20 Things That Would Make Living in Middle-earth Completely Miserable
Middle-earth Is Beautiful Until You Actually Have to Live There
Middle-earth looks incredible from a distance, especially when you're imagining green hills, cozy hobbit holes, ancient forests, and dramatic mountain views. Actually living there, however, would be a much different experience once you remembered that reliable transportation barely exists, monsters wander the countryside, and an alarming number of problems involve deadly weapons. Even the peaceful parts come with plenty of inconveniences that fantasy stories don't spend much time discussing. Here are 20 things that could quickly make you reconsider packing your bags for Middle-earth.
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1. Traveling Anywhere Takes Forever
There aren't exactly highways connecting the major settlements of Middle-earth, so most long-distance travel involves walking, riding a horse, or taking a boat. A trip between two important places could easily take days or weeks. Visiting distant relatives would be nothing short of a quest.
2. Orcs Are an Actual Everyday Threat
Getting mugged is one thing, but Middle-earth gives travelers the possibility of encountering armed groups of Orcs. They're found across several regions and become especially dangerous whenever powerful enemies begin organizing them. Taking the wrong mountain pass could suddenly become a life-or-death situation.
3. Medical Care Would Be Extremely Limited
Unless you're lucky enough to know an exceptionally skilled healer, getting seriously injured would be frightening. Middle-earth has powerful herbs and some remarkable forms of medicine, but there certainly isn't a hospital around every corner. A broken bone or infected wound could become a much bigger problem than it would here on regular Earth.
4. Winter Would Be Rough
Central heating isn't doing anyone any favors in Middle-earth because it doesn't exist. Most homes rely on fireplaces, blankets, and whatever insulation their builders managed to provide. Waking up on a freezing January morning would make even the coziest stone cottage considerably less charming.
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5. Communication Is Painfully Slow
If you want to tell someone in another kingdom something important, you'd better find a messenger and hope nothing happens to them along the way. Letters can take days or weeks to reach their destination, assuming they arrive at all. There'd be no quick text asking whether your friend made it safely through the Misty Mountains.
6. The Wildlife Can Be Terrifying
Middle-earth has ordinary animals, but it also has creatures you definitely wouldn't want appearing near your campsite. Giant spiders, Wargs, and other unpleasant beasts occupy places that travelers occasionally need to cross. Suddenly, worrying about mosquitoes doesn't sound so bad.
7. Most Roads Aren't Particularly Safe
Outside relatively peaceful places such as the Shire, traveling alone would be a questionable choice. Roads can pass through wilderness, ruins, forests, and areas where very few people are around to help you. Even a routine journey could turn dangerous once night falls.
8. Plumbing Would Be Pretty Basic
The books don't spend much time describing bathroom arrangements, which may be for the best. Most people would have access to nothing resembling modern indoor plumbing, especially in smaller settlements. Anyone used to hot showers and flushing toilets would have a difficult adjustment period.
9. The Political Situation Is Constantly Unstable
Middle-earth goes through periods when entire kingdoms face invasion, civil conflict, or destruction. Even if your own village seems peaceful, events occurring hundreds of miles away can eventually reach you. Ordinary residents don't exactly get much warning when another Dark Lord starts causing problems.
10. You'd Have Very Few Career Options
Your employment choices would depend heavily on where you were born and what skills your family could teach you. Farming, crafting, trading, soldiering, and household work cover a large part of the available job market. Anyone hoping to change careers at 35 might discover that Middle-earth isn't big on professional retraining.
11. Food Choices Would Get Repetitive
Hobbits clearly know how to eat well, but not everyone lives in the Shire. Depending on your region and social position, meals could consist largely of bread, meat, vegetables, cheese, and whatever was locally available. You wouldn't have the option of ordering sushi because you don't feel like stew.
12. Dangerous Ruins Are Everywhere
Middle-earth has been inhabited for thousands of years, which means the landscape is full of abandoned fortresses, tombs, mines, and settlements. Unfortunately, many of them contain more than old furniture and interesting architecture. Stumbling upon a mysterious ruin could result in discovering something that really should've remained undisturbed.
13. Wars Keep Reaching Ordinary People
When armies clash in Middle-earth, civilians don't have many ways to avoid the consequences. Crops can be destroyed, towns attacked, and entire populations displaced by conflicts they had little control over. Living far from a battlefield doesn't necessarily guarantee that you'll remain unaffected.
14. The Forests Aren't Always Friendly
Walking through the woods sounds relaxing until you remember that some Middle-earth forests have their own opinions. Fangorn contains Ents and Huorns, while Mirkwood has its own collection of dangers. You wouldn't automatically assume that a shortcut through the trees was the sensible option.
15. Nights Would Be Incredibly Dark
Once the sun goes down, you're working with candles, fireplaces, lanterns, and moonlight. Streets outside major settlements wouldn't have electric lighting, making nighttime travel difficult and potentially dangerous. Losing your lantern several miles from home would quickly become a serious problem.
16. Monsters Aren't Just Stories
Trolls, dragons, giant spiders, Balrogs, and other terrifying creatures aren't myths told around the fire in Middle-earth. Some are rare, but rare is not as comforting as non-existent, especially when one happens to live beneath the mountain you're crossing. There are places where being overly cautious is completely reasonable.
17. Getting Lost Could Be Disastrous
Maps exist, but navigation isn't nearly as easy as opening an app and checking your location. Travelers rely on landmarks, roads, stars, local knowledge, and occasionally directions from strangers. One wrong turn in a wilderness covering hundreds of miles could become a major ordeal.
18. Your Village Could Be Extremely Isolated
Many communities appear to have relatively little regular contact with distant parts of Middle-earth. That sounds peaceful until you urgently need something your local blacksmith, farmer, or healer can't provide. Isolation becomes much less appealing when the nearest major settlement requires several days of travel.
19. You're Living Around Extremely Powerful Objects
Middle-earth contains magical rings, ancient swords, mysterious stones, cursed treasures, and other artifacts capable of causing serious trouble. The problem is that ordinary people may not immediately know what they've found. As we've seem, picking up an interesting piece of jewelry could accidentally involve you in events affecting the entire world.
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20. There's Always Another Ancient Evil
Middle-earth has an unfortunate habit of producing threats that everyone thought had disappeared centuries earlier. Dragons wake up, forgotten creatures return, and defeated enemies sometimes turn out to be considerably less defeated than expected. You could spend decades enjoying a quiet life only to discover that something terrible has started stirring in a mountain again.
