Was driving with my 3.5 year old son a few months back and we saw a car pulled over to the side of the road. He asked why it was there and I asked him why he thought it was. He said: "Maybe a flat tire or the engine stopped working?"

I told him it was a good answer and he responded: "You must not be very smart if you couldn’t come up with it."

My 3-year-old got mad that she couldn’t have a donut for dinner so she went into one of the kitchen cupboards for a bit then popped out and, while laughing, told everyone she peed in the cupboard. She then whipped off her pee drenched underwear and flung them on the kitchen counter and ran off cackling and yelling that she peed in the cupboard.

I teach swim lessons and my one kid told me in the proudest tone possible that she has three boyfriends. She’s five.

This was the same conversation where another girl told me her best friend who had called this girl her girlfriend wanted to marry her two-year-old brother.

Like it’s nice these girls are getting around more than I am but I’m trying to teach them how to streamline kick.

I'm not a parent but I sometimes play with my nieces when I visit my family members. My oldest niece's favorite thing when she was just starting to speak was puppies. She LOVED dogs of all kinds and one surefire way to make her smile was to point one out to her. However for a long time she only knew "puppy" and not dog.

Come one day, I'm reading one of her animal books to her and we get to the dog, I say "hey look, it's a puppy!" She just turns to me with a stern look and says, "NO! Dog." I really felt put in my place like she was insulted that I was patronizing her.

I was telling my 6-year-old about my lottery ticket and he asked, "If we win, can I have one million? I am going to give it to my principal... so he closes the school forever!"

Evil mastermind.

My 4-year-old son: "I farted... say thank you."

Me: "Don't you mean excuse me? That's what we say when we fart, right?"

4-year-old: "SAY THANK YOU!"

I thanked him.

When I was young, my little sister nearly failed kindergarten: she didn't know the alphabet. In fact she didn't bother trying to learn it. When asked why she said: "I don't need to learn my letters because I'm pretty."

Kid in my class bragged about how he stole an air freshener from the school bathroom. He was holding an unwrapped, wet urinal cake in his hand.

I was over at my little cousin's house when he was about 10 years old. He was really excited to show me something, but I didn't know what it was. He ran down to the basement where he and his sister had their playroom, along with their dad's old computer. He starts up the computer and opens up Age of Empires 2 and proceeds to show me this incredible empire that he has built.

I don't know what I expected his surprise to be, but it definitely wasn't that. It was definitely a weird flex that came out of no where, but at the same time the sincere excitement that lit up his eyes as he explained everything to me was probably the happiest I have ever seen him.

My wedding day. The ring bearer (5-year-old) is meeting one of my groomsmen (19-year-old) for the first time ever. Ring bearer walks up, is introduced and he responds by going, "I know where your nuts are. And, I'm the perfect height to just punch them!" Then he just stood there.

My son started 2nd grade this week. A couple of weeks ago the school sent out postcards with the date and time of the "open house" and his teacher's name. I asked him if he was excited to be in Mrs. So-and-so's class, and he said yes, but he's also worried. I asked what he was worried about and he said "what if she falls in love with me and wants to marry me?" I laughed and reassured him that he need not worry, since she's already married.

When my son was about 5 we went to visit relatives in the Washington, DC area. We were on the Metro when my son eyed a very pretty professional young woman. "I've got a lot of blocks," he told her. "If you come to my room I'll show you." Then he made motorcycle noises for about 10 seconds.

When I was an after school tutor for primary school kids, I excused a boy to the bathroom. He came back telling me he made the 'biggest poo' in the world. He intentionally didn't flush so that I could come look at it. I told him that was great, but it was art time. He said his big poo was art.

A friend of mine had two young boys. The older one, maybe 5, was sitting with him and pointed at a white hair and said, “What’s this papa?” My friend said, “Oh it just means I’m getting old.” And his son looked at him dead serious, looked at his brother and said, “Well. I guess it’s just us and mom soon, huh?”

My son, 4 at the time, was (I guess) trying to impress the 6-year-old neighbor girl. He leaned casually on his arm and said, "I have lots of accidents. Pee and poop accidents."

I hope for his sake his pick up lines improve.

My 4-year-old son kept peeing on the toilet seat because he wouldn't hold his junk. I told him he had to start holding it and his response was: "I can't hold it because it's too big."

My 6 year old son recently put his foot down letting me know it was not OK for me to tell him what he could wear or not because he is allowed to have "his own fashion". Ok, fine. Shorts, sandals and one black sock it is.

"Kati, you have to eat three more green beans before you're excused."

"No! No more."

"Three more."

"I'm gonna eat four more!"

Oh no, you got me good.

My son was in the tub and asked exactly how old he was.

Me: “Ummmmm... about 4 years, 10 months, and 4 days.”

After a few moments of deep thought, I heard him say quietly and reverently to himself:

“...and I haven’t been bit by a single wild animal.”

Oh man. Still kills me.

Not my kid - but a friend of mine was trying to teach his daughter to pick up her toys when she was younger. When she didn't do it one time, he told her he was going to throw away everything that was still on the floor. She picked them up and put them in the trash can for him.

My toddler just threw her dinner on the floor, started clapping, yelled "HOOOOOOORRRRRRRAAAAAYYYYY!" as loudly as her little lungs could possibly allow, then looked right at me holding up her palm for a high five.

When my son was potty training, I started letting him do the clean-up, then I'd have to finish.

After a bit of this, he figured he was pretty well good to go on his own, and he was very "big boy" about it. So for the next couple of weeks, he'd do his thing (which always included stripping naked) then come running out to wherever I was, bend over with his cheeks spread, and shout, "Hey, Mom! I wiped my butt all by myself!! Lookit!!"

My 4 year old Henry was carrying a tub of legos down the stairs. It was slightly heavy but he insisted on carrying it himself.

He was struggling so I was walking slowly with him in case he fell.

He says, through little 4 year old grunts, "this box is ... heavy! I ... hafta ... use ... HENRY POWERS!"

I was throwing my nieces in the pool and the 4 year old grabbed a pool noodle and looked right at me to say, “Today, you’re gonna get hurt.”

Not a parent, but I teach swimming lessons. This one 5 year old first day of lessons was like, "I'm not very good at kicking."

So I said, "That's okay. Nobody is perfect at everything."

Dead serious he just goes, "No, I'm perfect at everything."

Had an Amber Alert hit my phone one night while my then 6-year-old was playing a game on it. She asks what that was and I explained it’s a message that gets sent out of a kid gets kidnapped. She looks at it again and sees it’s for a town over two hours from where we live. She then asks me why they sent to if it’s so far away. I said because they want everyone to look and find the kid, wouldn’t you want everyone to look if you got kidnapped? They want to find the kid so they don’t get killed. She leans over close to my ear and whispers, “I’m very difficult to kill.”

My son is a free runner in his spare time, so I often find him in weird places. He's 16 now, but even as a baby, I'd find him on top of the piano, at the top of the closet, etc. He could climb anywhere. Recently, I found him standing in the branches of a tree down the street, staring off into space. I asked what he was doing, and he said, "I'm just hanging out." OK, man... Whatever works for you.

My 5-year-old talks to all of the animals. They're all her friends. She literally names every creature she sees in a day.

See a moth? "Oh, that's Stella, my moth friend."

A bird? "That's Jake. My bird friend, he's on his way to his grandma's!"

A rattlesnake? "Don't kill it, mom! That's Jenna. She's a nice protector snake!" (No, she won't go near it. She's smarter than that, just really weird.)

She's also insists that she's a "super kid." With batteries for everything.

Doesn't wanna eat anymore? "My food battery is full."

Doesn't wanna go to bed? "My sleep battery is full."

And she shows you where these batteries are. One on her leg, another on her neck...

I'm starting to wonder if I was abducted.

When my son was small he kept a notebook full of tips, tips like:

Never wear a cowboy suit in Ireland.

Never stay at a hotel in the woods.

When your parents ask you to do chores, pretend to be asleep and they'll forget.

Always be good friends with a cousin.

Always try realy (sic) hard.

If you invent something don't test it out with a live person.

Don't pronounce mom like mom say mum it'll be cooler.

Be scared of the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

Make your day better with seafood!!!

Never say you are doing nothing to a parent.

Never invite someone sick to your party.

Don't use a pincil (sic) on thick and fancy paper.

Never fight in a war.

Always get the biggest bed.

If you have a bad taste in your mouth at the beach you may need mouthwash.

Never eat nuts you find in your yard.

My 5-year-old son woke up with his voice hoarse from a cold.

Me: "Oh, you’ve got a cold."

Him, solemnly: "No, I think i’m a man now."

I was playing cops and robbers with my son and my niece (both about three at the time). They put me in the jail (the sofa) and proceeded to walk out of the room. As she’s exiting, my niece turns to me with a deadpan face and goes: "Watch your back."

Then just leaves.

My daughter (age 2) regularly comes up to me and puts the back of her head in my face. "See my hair?"

"Yes, honey, I do."

"It's beautiful."

Runs off.

My daughter had a paper from school that she brought home. On the paper it said “If I had a million dollars I would...” and all the kids had to put their answer. My daughter wrote that she would pop out her eye balls. When I asked her about it later she explained how she wanted to pop out her eye balls and replace them with chocolate eyeballs.

Tonight my 3-year-old stopped midway up the stairs and turned slowly to me and said, “Mom. Earlier. While you were out. I. Put. On. My. Pants. All. By. My. Self." I have no idea why he emphasized every word, but then he smirked and turned and kept climbing the stairs. Big day. The kid is really going places.

I'm 11 years older than my little brother and when he was 4 he went around the entire neighborhood and wrote his name on everyone's garage doors in really big letters with a permanent marker.

My son, who was 4 or 5 at the time, walked into the kitchen and said to my wife, "Give me my usual, but put it in a real glass." She's like, "What, your milk?" It was then we realized we had to reign in the iPad and Curse of Monkey Island.

My 8-year-old son's doctor was trying to make him comfortable during an EKG by telling him he had to leave his ear with the doctor. They went back and forth for a while and finally the doctor said he would trade him the ear for a lollipop. My son said he would not give up his ear but wanted the lollipop. The doctor said, "What! That is not a fair trade. What will you give me for the lollipop?" My son answered dead serious, "I get the lollipop and you get my respect."

My 3-year-old outside the other day...he was stabbing the ground with a stick. I asked,"Whatcha up to, buddy?"

"I'm digging holes for the ants to climb into. That's so sweet of me, mom."

He's a nut.

“There are lots of members of our family tree, and I’m probably the prettiest one, don’t you think?” - my daughter (to me), age 7

She is an identical twin, so kind of a weird flex.

So, my 7-year-old has always been... eccentric. I started keeping a log of some things she says in passing on my phone when she was 3 and there are some good ones I feel apply to this thread:

“Something smells like chocolate and it’s coming from the inside of my mouth.”

“Yeah well I can read blank spaces.”

"Chickens have chicken in their bodies."

Most of these are responses to her older sister bragging about something she did to excel in school.

When my daughter was I think 8, we were in the pool throwing a beach ball around. I tossed it to her. She catches it then says to me, "Is that all you've got, old man?"

My son was watching me cut down a very small tree (like, 6 inches across - very small), and the following occurred:

Son: "Wow, I've never seen someone cut down a tree that big before!"

Me: "Well, I mean, you've only seen one person cut down a tree so far, but you've only been alive for 5 years, so give it time."

Son: "Excuse me? I've been alive much longer than that."

Me: "Oh yeah? How long have you been alive then?"

Son: "10,000 years."

Me: "... You know, I actually don't doubt that."

He's a treasure.

My wife brought my 3-year-old son to my job site, since he really wanted to “drive” the excavator. So my uncle, who operates the excavator, let’s him dig some holes and play around while sitting on my uncles lap. He then comes up to me and says, "Daddy I want to drive the excavator with you.” I told him I don’t know how too, you have to go with your uncle. His reply: "It’s okay daddy I’ll teach you,” with the biggest smirk on his face.

Just a couple days ago, my 2-year-old son woke up so I went to change him. I pulled his jammie pants off, then went to undo the diaper, and the whole time he has this look on his face like he’s waiting for something. I pull the diaper off the front of him and boing he’s erect! He even smiled big and threw his arms up at the moment of reveal, like “TA DAAAAA.” When I wasn’t appropriately amazed and merely continued with changing him, he pointed at it and said, loudly and forcefully, “THATS MINE.”

Yes, my dear, that is YOUR junk. Congratulations.

My kid's an arrogant little wise guy, so he has a few. But one that sticks out was when he was 7 years old and trying to explain the concept of the largest-known number to a fellow martial arts student. My kid said something about "Googolplex," then turned to classmate's dad and said, "That's Googol to the Googol power, which means Googol times Googol, since you probably didn't know."

It was so hard not to laugh as I explained why that was not an acceptable thing to say.

Not a kid but when I was 5, I had a mad crush on the 20-year-old daughter of this wealthy family friend of ours. I had asked for her hand in marriage and she agreed willingly. Playful to her but fully serious on my part, she was carrying her soon to be groom when her mother confronted me.

"You need to have money if you want to marry my daughter."

I looked right into her eyes and without missing a beat reached into my little pockets and tossed her a penny. Her face priceless, my smirk flawless.

My game never peaked again.

When my son was about 6, he was in the back seat with a friend, and he boasted that he had once thrown up his entire Chinese dinner on his bedroom carpet and you could see the food and everything.

When my kid was potty training, he was in a phase where he loved temporary tattoos. We used tattoos as a reward for a successful potty trip. He got so he was covered on both arms, back and chest. We didn't think much of it, living in Seattle, until one summer day we took him to the wading pool. For one of the first times in public, we took his shirt off, and he strode out into the pool with his toddler abs, and Thomas the tank train shorts, looking like he had just finished a hard set of reps at the free weights in the prison yard.

When I was in kindergarten, one of the boys came up to me and said, “I’m so strong I brush my teeth without water.”

It’s always stuck with me because I was genuinely impressed. I ran around all day sharing the news as if it were some miraculous superpower or something.

My kid (5) is obsessed with cars. Lives and breaths Motorsport. He’s driving his go kart in the driveway and our neighbors yell over, “Wow, you’re amazing, kiddo!” And kid yells back dead serious, “I know - I’m a better driver than most of the grownups I know.”

He’s honestly not wrong.