception of them. That was the feeling these poor souls had when they realized they were dating an idiot. Try to maintain your faith in humanity, and hey, at least it wasn't you!
76. Let Me Explain How Phones Work
75. Pump It Up
74. Allergic To The Facts
Image by Anna Sulencka from Pixabay
73. Too Sweet For This World
Was seeing this extremely attractive girl who would've normally been out of my league. Whatever, better to be lucky than good, right? We'd been on a few dates, and I took her to a restaurant. Halfway through the meal, she takes a sugar packet from the table, and puts it in her purse. I asked her what she was doing. "I collect sugar packets from restaurants I like. See?"
And then from her purse, she pulls out about 20 sugar packets. And they're ALL THE SAME. They weren't matchbooks, no names or logos, just a pile of white sugar packets. She then spent the next few minutes unsuccessful trying to identify which packet was from which restaurant. I can't say I noped out of there, but it was an "ah-ha" moment.
72. I've Gotta Take This
He started arguing with me when I asked him to stop looking at his phone while driving. Apparently, it's fine if you just glance at it every other second and only take your hands mostly off the wheel to mess with it. But what do I know? He's a "great driver" and if I don't like it I should just get my licence.
71. Gullible Guy
The guy fell for every scam. Someone on line was selling a supplement from a rare tree that was supposed to be healthy. He bought it. Amway told him he could become rich, he signed up. And then he started reading natural news and believed everything on there. I had to leave.
Last I heard, he and his wife just had a baby. He wouldn't let her use pain killers, and made her quit her job because he only wants the baby to get breast milk. He now works two jobs seven days a week. Apparently his wife has postpartum depression and he's blaming her for it and insists that she shouldn't have it because she was breastfeeding.
Looks like I dodged a bullet.
70. Do Not Pass Go
He didn't know he would get arrested for drunk driving. Apparently he though he could just argue with the cops and the judge and he would get his way. That's how he was raised, if he pestered his mommy for money long enough she'd cave and give him what he wanted. Then she would get wasted to drown her own disappointment. My ex was 30 and freaked out on his mom for not bailing him out. I think she was enjoying the silence and alone time.
69. Slim Pickin's Out There
Took home leftover ribs from a dinner. Put them into the trunk of his car. Forgot about them until like 4 days later and instead of throwing them out, just microwaved them for 8 minutes because “that should kill any bacteria.”
Dated him another full year.
68. Which Hospital?
Her online homework gave a tutorial mix and match quiz to make sure the program worked correctly on her computer. She was given "North America" and couldn't place it on a map. This is 100% real, I had to hold myself together to tell her where it was without being condescending. She's a nurse now.
67. Nice To Meet You, Miss...?
He didn't know my last name...after a year and a half of dating. The night he broke up with me, I straight up asked him "do you even know my last name?" and he sat there, trying to remember what it was, but then he shook his head and shrugged his shoulders in defeat.
Pixabay
66. Stay In School
He thought English and metric were the same system. And that the other one was called "standard." I told him no, that was not correct, that English was feet and inches and whatnot, and metric was base 10 meters/liters, and that neither was necessarily "standard."
He was like, "babe, I know what I'm talking about, I sell tools for a living." No, I know what I'm talking about, because I took 9th grade science.
This same guy got mad because I told him I would not need his help with my homework, and I would refer to my professors or school's tutors if I was struggling. He thought I was suggesting that he was too dumb to help me. But it had more to do with the fact that I was in upper level linguistics courses and he was in the process of flunking out of ITT Tech. (ITT does not offer a linguistics major.)
I don't think he knew to pump gas either.
Pixabay
65. Not A Mechanic
I was dating this girl and one time she asked to borrow some tools. An hour later I stepped outside to see her in the driveway attempting to knock out dents and scrapes from the front of her car with a hammer and a pair of vice grip pliers. She had hit something on the highway which smashed the hood, broke the headlight and mangled her bumper. This had happened months prior but she didn't file an insurance claim because she 'didn't want her rates to go up.' But here she is in a bikini 'making it easier for the auto-body shop to fix her car, if and when she decides to take it in.' She knocked off a ton of paint, it's going to rust through this winter, that's for sure.
Photo by Godisable Jacob from Pexels
64. That's A Fire Hazard
Every time I went to her house, there was small brown/melted "V" shapes in the carpet. I always wondered what they were..
Then one day, I went over one time and saw her hair straightener lying on the carpet. She left it on ALL THE TIME, and would just go to work. Like.. how have you not burned your apartment complex down yet?
Photo by Jodie Louise from Pexels
63. What Came First?
We were having dinner when I mentioned I couldn't eat cheese because I'm lactose intolerant. He asked how I could eat eggs. I told him that lactose was found in dairy, which comes from cows. He vehemently rejected my explanation that eggs did not come from cows and were not dairy, and wouldn't believe me until he googled it for himself.
62. Failure To Communicate
We were talking about loans.
I said I had $20,000 in student loan debt. He said he had something like $20,000, too. He then changed his answer to $40,000. Then thought about it and didn't know. I pressured him to actually figure it out.... turns out, he owed $120,000 in student loans. He blamed the loan company for not telling him how much he was taking out. He blamed them for making him pay it all back. I pointed out that the information was on the forms he signed every year. He said that it was unrealistic for them to make him read all of that information.
My favorite part is that his degree is in communication.
Photo by Moose Photos from Pexels
61. Lookin' Good
Years ago dated a guy who was a little vain to say the least. One day while playing cards I asked him to put on his mirrored aviator sunglasses because I found him sooooo attractive when he wore them. Needless to say I won every hand. That was 35 years ago and my mother still laughs at what an idiot he was.
Pixabay
60. Go West
I was riding the bus to school with my then girlfriend in 12th grade, I made some reference about us living on the West coast. She then began to correct me and say we live on the East coast. This argument continued for 15 min on the bus and people looked at her like she was crazy. It wasn't till later she found out we live on the West coast. We lived in California at the time.
Image by Michael Gaida from Pixabay
59. Use The Correct Pronunciation
He took me out to my favorite restaurant, a chic little upscale cafe, for dinner on Valentine's Day and made fun of the way I pronounced filet. He tried to get the waiter on his side. "Can you believe this? Hahaha! She wants the 'fill-ayyyy!" Then he leans upwards conspiratorially, "she means the fillit, obviously. Hahaha!"
Then he wouldn't shut up about it. I was like, "it's French, the -et sound is pronounced 'ay'" but he wasn't having it. Kept going on and on about how stupid I must be until he dropped me off at home. I told him we were done the next day.
Photo by bruce mars from Pexels
58. He Had Bad Jeans
My ex boyfriend saw a very large lady wearing double denim, then turned to me and said "wow, how many cows died for her outfit?!" At first I laughed then realised he wasn't really joking and after probing, genuinely believed that denim came from cows. It was the beginning of the end really.
57. Clever Johnny
Not me, but a best friend in high school. Hanging out with her, her boyfriend and my boyfriend. We were having a conversation on who the richest people in the world were. He says "I know who the richest guy in the world was! Johnny Appleseed!" We all laugh. He continues "Yeah because he invented oxygen." Unfazed by all our blank stares and silence he proceeds to say "because Johnny Appleseed invented trees, and trees make oxygen."
He was 100% serious.
56. Dubious About Scams
My ex was selling a computer on Craigslist and almost got caught in one of those scams where they send you a check for a much larger amount and have you cash it and send some of the money back to them. He went as far as to get the check mailed to him and asked me to take him to the bank. I insisted that it's a scam and even looked it up online to show him other examples. He still insisted on going to the bank. When we get there I have him tell the teller the story as to how he obtained this check. Of course the guy says it's a scam, but even then, he still doubted everyone and I know to this day he still regrets not cashing that check.
55. Play A Scary Tune
Picture this, High School 1980ish. Boyfriend and I went to see Friday the 13th movie and I would hide my eyes when the scary music started. Turns out I am not a fan of horror for sake of blood. After the movie my boyfriend was mad at me and accused me of seeing the movie before. He thought that that was why I knew something scary was coming up. It couldn't have been the formula scary music. Lol. That moment I decided to go to college and not marry my high school sweetheart.
Pixabay
54. Watch Your Head
When he nodded and said yes as the moving van rental guy explained the height of the truck and what clearance was needed... then half an hour later, he drove it into the parking garage at our apartment complex and ran it into a low beam, smashing the top of the truck.
Then he claimed he hadn't been warned about low clearances and I was making up/imagining the entire prior conversation.
Then he drove said moving truck at 80 mph on a speed-trapped highway. Trooper ticketed him, said he wasn't ticketing me because I really had no choice but to try to keep up with that idiot.
The relationship didn't last a whole lot longer.
Image by Christine Sponchia from Pixabay
53. Wow
We were sitting on the patio of a coffee shop. It was a wooden deck and one of the boards by his foot had a nail that was sticking out by about an inch. He was pushing down on it with his foot. Then he pulls out his phone. It becomes clear to me that he is about to start hammering the nail with his phone. I immediately begin trying to dissuade him. He just keeps insisting that it's fine because when he bought his phone they told him it was indestructible. I pointed out to him that we already know that's not true because the cover is broken. He still refuses to listen. He puts his phone over the nail and stomps on it. The phone breaks into pieces.
Photo by Abigail Keenan on Unsplash
52. Mister Universe Over Here
We were laying out under the stars and he asked why some were brighter and others dimmer. I told him that there were different sizes, brightnesses and distances away. Confused silence.
"You mean, they're not stuck up there?"
I'm lying there thinking this can't be true. But oh yes, it was. Upon further questioning I found that he believed the night sky was a big dark blanket like thing with stars stuck on it. The fact that our sun was a star also blew his mind and that just like our sun, other stars could have planets? Too much.
I was crushed. I almost broke up with him there and then. But he was very earnest and wanted me to "teach him." So I tried. Two years later and a whole lotta stupid later, we broke up.
51. Dating Doctor Dumb
She claimed to have a doctorate in 'emotionology'. A doctorate.
I asked her what her masters thesis was on and what her dissertation included. She looked at me like I was eating doorknobs dumb.
Insisted it was a legitimate study. Got angry if her friends didn't call her 'doctor' when introducing her. Kept a ledger of "unacceptable words and colours" that were not to be used in her presence. Her field of expertise proved that these words and colours oozed negativity and bred evil, causing murder etc.
One of the worst parts was meeting this whack job gaggle of friends she had that believed all her crap. It's like the stupid could be contracted and spread.
I could talk about that brief relationship for hours. The absolute horse crap this person believed, or fabricated was dumbfounding. Then there were completely logical concepts that just seemed downright alien to her. She could not grasp them at all. Such as the difference between the light spectrum of colour shades and pigment shades.
50. Still Waiting On That Delivery
I am a gay man in my late 30's. My partner is a couple years younger than I am, and we've been together for seven years.
I first noticed a problem when I mentioned something about the Holocaust and he had no idea what it was. I was pretty shocked, but his PhD (yes, PhD) is in a scientific field and I thought maybe he just didn't pay attention to other subjects, like history. As I got to know him I realized he really didn't know anything about anything. I'm talking basic stuff, like how checking accounts work and how to read a map.
I used to cut him a lot of slack thinking that he was just sheltered and from a different background, but lately I've decided he's just not the brightest bulb.
Last week, he decided to order pizza for delivery. We waited and waited and it never came. It turned out the restaurant he ordered from was in Massachusetts. We live in Florida.
I love him to death, but if we were a straight couple I would have serious reservations about breeding with this person.
49. Reader, I Married Him
This was about 10 years ago. We were talking about bar soap one day. He has sensitive skin and can only use certain brands of soap. I asked him if he had ever tried Ivory, because it's very mild. He got really serious and said, "God, no, I don't buy that soap. They kill elephants to make it."
We have been married for seven years.
48. 'R' Is For 'Racing'
There are a lot more, but the one I loved the most was every day she would put her car in neutral and push it out of her parking spot. I just assumed her shifter was broken or she had a bad transmission but didn't want to replace it since the car was like five-to-six years old at the time. One day I had to drive her home because she hurt her ankle and without even thinking about it, put the car in reverse, and she screamed at me when I put the car in "racing" to back it up. She seriously didn't know her car had reverse and for the three years she'd been driving it, had manually backed it up every single time.
47. Just Like Unicorns!
We were watching Django, and during the winter training montage, there is a moment where the camera pans over a herd of reindeer. At that moment, my ex said something about how she thought it was weird that they would include reindeer in the movie because it kind of breaks the immersion. I was confused and asked what she meant by that. She went on to explain to me how reindeer weren't real animals and just make-believe, like characters in a fairy tale (such as Rudolph and the rest of Santa's reindeer).
46. Kids These Days
When she flipped out because her third grader came home with "erect" on a spelling list, and was on the verge of calling the school. She honestly had lived her entire life not knowing "erect" had any other use aside from describing a part of the body.
45. One-Upped By His Cat
I had been dating this girl for a few months and it was Christmas time. We weren't super serious but it was serious enough that I was buying her Christmas presents. I found something for her that was perfect, and it had a connection to some funny event involving her and my cat. So I made the present from the cat. I thought I was being cute and she would make the connection. Instead, she got mad that my cat got her a present and I didn't. I thought she was joking. To make matters worse, we were at her parents' place and they backed her up. It was extremely awkward, and I realized it wasn't going to work out.
44. True North Is More Like A Feeling
Was on a hike and was following a trail I had read up on online. We get to a fork and I say, "Okay now we need to go north." She says, "haven't we been this whole time?" Confused, I look at her and ask why she says that. She replies, "North is the direction in front of you, yeah?"
Still not entirely sure about the origins of that logic.
43. My Pal Al
A girl I dated for 5 years thought Al Qaeda was a lone criminal named Al.
42. So Where Is Paris Then?
When she told me that she'd never been to France. I knew for a fact she went to Disneyland Paris every year.
"Paris isn't in France!" She insisted.
We live in the UK, not the USA or somewhere else.
41. His Hips Don't Lie
My ex was the oldest of six. We had been dating for about a week, both 20. I commented, "You have wide hips for a man." He replied, "It's from carrying children." I was totally baffled until his youngest brother walked in and he picked him up and held him to the side, rested on his hip, as you do with toddlers. I had to sit him down and explain that you don't get wide hips from literally carrying children around.
40. Hand Over Your Liver
He was getting his license renewed, and they asked him if he wanted to be an organ donor. He said no. When I asked why, he told me it was because he didn't want the government to come knocking for any of his organs when he still needed them. He really thought that becoming an organ donor meant that, at any time, his organs could be taken.
39. Fractions Are Not For Everyone
One of my friends in college was making macaroni and cheese, and they saw it said: "add 2/3 cup water." So they added three cups because they like a more liquidy sauce. They thought it was two or three cups depending on how you like the sauce.
38. Psychadelic Pharmaceuticals To Be Taken Before Travel
My first girlfriend, when I was 16, was a few cards short of a deck. Let's call her J. One day she and her best friend were hanging out at her place and apparently decided to rifle through her father's medicine cabinet to see whether there was anything of interest. She called me and the following conversation occurred:
J: You'll never believe what we just found!
Me: What did you find?
J: My dad has non-medical medication if you know what I mean!!
Me: Huh? Your dad is a lawyer and I don't think he would use that stuff let alone leave it around your house.
J: No, really! It says right here on the bottle!
Me: The bottle? You're telling me that your dad has a labeled bottle of this in his bathroom?
J: Well it's a prescription bottle and the prescription is for the stuff, so yeah.
Me: Tries to decide which of the numerous factual inaccuracies to point out, gives up and goes for it.
Me: Read me the label.
J: It says, "Take 1 tablet orally before travel."
Me: No... spell out the name for me.
J: *Spells out name*
Me: That's for motion sickness.
J: Ohhhhh.
37. Homeless People Have The Best Tans
I went on a first date where the girl "complemented" a homeless man on his "tan" for a good two minutes (felt like 20). She wouldn't stop talking about how nice it looked, and he was looking at me like, "Does she know I live in this park and am burned to a crisp after many hard years under the sun?" He was nice about it, but I felt really bad. This wasn't even the worst thing about the date. There was not a second one.
36. Alaska Zoo 2: This Time It's Personal
She and I were talking about new places that would be fun to check out around town, just pitching random ideas. She asks me, "Have you heard of the Alaska Zoo 2?" Confused at how a zoo could have a sequel, I ask her what she's talking about. "I saw this sign while driving down the road that said Alaska Zoo 2. Have you ever heard of it?"
It took me a second to realize that she was reading the road sign that told her it was two miles away and she thought there was some sort of "sequel" to the zoo.
35. False Advertising
When he told me that there was such a thing as a pickle plant. I tried to explain to him that pickles are cucumbers and that other things can be pickled and he refused to believe me, even after I got the jar of pickles from my fridge and showed him that the first ingredient was cucumbers. He then suggested the jar was lying.
34. The Metric System Is So Confusing
I had been seeing this guy for a month. Pretty, but not too bright. We went on a two-hour road trip to my cousin's house in Vancouver. They were "eccentrically trendy" and had weird things all over the house, like a picture of a squirrel in undergarments, etc.
He used their bathroom and clogged the toilet. He came out and quietly asked my cousin where they kept their plunger. My cousin went into the bathroom and handed him the plunger that was sitting next to the toilet.
My ex said, "Oh, I've never seen this style before. Is it Canadian?" (We are from the U.S.). Without skipping a beat, my cousin said, "It's metric," and walked out.
About 20 minutes later, my ex came up to me and said, "I need your help, I can't figure out this thing!" I went to the bathroom, and immediately saw his problem.
The business end of the plunger was inside out (shaped like a bowl rather than a dome), and he was attempting to plunge with it but not getting any suction. I laughed, flipped it back, and told him to now try it, which it obviously worked just fine.
He came out, and I am serious, said to my cousin, "I think you were lying to me about it being metric, it was just flipped inside out." My cousin looked at me and had to leave the room before he started laughing hysterically.
On the trip home, he told me that he didn't know how to drive in kilometers and asked if I could drive back over the border. This didn't come up before because I drove there, he was to drive back.
I broke up with him when we got home.
33. Geography For Dummies
So me and my girlfriend were listening to a podcast about the Cold War. The podcast mainly talked about the nuclear armament race between the United States and the former Soviet Union. Me being a history geek, I asked my girlfriend if she could name other countries at the present that had nuclear capabilities. She asked if Iraq was one of them. As I was about to answer, she paused me and asked the following. "Hey, babe wait! Is the correct pronunciation of Iraq, Iran?"
I looked at her dumbfounded and said, "You do realize Iraq and Iran are not the same country, right?"
She looked back at me like a caveman who just discovered a fire.
32. Directional Failure At Its Finest
I was dating a soon-to-be nurse. She had driven up from Provo, Utah to drop her friend off at the airport in Salt Lake City. She called me on her way back, hysterical. Like bawling and incomprehensible types of hysteria. Her problem? She saw a sign that said she was heading to Las Vegas and she didn't want to go to Las Vegas. She wanted to come back home to Provo. For a little background for those not familiar with Utah, Salt Lake City lies along I-15. About six hours south of it is the small town of Las Vegas, Nevada. So technically, yes, she was headed to Las Vegas. Provo also sits right along I-15, only about an hour south of Salt Lake City. There are no other ways to Vegas. There are no other ways to Provo. I had to calmly tell her to just keep going (she didn't believe me) and she would find Provo. We didn't last long after that.
31. A Relative Of The Six-Headed Emu
My girlfriend and I are walking down a trail through an orchard. A bird flies overhead and she turns to me and asks, "What kind of bird is that?" (like I'm some kind of bird expert). I look at her and say with a straight face, "An Australian flame goose." She continues walking, and looks deep in thought. After a minute, she turns and asks, "What is it doing in America?" I respond with, "What are German Shepards doing in America?"
She accepted that as a perfectly reasonable answer and went about our walk.
30. Who Cares About The South Anyway
Back when Russia invaded Georgia (former Soviet Republic), a week after it started my ex said, "I can't believe they're not going to send troops to stop the Russians!" I began saying that it wasn't our job to police the world, and we certainly shouldn't get involved in a land war against Russia in their own backyard. But then after a few minutes, I realized she thought that Russia had invaded Georgia (U.S. state).
I broke up with her soon after.
Youtube
29. Maybe We Should Re-Name Them 'Slow Bumps'
We were driving down a neighborhood with speed bumps, and after accelerating over the third speed bump:
Me: What the heck are you doing?
Her: It's a speed bump.
Me: Yeah, I know. Why are you flooring it before the bump?
Her: That's what they are for, right? Speed over them.
28. Calorie Counting Fail
I was very interested in this one girl, but never ended up dating her. This was back around 2005, when all of these 100-calorie packaged snacks came out. She and her friend would share six or seven bags, open one and share the contents inside, then on to the next and so forth. She said that since they are sharing, they are consuming fewer than 100 calories, as in altogether. I tried to explain to them they are sharing 600-700 calories between the two of them. "NO! We're sharing each bag! So it's less than 100!"
I also tried to explain to them that they would save money by purchasing a large/family sized bag of their snacks instead of opening many small individual bags. But they still argued with their logic of there are too many calories in the larger bags.
27. Car Battery? Who Needs It?
When we went on holiday and I drove her car during the day, she got mad that I turned the headlights on (habit). She informed me that I was wasting gas, and the battery could die on the way. After explaining it several times to her, she got mad and insisted we drop it and I turn the lights off. I turned the lights off. She turned the radio on. I smacked the radio off and jokingly yelled, "WE CAN'T AFFORD THAT KIND OF GAS MONEY! WHAT IF THE BATTERY DIES? WHAT ARE WE MONEY MCRICHYPANTS? THIS CAR HAS NO GIGAWATTS TO SUSTAIN US!!!" She was not amused. Then she explained in depth that the radio gets its power from the radio waves, so I am wrong, again. She is married now and working on her Master's.
26. Just A Separate Species Entirely, No Big Deal
My spouse has moments.
At a pond that had ducks and geese, tells our child, "Look at all the baby geese! Aren't they adorable!"
I looked at the pond and saw no baby geese. Just adults birds.
Me: Uh, what baby geese? I don't see any babies.
Him: What? You don't see all those babies? There's lots of them!
And that's when I realized he was referring to the ducks.
Me: You think those ducks are baby geese? Those are ducks. Ducks are different then geese. All of those ducks are adults. They aren't babies.
25. If Pencils Aren't Heavy, Neither Is Lead
She argued with me about whether or not lead (as in a lead vest) was heavy. She argued on the side of it not being heavy. For 20 minutes until I pointed out to her that, as a nurse, she had worn a lead vest herself when helping with x-rays. Her defense was that "there is lead in a pencil but they aren't heavy."
Best Life
24. And Shiba Inus Speak Japanese, Too
He started speaking to my friend's dog in German. We asked what he was doing, and he goes, "What? This is why they call them German Shepard."
We laughed, he didn't.
"No seriously, the reason why they're called German Shepherds is because when you're training them, they understand German commands faster than English commands."
I think we lasted two weeks after that.
23. It's A Vegetable?
First time cooking together. I handed him a block of cheese to grate and he turned to me and said " I've never grated cheese before, how do you use this thing?" then about a half hour later he apologized for being vegan and said "sorry about my dietary restrictions, vegan recipes can be hard to find." never did he say he was vegan then I told him if he was vegan we'd have to make a different dish because of the cheese. He replied with "why would you think I couldn't have cheese? I'm vegan, I can have vegetables." he actually thought cheese was a vegetable....and he was "vegan".
22. The Multiplying Powers Of Mirrors
At a fast food restaurant with a giant mirror on the wall, I noticed her staring at a man standing beside it, so I asked her what was wrong. She replied with, "Are those two guys twins? Because they are wearing the same shirt."
21. The Easiest Way To Cook Rice
He was cooking a stir-fry and was almost finished with the meat and vegetables, so I asked him if he was serving it with rice or noodles. He said rice, but I didn't see any, so I replied that he probably should have cooked the rice first. He snapped back, "I have. It's in the fridge." I opened the fridge to find a bowl of raw rice covered with water and informed him that you can't cook rice in the fridge. He replied smugly, "Yes you can. I saw it on a cooking show. The chef said, 'Here's some rice I prepared earlier in the fridge.'" Clearly, he was unaware of the fact that cooking shows are edited and the rice had been cooked and then stored in the fridge. Poor dear, probably moved back into his mum's basement after that.
20. They Live In The Future
When she asked what month it is in Australia.
19. Numbers Aren't Her Strong Suit
We were watching a generic action movie when the bad guy said, "I want one-hundred-million dollars!" And she started giggling.
I asked her what was so funny and she said, "One-hundred-million," in a mocking tone, "that's not a real number!"
18. How Babies Are Made Is Still Not Clear
I'm a girl and the girl I used to date told me to use a contraceptive so that way she wouldn't get pregnant. Then while arguing, she told me that if she ends up getting pregnant, I have to assume responsibility as a father. I'm a girl. Woman. We are both. Females.
17. Dual-Mode Chopsticks
The setup is almost like the start of a bad joke. I was in high school dating a blond cheerleader. I'm half-Asian and I was eating something with metal chopsticks. I noticed she was looking at me with her gears turning. I asked her, "What's up?" She asked me, "How do you guys eat soup?" Trying my best to keep a straight face, I said: "Oh, the ends of the chopsticks pop off and we can use them as straws." "Oh! That makes sense!" And she accepted that without further question.
16. An Animal Rights Activist
It was about 10 years ago. We were talking about bar soap one day. He has sensitive skin and can only use certain brands of soap. I asked him if he had ever tried a specific brand I use, because it's very mild. He got really serious and said, "Oh no, I don't buy that soap. They use elephants to make it."
We have been married for seven years.
15. What Happens When You Take Things Too Literally
My girlfriend thought a "new moon" on the calendar meant a brand new moon floated in out of space and replaced the old one. We didn't last long after that.
14. Not The Sharpest Tool In The Shed
My brother's ex compelled me to keep a running list of things she said:
In the break room at work, after someone suggests making popcorn in the microwave, "You can't use that microwave for popcorn! It doesn't have a "popcorn" button!" This was at RadioShack, where she sold electronics for a living.
While watching my brother hang trousers on those clamp-style hangers: "Is that what those are for??" "Uh, yeah. What did you think they were for?" "I don't know. I threw all mine away because they made all my shirts square."
Me, "You at least know The Rolling Stones, right?" "Duh. The t-shirt company." Me, "Huh?" Her, "You know, they make all those shirts with the big mouth and tongue on them."
Photo by Jessica Lewis on Unsplash
13. Other Options
So I came home one day and saw my (now ex-wife) sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor vacuuming a huge pile of sugar and crying. She spilled 5lbs when the bag ripped. The vacuum was burning up and nearly caught fire trying to get the sugar up.
I walked over to the broom and dustpan 2 feet away from her and cleaned the mess up in seconds.
This isn't why we are divorced but was only a harbinger of much more stupidity to come over the years.
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12. High Beams
One night she was driving us in her car (my first time) and I noticed a few oncoming vehicles flash their headlights. Sure enough, she had her high beams on. Turns out she thought the universal blue symbol for high beams on the dashboard just meant "headlights are on." She had been driving that new car with high beams on all day and night for at least 6 months. I told her how to turn her high beams off and she pretty much had a complete meltdown and got angry at me for "making her feel stupid."
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11. Blind Dog
He was worried about his dog, Ben, getting older and thought it was strange that Ben was growing eyebrow whiskers. I told him when dogs start going blind they grow antennae like ants have so they can get around. "Oh no, Ben's going blind!"
10. Fire Breathing Dragons
Realized my roommate's girlfriend was dumb when she paused Game of Thrones to ask the room if "dragons used to be real".
9. How Many Months?
I was talking about how lucky the day must be, it was (07/07/07). She commented, "Just think about how unlucky it will be on 13/13/13." I was unaware that Jafebruary was a month.
Photo by Eric Rothermel on Unsplash
8. Dehydrated Grapes
We were using a dehydrator to make some dried fruit chips. Apples, bananas, etc. She looks at me and says "I wonder what dehydrated grapes would taste like?" Me, "Probably a lot like raisins." Her, in all seriousness, "Do you really think so?"
7. Almost, But Not Quite
She told me to "get off my high tree."
She still doesn't realize it's "horse."
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6. They Will Find You
The other day an older guy at work told me the story of taking a girl out when he was younger, and she asked if ambulances just drove around all day looking for hurt people. The date ended pretty shortly after that.
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5. If Only She Drove A Helicopter
When my grandma was on her deathbed, my uncle and his girlfriend showed up like everyone else to say their goodbyes. They drove separately though, and the girlfriend's name was Holly. And as everyone was saying goodbye, a nurse came over to the physician's assistant and gave a description of Holly's car, saying it was parked on the helipad. And when she heard this, she said, "I thought the H was for Holly!" And proceeded to leave and move her car to yet another helipad.
4. Too Dumb To Take The Hint
I was a high school senior, he was a community college freshman. We started dating at the end of his senior year. He was going to community college because of money. After his first day of classes, I jokingly asked, "so what did you learn today sweetie?", like he was a kindergartner. He proceeded to tell me that in his U.S History class they did a brief overview of the semester, and that they were going to be learning about the 52 states. I thought he was playing along with me and laughed. He didn't understand what was funny. He was very surprised when I corrected him. Also he called collard greens, colored greens, "because they are green". Also not a joke.
His time at college did not last long, but unfortunately, our relationship did. I had to break up with him on three separate occasions, not because we had gotten back together, but because each time he literally didn't understand that we had broken up. Even though I had said, in person, to his face, "I don't think our relationship is working out anymore, and I think it's best for us to break up. It doesn't mean I hate you or anything, I just don't think it's working, and I do not want to continue trying." The first two times, he was VERY understanding, and agreed. And then I would get a call/text a few days later, asking why I wasn't talking to him and when our next date was. The third time, I was not as nice. Told him straight up, "I do not want to date you anymore. We are not longer dating. You are not my boyfriend anymore, please give me space." Such an idiot.
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3. Have You Tried Hooked On Phonics?
Not someone I was dating, but a colleague of mine was dating this guy...
It was a group of recent graduates working as software developers, and we were all just hanging out, having some drinks, and someone had bought a copy of Cards against Humanity.
We start playing, and he's asking her about a few of the cards - not unusual - there are some American references that people here tend not to get. But soon it becomes painfully clear that he is just flat out struggling to read the words on the cards. Not the more esoteric stuff either, just a lot of the standard words. Young child level reading.
This moment was heartbreaking. Everyone in that room took reading completely for granted - we are talking about a group of software developers with degrees.
Fortunately people were tactful about it and while he was obviously initially self-conscious for that round, it's a free-form enough game people pushed it into a form that included him more - people laughed longer at things when he was trying to read something to give him time, or defined more unusual terms casually as they praised the joke or whatever ("that's good - I like the wordplay with X and Y"). He seemed to take part and enjoy it, and I don't think people came away as patronising.
"Idiot" has such negative connotations, and the guy wasn't necessarily stupid, but rather clearly not educated. This guy was genuinely nice, and it's horrific to me that anyone can reach twenty years old with such poor literacy in the UK. I can't imagine my life like that - reading is such a huge part of it in so many ways.
Photo by Lisa Fotios from Pexels
2. When Dumb Goes Deep
She didn't know how many provinces her country had or who the prime minister was.
I'm American, she was Canadian, one day I said "There's 10 provinces and three territories right?" and she said "I don't know." and I assumed she meant she mean that she "didn't know" about the number of territories for certain. I don't know every single US territory and protectorate and what-not of the US so I said "Ok well the 10 provinces part is right..." mostly to myself and she said "I don't know."
This led to a conversation I wish hadn't happened. It made her feel stupid, it made me exasperated and disappointed, and over time completely changed the way I felt about her. We both ended up unhappy and eventually split and it started with this conversation.
That one question led to a whole set of discussions where I quickly realized she was extremely shallow (not in the sense that she only cared about looks, but in the sense that she had no depth of personality. No real opinions or strongly held beliefs or convictions of any kind). It was awful. She was an intelligent person, sweet and funny and talented and beautiful, but she had no interest in the world outside herself and some of the people immediately in it. You might think that's not a big deal but it was because it also resulted in her having nothing to say. She liked to have shallow conversations about her day and what she did at work and what happened on some tv show, but she never had any opinion on anything else. Hell she didn't even have strong opinions on those things. She never stopped to think about WHY something was happening at work or what the motivations of people or characters were, she didn't care how things turned out. She just sat there and absorbed TV like a sponge with no thought or consideration as to what was going on. When we were alone together it was like there was... No one to talk to.
In hindsight I had noticed this issue before but always dismissed it as not a big deal but once it was brought to the forefront I quickly found that I really disliked never having a conversation about anything except day to day life.
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1. The Really Realest
We were driving around this weird part of Las Vegas and I said, "This is surreal." He said, "I know. It's so real." I repeated, "Surreal" and he repeated, "So. Real."
