When it comes to honeymoons, the stakes couldn't be higher. This first trip as a newly-minted couple tends to show whether a couple is going to make it in the long run, or not. For people who work in popular honeymoon destinations, the ability to tell which it's going to be is like a superpower. From deeply buried secrets to a case of indecent exposure, these honeymoon tell-alls will have you questioning whether these consummation vacation are as sweet as the name implies.
35. Worth A Thousand Words
A couple came into my camera shop during the old days of film, and explained that they were honeymooning. They were concerned about their camera roll from the honeymoon seemingly going on forever. Like way past the normal 36 frames. When I told them there was no film in the camera, the honeymoon ended right there--at least for the poor husband whose job it had been to load the camera. If looks could kill...
34. Too Rowdy For Their Own Good
I work at a hotel restaurant. One day we hosted a wedding reception for a young couple who paid for unlimited beverages. The party was a blast. People had tons of fun. Around 2am the bride and groom and their closest friends finally left the restaurant to go to back to their room. Apparently they decided to all hang out in a room for a while and continue the party. From what I heard, at some point the maid of honor called the bride something terribly rude, and the groom socked said maid of honor in the face. She ran screaming to the front desk and called the police. The groom was arrested and taken to jail on his wedding night for assaulting the maid of honor!
1 year later the couple returned to the restaurant for their anniversary. They were super cool and seemed really happy.
33. Didn't Know This Was An Option
I used to work at a Hilton Hotel near Disney. Once, a newlywed couple came down from their room and after informing me that they had just gotten married said they were looking for the nearest "topless restaurant." I was perplexed by how forward they were and why they would want to spend their wedding night at a topless restaurant. Nevertheless, I directed them toward a sleazy part of town and told them they could find plenty down this one specific road. I later told my co-worker what had just happened and what they were looking for. He called me an idiot and said, "they probably asked for a Tapas restaurant." Well. That was the first time I had heard of tapas.
32. Be Sure To Listen Carefully Next Time
I'm the evening maintenance at a resort and received a call once about a room with a lightbulb out. I thought, "cool, something to do." So I hopped on my one speed golf cart and made way to the room with lightbulb in hand. I arrived to said room and knocked on the door before announcing "maintenance!" I heard a man say "come in!" So I grabbed my key card, swiped myself in, and lo-and-behold the hairiest Russian dude and his smoking hot wife jumped out of their bed and began buttoning up their drawers. They were as wide eyed as deer in the headlights. I 180°, tractor beamed my eyeballs to the floor, apologized and waited outside of the door. When Hairy the Russian opened it instead of going in to change the bulb I said "here you go" handed it to him and high tailed it out of there. I guess he had actually said "coming" and that I had misheard from behind all that chest hair. And, I suppose, his accent.
31. The Ten Feet High Club
I was in Mexico with my mother and sister. As we were walking down an outdoor path in the resort, we saw a young girl crying and her boyfriend walking behind her, frantic. They were both covered in cuts and bruises, surrounded by security and medical and of course on their honeymoon. I asked one of the staff what happened. The couple was making love on their balcony and fell off! Apparently not too high off the ground, but high enough to be beaten and shook up.
30. Happy Birthday!
I'm currently on my honeymoon in Delhi, India, and we are from Northern Ireland so not exactly used to the cuisine. My new wife was just sick at the side of the road, and it's my birthday.
29. This Could Get Sandy
I live on Maui and worked for a while at Enterprise (car rental). Once I had lined up a new job, I felt I could get away with anything. This newlywed couple had an economy car reservation and wanted to upgrade to a Mustang Convertible. It was supposed to be an EXTRA $100 PER DAY, which the guy could obviously not afford based on the look on his face when I told him. I gave it to them anyway and for free because there was sand in the front seat that I didn't feel like vacuuming. They jumped up and down and hugged me and said I made their honeymoon. The feels.
28. Adorable With A Dash Of Innocence
In high school I lived in a tourist town and worked at a video store. One night a Mennonite couple came in and mentioned they were on their honeymoon. They rented Anne of Green Gables.
27. The Gift That Keeps On Giving
I was serving at a wedding a few years ago that probably fits in the "most embarrassing" category. It was the part of the reception where everyone gives a speech or a quick toast. When we weren’t serving we were expected to line up a specific way and stand there facing the bridal party from across the room. The bride's mother got up and told this very touching speech about how she wished grandma had been able to see the wedding and what a beautiful bride her daughter was. Then she pulled out this box and said she had something from grandma for her. She pulled out this old doll, the kind with the huge fluffy dress that people use to set on the bed as decoration. She handed it up to the bride who then explained to her guests how she’d loved this doll since she was a kid and had wondered what happened to it after grandma died. So the photographer went up to get a picture of her with the doll and right as she posed this little silver ball on a cord fell out of the bottom of the doll. At first I didn’t know what it was but the bride picked it up, took a look and dropped it with a shriek that set the crowd off. One of my coworkers had to explain to me it was a certain type of adult toy and that it was probably grandma's. To this day I wonder what kind of photos, if any, the photographer caught of that moment.
26. Like An Old Married Couple
One time in the LAX airport, I saw a couple vehemently arguing and making accusations of fault about seat changes, flight plans, etc., all the way up to the boarding pass counter. Then, when they got up to the counter, they explained politely and cheerfully to the flight attendant that they were on their way to their honeymoon and needed to check their seats.
Pixabay
25. But Was It Worth The Price Of Your Job?
I'm a wedding photographer. A groom that had recently returned from his honeymoon told me the story of how he got his $15,000 honeymoon free of charge. He and his brand new lady wife had just checked in to the honeymoon suite of a palatial island paradise after a long flight from London. Having showered after their journey they retired to the bed to, cough, celebrate their new union.
Once the throes of passion had subsided, the groom told me that he had noticed the drapes by the window move a little. He jumped up and pulled them aside only to find a bellhop concealed there - and, you guessed it, having a bit of fun with himself.
Naturally they complained and the manager, seeking to minimize the damage, fired the employee on the spot and basically traded the full stay in return for them taking the incident no further.
24. He Pushed The Wrong Buttons
When I was about 10 my family was in NYC for vacation and we were walking down the sidewalk when we saw a man in a tux and a woman in a wedding dress arguing. When we stopped at the crosswalk I overheard their argument and the woman took off her ring and yelled at the guy "Well why don't I just give that kid my ring if it doesn't mean anything to you?!" and pointed at me. The man quickly tried to hush her but it didn't work as she started to yell louder. We got the heck out of there.
Image by Ina Hoekstra from Pixabay
23. He Thought He Couldn’t Live Without Her
I worked as a guest service agent/bellman at a nice hotel chain. One weekend during a wedding in one of our banquet rooms I was befriended by a groomsman. Chubby little guy, but very nice nonetheless. I participated in a few staged wedding shots around the hotel and what not. After getting to know them a little bit I found the entire group of bridesmaids and groomsmen were very close. The chubby little guy was particularly close to the bride. I thought nothing of it.
As their reception began later in the evening I was paged by the front desk to visit a room that had a call for distress (these pages are normal on a wild Saturday night). I grabbed security and went up to said room. The groomsman that I had befriended earlier was near death at his own hand. The call for distress actually came from his mother who was living in the same city and was the first person he had called to inform her of what was happening.
Long story short, we wheeled him out to the ambulance and the bride and groom were there waiting for us in the lobby. As he was leaving with the crew he told the bride that he was sorry and that he hadn't intended to ruin the day of her wedding but that he loved her too much to go on. They had a short exchange and then he was whisked away. The bride was FURIOUS. Apparently he handed her a letter of reasons why they were supposed to be together as well. Meanwhile, the groom was just completely dumbfounded. He had no clue. One of the most ridiculous and awkward things I've seen at a wedding. Oh the groomsman was fine! Made a full recovery. Not sure if they're still hanging out though.
22. Spread The Love Around
I used to be a bouncer at a place that was part of a major hotel in San Francisco. People would get married and have their reception in the hotel and then head to the to where I worked after. One night a couple 2 hours fresh from the altar and their party came by. They were all having fun but the bride was beyond normal behaviour and causing problems (stumbling into people, being too loud and trying to cross the VIP rope that I'm guarding). Well, she got across the rope and while I was trying to persuade her to go back to the other side she started flirting with me and saying, "You think you can handle me?" Her husband was about 3 feet away with his jaw on the floor. I asked him to control his wife and he snapped out of his shock. He grabbed her wrist and dragged her out of the club swearing up a storm. I still feel bad for the guy.
21. Bottoms Up
I worked as a bartender at a pretty nice hotel. There was a big convention center attached to it with a lot of meeting rooms and a huge ballroom. I wasn't always aware what was going on at the convention center unless the hotel was full on account of an event being held there.
It had been a fairly quiet night and I didn't have anyone else sitting down when a guy took a seat there and ordered something. I got it for him and he looked like he was kind of upset, like something was really weighing on him, but I didn't want to pry. Some people don't always want to talk.
This guy did.
He said, "Aren't people like you supposed to listen to your problems?"
I said, "Sure man. What do you want to talk about?"
He begins to tell me that he had gotten married that day. They had had their reception next door and were staying the night in the hotel. I congratulated him, but am a bit confused as to why he's sitting here by himself on his wedding night. He tells me that he's in his 30's and his bride is 26. They had been together at least a year and a half. And she's never, you know, before marriage. And he, well, has.
I'm still confused as to why he's not consummating his new marriage, and he then tells me she was so nervous about their "big night" that she had too much fun at the wedding and was in the room fast asleep after having gotten sick.
I had to take a second to keep my composure and not chuckle at this poor guy's misfortune because he was obviously really upset about it. He explained that they're taking a flight out tomorrow and then getting on a cruise for their honeymoon. I did my best to try and reassure him and be optimistic. I said something about nerves and I was sure that everything would work out for him on the cruise.
He seemed a little better than he was when he first sat down, but he still looked frustrated, and who could blame him? He ordered another beverage and went back to his room.
20. It Was A Nice Thought At Least
It wasn't even remotely close to a honeymoon hotspot, and that was the sad part. I was 17 and working at a particularly bad open-air motel on the night shift next to the nicest hotel in town (which wasn't saying much). A young couple came in practically in tears because the honeymoon suite they'd booked at the nicer hotel had rented out their room, and there wasn't anywhere else to stay, so they had to come here - literally the only motel in town that had a single room to rent. I felt terribly sorry for them and gave them the biggest discount I could, and let them into that last messy little room. While they were getting their luggage, I remembered the suite right above the office that was usually rented out as an apartment. It wasn't any great shakes of an apartment, but it was the best we had. I didn't say anything to the couple right away, but went upstairs and did the best I could to scrub off the dust and spiders and rub a bleach rag over the linoleum. It took me about an hour and I was pretty proud of myself for getting the room ready as quick as I had, given the decrepit condition it was generally left in. I threw the bleach rags and dirty linens in the laundry room, and went to go bring the couple to their fancyish new suite. I knocked, but no one came to the door. The new husband eventually asked what I needed and I told them about their room - I was sadly puzzled that they didn't seem to want to leave or even check it out. They didn't even come to the door or turn on the lights, and I could hear the new bride giggling. I made my way sadly back to the front office and concluded that they must have been really tired after such a long day. They sounded a lot happier than they did when they first came in though, so I figured my efforts weren't a total waste.
19. But I Just Saw Her Take A Sip
This just happened a few days ago. I work at an upscale hotel chain on the coast in Florida, we get a lot of international guests.
This couple wasn't on their honeymoon but they were clearly married and on a special trip. They were both French and in their late 60's. I was working at the pool and the husband walked up to me looking for a towel. As he was walking up I noticed his wife pull out a bottle and take a serious pull right out of the bottle. We have a no-glass policy on the pool deck and not wanting to make a scene I grabbed a couple plastic cups and asked the husband if he could put their beverage in them. He looks really outraged/offended when I asked and he said "my wife doesn't drink." Well I was pretty confused at this point but I just said whatever it is, could they put it in the cups? He took the cups and walked back over to their chairs and after some heated conversation she stormed out but not without giving me a witheringly dirty look on her way. I walked over to the guy to apologize, and told him that I didn't mean to upset them and that I was just doing my job, etc. Turns out she was supposed to be in recovery and had been pretending to be sober.
The guy ended up crying as he sorta explained what the big deal was. It was pretty awkward. I think it was probably for the best that it came out though.
18. C’mon, I Know You’re Not Engaged
I worked at a Dairy Queen.
Anyway, this couple comes up to the counter, gushing and talking about how they just got married X days ago. They were clearly looking for someone to comp their "first shared Blizzard."
What they did not realize was that I KNEW the girl involved and from a church-related thing no less. The relation was just distant enough that she didn't recognize me outside of that context. Clearly, they were dating or friends or something and decided to try to get free ice cream -- if she'd truly been engaged, I would've known.
Anyway, I said in my sweetest voice, "Sure, [name of girl], and congrats!"
Her face was priceless both at the time, and later when I saw her among church people. Totally worth the money I had to eat for the Blizzard.
17. What Provoked Him?
One time we had a couple who had just gotten married spend their wedding night with us before they were to fly out the next day for their honeymoon. We made sure the room was perfect, even comping them some free stuff! Then, at about 1:00am, we got several complaints from the surrounding rooms that they were screaming at each other. Not ecstatic kind of screams. More like "Yeah, go ahead and cry, you jerk!" kind of screams.
So, our protocol in such a situation is to call the cops for a domestic dispute. Turns out the guy had punched through our wall. He was arrested, and she spent her wedding night alone. Great foundation for a marriage.
16. Save The Date
Not really a honeymoon story but I thought I'd share. I used to work at a big hotel and one week we had a LGBTQ+ wedding. The ceremony/reception went well with about 60 people in attendance. For the night the couple had booked one of the bigger rooms as they were expecting about 200 people. So we set up all the tables/buffet and the DJ sets up all prepared for what we expected to be a massive night. Cut to 11pm and I walked into this big room to find about 25 people and one of the groom's crying in the arms of the other. Unfortunately they had booked their wedding the same weekend as our city's Pride festival, so no one had shown up to the night party and half the people from the day had left to attend the festival. We felt so bad for them... he was just crying all night. Poor guys.
15. As Long As You Know That He’s Still Ours
When my cousin got married, her new in-laws prepaid a trip for them to honeymoon in his home country (Portugal). They ended up having to spend the entire vacation visiting with his family members at their homes instead of having fun in a hotel room. Both were not happy but didn't say anything to his parents since they had paid for the entire wedding.
I felt bad for my cousin. She was forced to have his sisters as bridesmaids and all they did was complain about how she was stealing their only brother away from them. Her mother in law did not approve of the fact that she was not Portugese, and then even angrier at the fact that she didn't put any effort in trying to learn the language. Her new husband had to come in and do damage control on his psycho family.
The wedding was beautiful, but his family was crazy.
14. He Won By One Digit
My brother used to work at a big restaurant/resort that would often do weddings. One night they were hosting a large dinner party for all the guests of a wedding from earlier that day. Of course at that point everyone was pretty far gone so the groom ended up getting into a fight with one of the bride's distant uncles. I kid you not, the uncle ended up biting off the grooms finger and swallowing it so he couldn't reattach it. Everyone was freaking out and the groomsmen ended up beating up the uncle until the removed finger came back out.
13. The Love Bite Wasn’t From Her
I had just finished teaching newly weds how to ballroom dance. I saw the gent had a love mark on his neck so made a joke about it. Bad move. They had a fight and he stormed off leaving her crumpled in a heap on the dance floor. I tried to console her the best I could but it was messed up. She was waaaay out of his league anyway.
One other note I remember was that the girl I had for my next lesson saw the whole thing (everybody did) and was impatiently tapping her watch at me.
12. The Storm Did It, Not Us
We went to the Caribbean for our honeymoon (it was awesome, we want to go back).
Our villa had a hammock strung between the handrails. We were laying in the hammock together reading books but because there had been a tropical storm for the first couple days the thing was warn and so it broke and dropped us on the ground.
We had to go in and tell the front desk/reception that it was broken and asked that it be fixed. With the look they gave us, I'm absolutely positive they did not believe we were just laying in it reading a book. My wife kept turning red and I was having a hard keeping a straight face.
11. The Brutal Truth Will Come Out One Way Or Another
I used to work at a large hotel where weddings/receptions would be held on a regular basis. One night, after their wedding, a newlywed couple broke out into a fight in their suite. We received many noise complaints from people in the rooms nearby. Turns out, the new bride had become violent towards her freshly minted husband. The cops ended up taking her to jail.
10. Their Friends Were There.. Or Were They?
I manage I small fancy B&B in New England. While the newlyweds partied, their friends had the run of the place. Around 1 am a fool knocked on my door to ask if I had any more "refreshments". This, after explaining that I do not drink, several times earlier in the evening. In the morning they all left without getting breakfast--rushing out as fast as possible. In a pile on the bathroom floor of the room the couple were in was about 6 towels. Every one of them was soaked with something that was not water.
9. They Didn’t Envision Showing Up In Style That Way
I used to be an EMT in my hometown and one evening we had a call about a hit and run at the local hotel. We got to the scene and found two belligerently inebriated patients; one with a messed up leg and the other who couldn't feel anything below his neck. Turns out it was the groom and his father, and that they had been run over by a friend of theirs while attempting to dissuade him from driving home under the influence.
We had to call a second ambulance in to take the father, and all the way there we heard nothing from the groom except about how he was going to kick our butts (they were both REALLY gone).
The father had a broken femur and had to get his leg amputated, and the groom is now a quadriplegic basically because they were trying to help a drunk friend. That was by far the saddest thing I had to deal with while I was an EMT. I had to deal with people dying unexpectedly, but this was so much worse; because this was the night of their wedding, hell they were still in their Tuxedos.
8. Please Stay Behind The Rail
I used to work at Yellowstone and the worst story I heard about, which happened a few years before I worked there, was a newlywed couple from Utah who wanted to get a photo near the upper falls. They climbed over the protective railing to get the shot and she fell over.
7. Uh… We Kind Of Needed Those
I was on a vacation in southern Africa, and when we went to Zambia to see Victoria Falls there was a honeymooning couple in the suite next to ours. These were open-air suites. A couple of monkeys - I think they were vervet monkeys - went through the couple's things and stole the woman's contraceptive medication and ran off into the woods. The couple was not thrilled.
6. How Do You Know He Changed?
I wasn't there but my wife's cousin was the bride. So the groom’s brother was middle aged and autistic. It was also known to a few insiders that in the past he had gotten in trouble for acting inappropriately around kids. The groom told the bride this in privacy a while ago but of course she relayed this to her entire family over time so everyone knew. So the big day came and a few beverages in the brother gets a bit too friendly with a few of the family children. Nothing horrific, just making the kids parents feel uncomfortable. I am not sure what he did but a gasket broke with one of the kid’s dads and a fight broke out. The families were completely divided with one side stating that the guy is a changed man and just being friendly and the other that the creep shouldn't be allowed near children. The wedding ended in disaster.
5. Now You See The Ring, Now You Don’t
This couple came in my store and were getting some food and drinks, I started talking and they told me this was part 2 of their honeymoon since it was closer to home and very scenic and beautiful (they rented a house instead of the usual camping in Northern California). Part one had apparently taken place for a month in Hawaii. They were staying for a couple of weeks and so eventually the guy started coming alone and bragging to the cashier about how he had been to Maui. He kept hitting on this cashier the whole time they were there, even going so far as to take his ring off when he went in the store. His wife came in with him near the end of the trip and the cashier said something along the line of "you're married?!" The wife obviously was suspicious because that sounds really weird but I guess he is good at improv because she didn't ditch his butt then and there. Anyways I didn't have the balls to tell her he's a jerk but luckily she ended up coming in a few months later with a new boyfriend who evidently wasn't a bad guy but instead a really nice guy. Obviously she had gotten a divorce and is in a good relationship now. I still see them from time to time and am glad she ditched the first guy.
4. Tragically Gone In An Instant
I live in one of the east coast's most sought after wedding destinations. A few years back a couple rented a moped which as locals know, on an island that's basically 90% sand, is a terrible idea. Despite this people rent many mopeds and there is always at least 1 fatality every summer. They were riding on one of our main cross-island stretches and decided to kiss while riding. They veered off the road and slammed into a telephone pole. The newly-wed wife, who had just received her PhD, was crushed by her husband's weight and passed away. The husband is in a persistent vegetative state for what will probably be the rest of his life. So sad. They were just beginning what could have been a beautiful life and just like that...everything was gone.
3. A Little Respect Can Go A Long Way
I was in Cancun on vacation, and staying at my resort was a newlywed couple that wore cringe-worthy husband and wife sandals. They must have been the most miserable people I have ever seen in my life.
I was on an excursion, and it appeared that they were broke because they couldn't buy food, drink or anything. If they were cool, I probably would have paid for them just to help them have a nice time. But she was a relentless annoyance, and he was just rude. They fought with workers everywhere saying it was a ripoff, that everything should be included and that they didn't know that they would have to pay for things if they wanted it. They were yelling and being completely rude to the very nice staff.
They were white people expecting the nice people in Mexico to kiss their butts while they yelled insults and angrily made demands. I wanted to slap them both. On top of that, their nasty personalities only made it worse.
Image by Free-Photos from Pixabay
2. Hoping For A Little Bundle At All Costs
I used to work at a B&B in a quaint resort town.
One day, I got a call from a newly minted bride wanting to reserve a room:
her: "Hi, I want your most romantic room."
me: "Well, we have a few. Each is done in its own style, but the 'Pink' room is by far the most romantic."
her: "It's got to be really, really romantic."
me: "It's definitely romantic, if you like pink, lace and a canopy bed."
her: "It's got to be amazingly romantic. I'll be on about $3,000 worth of fertility medication that weekend, and I want to start a family."
me: "Well. So you want the room?"
She did. When they came in I playfully punched the husband on the shoulder, for good luck.
1. Shocked To Find Out They Were Not On The Same Page
I once had the distinct displeasure of experiencing a failed wedding proposal. It was at a zoo in Australia and the man had payed to hold an owl while proposing to his girlfriend. The woman didn't even seem interested in the owl and in the end rejected the proposal rather coldly. It was incredibly awkward watching this man's expectations be crushed.
