I knew a couple in my hometown. They were both out drinking and he decided to drive them home. Both out of it. He gets pulled over and they impound the car and take him to jail for a DUI and the officers decide to drive the girl home.

She gets home..... gets in her car.... and drives to the police station to pick her boyfriend up. The officers notice it's the same girl they just drove home and they arrested her for drinking and driving too.

My grandpa's cleaning lady was making fun of me for believing that the ozone layer exists. She laughed out loud at me and said, "Then how do the rockets take off from Earth without crashing into it?" And then she continued to laugh and make fun of me for it for a good 10 minutes straight. I was so baffled that I just let her go on.

Teacher during math class discusses scientific notation with distance from the Sun to the Earth as an example and draws a diagram.

Girl in class shouts out, "Wait isn't the sun a planet?"

The teacher explains to her the concept of what stars are and this girl says, "So all those other dots in the sky at night aren't planets?"

I know the planet's are visible at night sometimes, but she meant ALL the stars in the night sky were planets.

My family and I were watching a program on TLC about cavemen. There were actors dressed up like cavemen, doing cavemen things, as the narrator explained the scientific theory around what they thought their lives were like.

My sister was just in awe watching this. Mouth slightly open, eyes open wide. During a commercial break she asked the room, "How did they get the cameras back there?"

We will never let her forget that she said that. The moment she said it, she knew she said something stupid. Tried to backpedal but the damage was already done.

I had a customer yell at me that their donuts were supposed to be buy-one-get-one-free instead of half price. I had to explain how 1/2 + 1/2 was 1. Never understood it and just sneered ‘whatever’ at me and had me cancel their order.

When I worked at a chemical facility, we had a genius production supervisor who figured out that you could increase the RPMs of the mixer without overheating the batch if you just remove the mixing blade, so it's just a shaft rotating inside a drum of viscous liquid. Then he blamed the guy running the QA testing (me) when the batch failed badly.

This middle-aged woman I work with at a fast food place was drinking a glass of superrrrr sweet tea when these words came out of her mouth:

"My doctor said that I may have diabetes. I don't understand how, I never eat sugar."

Me, while watching a semi-friend do 10 separate ATM transactions: "Why are you taking out $200.00 from the ATM in $20.00 increments? You are just adding up the $2.50 withdrawal fee."

Semi-Friend: "It all adds up in the long run."

Me: "No kidding, it adds up to you wasting money."

Semi-Friend: "No, trust me, it adds up."

It was explained to him over and over for months that he has to pay for all those transactions, he still just argues that the money adds up in the end.

Phone Customer: Can I pay with cash over the phone?

Me: ...

This was more than 10 years ago, before cryptocurrency existed. I was working at a call center, making reservations for a dinner and show type place. If they reserved online or over the phone, they had to prepay.

I asked this customer if I heard them correctly and she varied that yes, she would like to pay with cash over the phone. There was nothing but seriousness in her tone. I informed her she could pay with cash at the box office, however, over the phone I could only accept a credit card. I did not laugh at her or make her feel stupid but inside I was dying.

Girl at uni didn't know chips were made from potatoes. When asked if the huge potatoes on the bags didn't give it away she said she thought it's only for design and she never reads the ingredients list, she doesn't have time for that.

During a color war trivia game at summer camp, we were asked to name places the Olympics has been held. Someone mentioned Athens and the girl next to me started to lose her mind laughing. I asked her why and she responded "Isn't Athens that place from Harry Potter?"

My friend thought due to time zone differences between the US and the UK you could place a bet in the UK on an NFL game that had happened in the US and cheat the system because it hadn’t happened yet in the UK.

A surprising amount of people in my life have thought that ham came from its own animal and had nothing to do with pigs. At least 2 of those people had this conversation while eating a ham sandwich after claiming not to eat pork.

To everyone telling me that they make ham out of turkey, too: These people thought there was some mystical animal out there that solely produced ham.

"Do girls in your country get their periods?" Yes, but the blood comes out clockwise since we're in the Northern Hemisphere.

I was on a school trip to Germany and we visited the casino in Baden Baden. One kid asked “do the Native Americans run the casinos here too?”

I almost fell over.

I’ve had a lot of people ask why a school trip went to a casino.

We just visited it during the day as a part of our day in Baden Baden because of its historical significance. Since it was during the day there were no games being played and it was a guided tour. None of the kids gambled.

When I was in high school (before smartphones) we got on the topic of fish and I said something about tuna.

Then a girl said “tuna isn’t a real fish.”

And everyone was like “wtf are you talking about yes it is.”

Then she said “then why is there a marlin on the front of tuna cans.”

And we were all like “THATS A TUNA.”

The she said “tuna is the stomachs of a bunch of fish combined.”

Then we called the meat department of the grocery store and had the butcher (who was extremely confused) explain that tuna was in fact a fish.

All in all she still didn’t believe us.

Someone in high school thought she couldn't get pregnant because she never did "butt stuff", only PIV hook ups.

When questioned about it, it made perfect sense to her, because the birth canal obviously isn't where the babies come from.

Yes, she really thought women pooped out babies.

I don't even know how to begin, here we go:

I was a camp counselor for many years and periodically during the winter we would meet up for drinks/dinner to catch up. So I'm out to dinner with two girls I used to be on staff with and it's raining pretty hard outside (relevant info). And one of the girls who is staring outside, looks back at us, and says "isn't it amazing that it's raining around the world right now? I mean like, it's raining in Rome right now." Or something along those lines.

It's important to note, that we were nowhere freaking near Rome. And no way she somehow checked the weather in Rome before she came to meet us. My other friend probed her for more info in order to try to grasp what was happening and it became apparent.

She literally thought that when it rained in one place, it rained around the globe simultaneously. It's mind-boggling. Local weather stations? Nope never heard of it. Different climates? Pfft, no.

I lost contact with the weather-goddess a few years ago but I still see my other friend a couple times a year. No matter what the weather is, we reference this quote.

Side-note: We all have a lot of questions. Do I have the answers? No. But I do know that this girl ended up dating a member of a very popular band. VERY POPULAR. So I can't disclose her info because I think it would ruin her. This blew up way too hard. Well done team.

I just glanced out my window and there is a light snow coming down. Bundle up everybody.

Biological mom of our former foster son, talking to his court-appointed lawyer (guardian ad litem): "He doesn't need to go to the doctor. All babies get ear infections."

She had 0 idea that he could suffer from hearing loss if she ignored them enough times, not to mention how miserable he felt.

While in a really long car trip with my parents, we were discussing countries we'd like to visit. My mother said she'd like to visit Japan to see the Great Wall of China.

My dad and I don't let her forget.

A few years ago I was traveling in Kenya and a few of us shelled out for a safari. Our guide was great and at one point said all the names for the animals in Swahili -- simba is lion, for example.

An American then asked, “Did you always call them that, or did you decide to change it after The Lion King came out?” I really wanted to apologize to the tour guide in that moment who had to respond with respect to that guy.

Yes, I’m sure he wasn’t joking.

The following exchange is offered verbatim (or as near to it as I can remember):

HER: That suit would look great on you.
ME: (Checking the price) Too bad I don't have nine hundred dollars.
HER: Just use your credit card.
ME: I still wouldn't have nine hundred dollars.
HER: What are you talking about?
ME: I try to pay off my balance in full when I use my credit card. That's more than I can afford right now.
HER: (Irritated) That makes zero sense. Nobody pays for credit cards! They give them to you!
ME: Not the card; the balance. The bill.
HER: What "bill?"
ME: ... The credit card bill? The one you have to pay every month?
HER: No, you don't.
ME: Okay, well, I guess you can make minimum payments, but...
HER: (Interrupting) What are you talking about?! You are making zero sense. If you don't like the suit, just say so!
ME: I do like the suit, I just can't afford it. Using my credit card wouldn't magically make it so I wouldn't have to pay.
HER: You don't pay for credit cards. God, what is wrong with you?
ME: Wait. Do you mean that you've never paid your credit card bill?
HER: There's no such thing! Credit cards are so you don't have to pay.

It eventually came to light that the young woman had been given her credit card by her parents, who paid the balance for her whenever they received a bill. This revelation only occurred after I'd been accused of trying to make her feel guilty for buying sweatshop clothing, though I never did figure out where that connection occurred.

I work at an animal shelter and a woman asked me if we had any dogs that didn't poop. I told her no, all dogs poop. So she asked about cats.

In my communications class in high school, it came to my teacher's attention that a few people in the class (which had about 15 students) didn’t have a basic grasp of world geography, so he pulled up an interactive world map on his computer and connected it to the projector.

“Okay, so this is where we are. This is?” Class responds with “North America” “Okay, and down here?” (Cursor is hovering over South America.) Two girls expressed confusion over what it was, so he told them it was South America. Next, he moved the cursor over Africa. And both of these girls, in unison, with full confidence blurted out “East America!”

Later in the “lesson” one of the girls said that she thought North Korea was in the center of the US, and that’s why we have so many problems with them.

My main concern was that I was in the same school district as them for all 12 years, and I wondered how the same system that worked for me had completely failed to work for them.

World History class in high school. This girl really asked how we won the American Revolution when the Germans had airplanes. I had to remember to breathe.

Guy at my high school asked a biology teacher if humans photosynthesize. When told that we don't he responded, "But how come when I go in the sun my skin turns brown?" He was 18.

Blowing balloons up with my own air (no gas etc.) with my wife prior to a party.

Wife: “No, no, no. Don’t blow the balloons that fall to the floor, blow up the floating balloons.”

Me: (with a look of total disbelief) “What? You need to use helium for that. We don't have helium.”

Wife: “No, you’re just not bothering, that’s what it is!”

When I was in high school history class, this dumb as a brick girl asked our teacher (who was from the South, but we weren't even remotely close to the South, still no excuse) If she'd ever owned a slave.

Related: In another class, the dumb-as-a-brick girl told our (black) teacher that, "If I had a slave, I wouldn't want him to be black, because I wouldn't want people to think I was racist."

A woman once asked me if Antarctica was really hot, because Mexico is south of us and it's really hot, and other countries are south of us and they're really hot too. This woman was 40 years old.

Watching "Dynasties" (British Attenborough documentary featuring chimps). Attenborough introduces the alpha male chimp on screen as David. Friend asks how they know he's called David.

My wife was telling her sorority sisters about how she was allergic to wheat. One of the girls responded with "why don't you just eat white bread instead then?"

Umm... what do you think it's made of? White??

"There's always a 50% chance of rain. Think about it, it will either rain or it wont so thats gotta always be 50%." Oh boy. I really wish he could have said that to a meteorologist.

This is why I always play the lottery. Either I win or I don’t, that’s 50%. I haven’t won yet though, which is somewhat surprising given the odds...

I remember sitting in a World Civ class in high school and a girl in my class asked how people outside of the US lived, since they were in a desert. The teacher tried to have her clarify, which desert(s) to which the girl responded with, the one outside the US.

She was convinced that every single nation outside of the US was comprised solely of deserts and that any major cities she had heard of (i.e. London, Paris, etc.) were actually US cities...

Teacher in middle school was playing a cassette tape for the class that was a bit distorted, so she attempted to improve the audio by ...adjusting the antenna.

A girl on my bus in high school always had to be the center of attention. We were on our way to a field trip somewhere... I don't really remember where, but she all of a sudden proudly screamed out, "My boyfriend gave me ear sex last night!" When someone finally asked her what she thought ear sex was her answer was, "We stuck q-tips in our ears and moaned for a couple hours."

Maybe not the actual dumbest thing I've ever heard, but definitely the one that sticks out for me.

While discussing taking a girls trip and going on a cruise my friend once said, "I think it would be pretty easy, we could just get a cruise out of Dallas." Everyone paused. Her husband then broke the silence with "that is our marriage summed up into one sentence."

Worked with someone who would say "It's Friday somewhere!" unironically on Tuesdays.

To be clear, we had Monday to Friday shifts only at the time (which the co-worker was working), so this wasn't a situation where they were talking about a shortened week or having Tuesday as their own personal Friday.

A previous coworker of mine thought that when looking at images of hurricanes, what she was seeing was the ocean swirling and not clouds.

She had a bachelors degree.

Unfortunately, it came from my mouth as a teenager ...

Me: *Looking at construction site* I wonder what's going in there?

Mom: It's going to be a Meijer - like a Wal-Mart. It will take 150 people to open the doors.

Me: *Amazed*

Me: *Still amazed*

Me: *Amazed and now confused*

Me: ... H-how big are the doors?

I was driving with my mother on a pitch black night. My mother said the stars weren't out because there was no moon for them to reflect off of.

Love you mom!

Girl I used to date was convinced that used cars came with insurance.

We went out to look at cars for her one weekend and on the way to the first lot, it came up in conversation. She absolutely did not believe me to the point that it was almost an argument. Salesman told her the same thing, so she demanded we go to another dealership.

We visited 4 dealerships that day and all of them told her the same thing.

Relationship didn't last much longer, but earlier this year she was pulled over and arrested for a litany of offenses including a DUI, but surprise! She had no auto insurance.

I was explaining to my mother in law that the reason why my hubby and I were having fertility issues was that I don't ovulate properly aka don't release an egg. She thought about it for a moment and asked with all seriousness why we couldn't just use one of my husband's eggs. I just looked at my husband trying not to laugh and stated that only women have eggs and men have sperm.

That is pretty basic biology.

Okay, so there was this mother that I once met, I'll call her Karen. So Karen is your typical multi-level marketing (AKA pyramid scheme) mom, she's in like 3 of them, including an Essential Oil one.

One day, her son gets sick. Instead of getting cold medicine or whatever, she feeds him Essential Oils. Of course, he gets sicker, so the school he goes to treats him right and makes sure he gets the medicine he needs to get better. After hearing about this, his mom said, and I quote, "Don't give him that! The big pharma chemicals will make him immune to the Essential Oils!"

At 17 years old I assumed this girl couldn't be that dumb, but honestly the stuff she said made me think she should be watered once a day. Some of the best included:

"Solar panels wont work in space cause theres no sun light out there."

"Copper smells like a wet muffin."

"If you stood under a really strong waterfall would you erode or would the water just move out of the way."

I play basketball and this one day we got talking about shooting percentages. So this one kid would try to convince us all that when you would shoot 0 shots and obviously make 0, you shot 100% because you didn't miss. He started this like 2 years ago and still when people bring it up he says he's right.

In Wales, we get the option to use an ATM machine in either Welsh or English. Myself, a Welsh friend and an English friend were at an ATM.

My English friend asked my Welsh friend why he always used the ATM in Welsh. His response was "Less people can understand Welsh, so less people can read my pin number".

I once heard a girl say that she doesn't believe in miscarriages.

A few more good ones from this same girl. When she tries to ask if something is gluten free she instead asks "is that gluten?" Which, you know, means the exact opposite.

She also said she is going to become a Navy SEAL. She is not in the Navy, and I honestly wonder if she has any idea what a SEAL is. She may think they're literal seals, though that would make even less sense.

One time, we were out of state and she said, "Oh wow, wild cows." They were not wild cows. They were behind a fence with tags in their ears.

During my senior seminar for an anthropology degree, a fellow student asked if married people started to look like each other as they grew old together because the genetic material they were exchanging during their marital relations was becoming part of the other person's genome.

I love one of my really good friends so much, she is so kind, but she's very... sheltered, I guess you would say. She doesn't know I'm gay. I'm single and I can't pinpoint how she would feel about me if I told her.

The other day she made a joke about a gay bar and I said, "Yes, girl let's go!" And she said, "No, I'm really scared if I go I will turn into a lesbian, isn't that what happens?"

Essentially her theory was that gay people have just simply been around gay people and they turn gay by osmosis. And I'm like... oh honey, you've known me for 4 years now nearly.

I did feel bad, but "that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard" did slip out of my mouth.

A phone conversion with my now ex:

Her: "I found a piece of candy on the floor." (In a wildly disgusting house mind you.)

Me: "Don't eat it."

Her: "But it's still in the packaging."

Me: "Do not eat it."

Her: "I'm gonna eat it."

Crunch.

Her: various sounds of disgust

Me: "I told you!"

Her: "I don't think that was candy."

Me: "Send me a pic of it."

Cue a picture of definitely NOT candy, but a ceramic wall decoration with bible quotes on it labeled "Christmas decorations" with the top left chunk in pieces, still laying on the floor.

This woman was almost 18 YEARS OLD.

Happened just this last Sunday actually as me and my wife were having Thanksgiving early with her family.

My wife’s cousin's husband said that vaccines were bad, Sandy Hook didn’t really happen, and that we didn’t really land on the moon. He said this all in the same conversation. I thought he was just joking but he assured me he wasn’t. I’m usually a pretty passive person but I freaking lost it, the rest of the family had to separate us for a bit.

The most aggravating thing was it didn’t matter what I said he was just like “you need to do more research.” Like... dude, you just told me you learned this from watching a few YouTube videos. Oh my god I need a drink just thinking about it again.

"What time does the 9:30 am class start at?"

"I'm sorry?"

"The 9:30 am class, does that start at like 9:45? or?"

​Our school does not have academic quarter and this was not a foreign exchange student. This was maybe a month into a semester. He should have known what time his class started at this point.

My sister's friend, who is 22, believes that why you fly in an airplane, once you are in the air you just levitate there and the earth rotates under you. When the plane is over the destination the plane lowers again and that’s what happens.

She wants to be a teacher.

Trained up a new girl at work, over the period of a few weeks. Emphasized that one of the most important things in the role is attention to detail. Wording things correctly, showing pride in your work etc.

Day 1 without me, she begins sending emails to customers that look like they were written by a 6-year-old. Using the letter 'U' instead of 'you', 'thx' instead of 'thanks' and xoxo at the end of her signature.

I laughed so, so hard. She was fired two days later.

A girl in one of my college classes didn't understand how dogs in Spain understood their owners. She thought dogs only understood English and were just incapable of understanding their owners in any other country.

Another friend, now 27 and in the working world, recently called to ask me what interest is because "they keep charging this interest thing on my loans, like what even is that?"

This guy I know had been trying a ‘Mediterranean diet’ on the advice of his doctor in order to lose weight and get healthy. Instead, he managed to put on 35 points in the 4 weeks since he was advised to do so.

The classic ‘fish and vegetables’ approach he had fervently adhered to had comprised of eating nothing but deep fried fish and chips from the local chippy.

Every day.

For four weeks.

My mother once years ago said "Cats are cold-blooded because they like to lay in the sun." We immediately said... "What? No. Didn't you go to school?"

4 or 5 months ago she doubled down on this stating the exact thing for the exact reason. I asked her, "Are you cold-blooded because you like to sun bathe?"

She still thinks cats are cold-blooded.

A work email.

Me to my Program Manager (I'm the project manager), regarding time off over the upcoming holiday season: "I'm going to take vacation from ___ to ___. I have recorded this in the team calendar (link). There will be no impact to our delivery timeline, because [mitigating reasons listed]."

Program Manager: "Please record your vacation in the team calendar. Also will there be any impact on delivery timeline?"

My reply was "Done and no", because apparently her attention span was 5 words tops.

Someone in my freshman year college class: "Professor, do you think dinosaurs existed?"

Professor: "There seems to be a lot of evidence in favor of that conclusion. What do you think?"

Someone: "I don't think they did. I mean, how do we know they were called dinosaurs? They could have been called anything."

At an airport on a school trip to fly out to Berlin, teacher said throw away all liquids before going through security... and one of the other students said. “Miss, is water a liquid...?” Single handedly one of the most stupid things I’ve heard someone say.

To be clear as well, this happened in the UK, and it wasn’t asked because she was being ‘clever’. She was an extremely stupid person asking about whether the water in her bottle she was drinking from was a liquid.

I knew who a girl who said the following...

In a room filled with smoke, she flipped out when my friend pulled out chewing tobacco, saying she was allergic. When we told her the room we've all been smoking around her for the past 2 hours, she said, "I'm not allergic to smoke, just tobacco."

When asked by a coworker about her religion, just to get to know her, she replied that she was a Scientologist. My friend, intrigued, asked how she got into Scientology. She said, "I just believe in Science and technology and stuff and we need to use our brains more, so I'm a Scientologist."

Watching March of the Penguins in high school Biology next to the dumbest girl I’ve ever met. First, the DVD had a trailer for Happy Feet before the movie so she immediately goes, “Oh my god, how did they get the penguins to dance like that?” thinking it was part of the documentary.

Then later on there is a scene where one of the penguins gets eaten by a sea lion. She gasps and asks her friend how they’d gotten a dinosaur on film.

Worked at a Starbucks in a mall a few years ago. Some of the stores were going to be closed for Easter, and they had a list of those stores on signs all around the store way ahead of time.

Lady walks up to me at the register and asks if I know what stores will be closed.

I tell her I don't know them all but that there's a sign right behind her with a list to which she promptly responds with "I don't read signs" then expects me to tell her what she wants to know.

I couldn't hold my laughter after that.

Senior year of college and Army Reserve training. We had a freshman come in who was a little out of shape and struggling to get through the end of PT that morning (he ended up working really hard to get into shape) and basically collapsed half way through doing push-ups, reaching muscle failure.

As I'm coaching him and helping him finish the workout, this new instructor (who only lasted a few months because everyone freaking hated him) comes over and says, "Yes, that's what I like to see. You should be working for muscle failure every time you exercise."

I had to smile and give a "Roger sir", then pull the kid aside and explain to him that that's a stupid idea and a good way to get hurt.

Former co-worker of mine and I were walking through a department store during the holidays. There's an area dedicated to ugly sweaters and one had the Star of David all over it. My co-worker points to it and says "oh, isn't that sweater for that Jewish holiday? What's it called? Holocaust?"

I wish her the best.

Ever hear of those crappy free online IQ tests? My friend took one of these - but the one she took was even worse than the regular ones. It was obviously not a valid IQ test and probably made by either a 12-year-old, a crazy person, or a crazy 12-year-old.

Anyways, one question was "what is your favorite food out of these four?" which was already a really bad question. I didn't think it would get worse until I saw "what do you think of the iPhone?" I don't remember the fourth option, but out of "I love the iPhone," "It's good technology," and "What's an iPhone?" The smartest choice was what's an iPhone. Ridiculous, your IQ is higher by being ignorant of the world around you.

Anyways, to the main point, she got a high score and put it on her resume. I unfortunately can't find the IQ test.

My ex in high school and her friends. We were all standing around BSing and one of her friends brought up how north is up, like into the sky. She was 16. I said "uh, no that's not how that works." She, my ex, and their friend all argued with me for over 20 minutes how I was wrong and how south was down, into the ground and north was up into the sky.

I ended up just leaving mid conversation, I couldn't handle it.

HAVE YOU NEVER SPILLED ANYTHING IN YOUR LIFE?!

Guy heard about the drought going on in South Africa. He proceeded to scoff and tell me that it’s all a hoax, and to “tell that to the oceans which cover most of the planet with water”

Guy didn’t know we do not and cannot use the oceans as a source of drinking water.

Years later, this is still at the front of my mind. I had this conversation:

"What nationality are you?"

"Canadian."

"No, I mean, what nationality?"

"Ummm, do you mean heritage? Polish, I guess."

"No, no, listen, na-tional-ity."

"I don’t know what you’re asking?"

Whispers: "Nationality, like, are you white, black, etc.?"

"Just look at me, I’m white as snow, and that’s not nationality..."

"Cool I didn’t want to assume anything."

The woman who said this is fairly educated, which is why I could not get my head around that she was serious. She said she loves thunderstorms because it's amazing that water filled clouds that collide can make such a noise. I was like "what?" She then proceeded to explain to me how thunder happens from all the water particles in the clouds colliding. She was dead serious.

In replying to a student's question:

Student: "No, there's only like... maybe sixteen hours in a day."

Me: "I can assure you, there are twenty four hours in a day."

By the way, this student was a junior in high school.

I had a coworker of mine say “Ugh I just want a baby so bad!! I don’t need a man to come be the father, I just want a baby!! I have baby fever!!”

Me: “Why don’t you get a puppy and see how that goes first?”

Dummy: “Oh my god no, then I’d have to take it out and feed it all the time.”

Me: “Do you even know what a baby is?”

Flashback to my chemistry class, 10th grade. My teacher had just explained how it takes 750 liters of water to make one liter of orange juice or something like that.

Well, this girl in my class, I'll never forget her name (Genesis, everyone hated her because of how stupid she was/probably still is)... but anyways, a little more than FIVE MINUTES after my teacher said that she asks out loud, for the entire class to hear: "If the clean and drinkable water is running out, than why doesn't everyone just drink juice?"

OMFG she got FLAMED by the entire class, we devolved into animals. Everyone was SCREAMING at her and she still didn't get why what she had said was incredibly stupid.

I was once at a 7/11 with a propane display outside. This dumb guy gets out of his beat to crap pickup and flicks a smoke right into the bone dry mulch in front of said propane (we were in a heat wave too, past 3 days had been 90+ with 0 humidity).

20 seconds later the mulch starts smoking because it had caught fire. I jump out of the car and stomp it out then go inside and start cussing out the guy for being that stupid. "It's no big deal," was his reply. The 7/11 clerk kicked him out and I got a big gulp comped to me.

Just can't believe someone was that stupid. If I hadn't been there, the entire propane display could have exploded.

My boss and I had to cover an event a few hours away so we carpooled to the location. Now for a little back story I am decently traveled my parents made it a point for us to go on vacation every year to a new national park or outdoors destination usually traveled by car. My boss was born and raised in the same town we work in. She only leaves the city to visit family in NYC which is about 1.5 hours away.

Back to the story: So we are driving from mass to western Vermont and once we get off the highway there is nothing but farms everywhere. She is literally amazed by all the green grass, trees, horses, cows etc. I was like... alright a little odd a 30 year old is amazed by this but she did grow up in the city so whatever.

We are stopped at a railroad crossing for like a good 5 mins and she is complaining about the hold up so I explained this is 100% normal and really isn't a big deal. While we are sitting at the crossing she notices a sign that says how far towns are from the current location like Burlington 8, Dover 15 etc.

Well one of the towns had the same name as a town close to where we are travelling from. She says and I quote, "This is a really roundabout way to get to Ludlow, I mean you can just take 291 for like 5 mins and you are there."

At first I was like... she has to be joking she can't seriously think that we are in Ludlow MA. So I respond with, "I think that sign is for Ludlow, VT." And she goes, "I didn't know that multiple states can have the same town names! Isn't that confusing for the postal service?"

At that moment, I realized I work for an idiot.

I work in a door factory. I put doors on a router, set them somewhere, and my coworker puts glass in it and sends it off.

I usually get ahead of my coworker, so I had multiple piles with different orders. My coworker asks which pile to start on, and I tell him the far right one.

He goes for the one on the far left and I’m yelling at him not that pile, the far right.

He proceeds to go farther left and look for doors that aren’t there.

Come to find out that this dude doesn’t know his lefts or rights. I had to teach him the differences twice now. I showed him that trick you do with your left hand to make an L last time though, and he hasn’t messed up since.

I own a diner and we do a healthy to-go business. So one day I’m taking an order and the lady asked for the soups of the day. The conversation went like this.

Customer: What’s the soup of the day?

Me: Beef barley and chicken noodle.

Customer: Does the beef barley have meat in it?

Me: Yeah, it’s beef barley.

Customer: Oh forget it. I can’t eat pork. I’ll have a BLT instead.

Me: (quietly weeps for society)

I was about 10 years old, in the car with my dad and older (12y.o.) brother. The guy on the radio was talking about a robbery that occurred “at gunpoint” a few hours earlier that day in town.

The silence in the car as we all listened to the radio was interrupted from the backseat by a curious voice that asked, “dad... where’s gun point?”

Unfortunately, this comment was said by me. Over a decade later they still won’t let me forget it.

A man tried to run full speed through the Disneyland security checkpoint, got clotheslined by security, and then was completely unwilling to understand why his family now wouldn't be allowed in the park due to him being a "security risk."

On my last trip to Disneyland, I was waiting in line to enter the park. Recently, due to crappy people doing crappy things, Disney has implemented a security checkpoint. This includes a bag check and a metal detector. It moves fast, it's easy, it takes maybe three minutes out of your day.

As I was standing there, from behind me, I heard the telltale sound of someone running in flip flops. I turned around and there was a family of five SPRINTING towards the checkpoint, all in matching shirts, looking like they were running for their lives. I think a parade was about to start or something. Clearly their lives would end if they didn't make it inside in time to see the old man from Up waving on a float.

The mom and the three kids slowed down a little to find a security line. The dad didn't. Desperate times called for desperate measures. If he didn't get Little Jimmy inside in time to see Moana CRAP WAS GOING TO HIT THE FAN.

The dad blew straight past the bag check, jostling a few people, and continued right through the metal detector. The alarms went off, but he didn't stop. Not yet.

A security guard jumped in front of him, threw out an arm, and clotheslined his butt.

By the time I got through the line, they had pulled the guy and his completely MORTIFIED family off to the side, and were attempting to escort them out of the park. The guy was confused, angry, and volatile. What did they MEAN he couldn't go in?! What did they MEAN he was now a "security risk?!" He's here on VACATION.

I ended up walking away, just close enough to hear an angry "BUT WE BOUGHT TICKETS!"

If I had three days and a PowerPoint presentation I still don't think I could explain to that man what he did wrong.

By the way, the parade was baller.

When I was in the Army, I had a soldier that was a very good human being, but was in no way, shape, or form a good fit for the military. He was clumsy, unathletic (watching him try to dribble a basketball was like watching Squidward try to dribble a basketball) and generally aloof.

I tried to get people in my team to teach classes to the rest of the team. I found it helped them build confidence in their skills and taught everybody else stuff they might not know as well, so it was win win. For example, I had one person teach basic first aid. I had my SAW gunner go over tearing his gun apart and cleaning it, and putting it back together. etc. Basic stuff like that. I asked this private what he wanted to teach, and he's like "I don't really know, Sergeant." I asked what he's good at and he was like "history? or I could do hacky sack." Again, a good guy, just aloof.

Then he said the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my life, and I once convinced another guy in the army that the Louisiana Purchase went bad and he was going to be French at the end of the month. That's another story though. Back to Squidward:

We had a dress uniform inspection every month. You'd get your Class A uniform ready (clean and pressed, medals on, brass polished, etc.) go outside in formation, wear it for about 15 minutes, and then do the whole thing over again the next month. The night before the inspection, I walked through my soldiers' rooms and inspected their uniform to make sure everything was in order and nothing was missing.

I had to take another guy to an appointment 3 hours away (we were in South Korea) that morning, and 10 minutes before the inspection is supposed to begin, I get a phone call from Squidward and he drops this freaking bomb on me:

"Sergeant. My pants don't work."

"What the heck are you talking about? How the crap do they not work?"

"I can't close them."

"Did you get fat this month? I saw you wearing them last month. I saw you wear pants yesterday. What exactly is the problem?"

"They're not working. I can't get them closed and I think my dry cleaner sewed my pockets upside down."

"HOLD UP. Your pockets? Are upside down? Are your pants inside out?"

"I don't think so, Sergeant. I'm not that dumb."

"Humor me, and check."

"Not inside out! I told you!"

"Okay. Try putting your hands in your pockets and pushing them all the way down."

"Should I take the stuff out of them?"

"Please do."

"Woah Sergeant, it worked. My pants work again. I have to go. Inspection and all."

"I'm aware." Dude's pockets flipped upside down to the inside of his waist band and he had them so full of stuff that he couldn't close his pants. He was 21 years old. I'm still absolutely in awe that the army saw fit to give him a grenade launcher.

Where I work, there are sometimes errors with the systems as there are in all IT related jobs. I'm part of a team that works as a middle-man to see if we can resolve the errors using common workarounds before forwarding them up to the higher IT levels called Support Services if we're unsuccessful.

The only issue is that Support Services have NO clue on what we do or how to do it so when reporting the error, you have to spell out what the error is and how to replicate it. Now while that's fair as it's not their job, they also have no common sense and short term memory. An email conversation I've had over the last week for example:

Me: (Screenshot of error, detailed paragraph explaining how to replicate said error)

SS: Could you please clarify what error message is received?

Me: -1013 error, Sp1 issue. The error is in the attached screenshot.

SS: Could you please attach the screenshot again so we can see what the error message is (they can replicate this themselves, that's the whole point of the conversation)

Me: Here's the screenshot, please can we have a tracker to try and get manual payments sorted for the customer.

SS: Could you explain what changes you were trying to make?

Me: I detailed this in the original email. Change figure 'x' to 'y' after customer provided new financial document and validate the changes.

SS: What document holds these figures?

Me: The document scanned onto the system on the 4th, the only document received in the last year from the customer.

SS: Could you attach a screenshot of the error again?

Me: I have done this twice before. It is your job to replicate the error so you would be able to see it if you followed my instructions on how to replicate the error. But, here is the final screenshot of the error.

SS: Could you confirm exactly what changes you were trying to make again?

The word 'again' was the trigger for me to turn off my computer and calmly ask my manager for half a day flexi-hour holiday starting that moment.