Here's a tip to improve your love life: if a guy keeps insisting that he's really a "nice guy," run in the other direction. The "nice guy" has become a warning label recently for men who think they keep finishing last because the universe is conspiring against them. But really, they're mean, jealous, selfish, or downright dangerous. We asked woman from around the world to share their experiences dating these so-called "nice guys." They can all agree on one thing - never again.
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45. Two-faced on Tinder.
He seemed a bit shy but goofy, smart and genuinely kind when he approached me, so I agreed to go out and we hit it off at first. Deep, meaningful conversation about our personal challenges, him quickly meeting my friends and me being the first person he called after a family emergency. We were both pretty vulnerable, but things were seemingly progressing somewhat well.
One day he was on Tinder in bed next to me and when called on it, he said that dating me had made him realize that he needed more confidence and experience with women and thus needed to date a lot more different people, but that he only saw the others at their houses, so I was obviously his no1. I freaked, cried and broke things off - he called me the next day to casually ask me out to the new Hunger Games movie.
I got an STD-screening the next week - he harassed me at work for another 6 months.
44. What a prince.
He went out bowling with his friends and then when he came home he complained to me that for the first time in his life a hot girl had hit on him while he was out, and he was unlucky enough to actually have a girlfriend (me.) He seemed genuinely sad he had to turn her down, and expected me to be grateful he did it.
Image by Sharon Ang from Pixabay
43. That's a no.
He proposed to me after we worked on a group project. When I turned down this guy I barely knew and definitely never dated he stalked and harassed me for about half a year until he found his next "true love." He was a serial proposer.
Image by Armando Orozco from Pixabay
42. Behind closed doors.
He was funny and friendly in public, but turned into a different person as soon as we were behind closed doors. He was basically your textbook abuser - manipulative, controlling, and demanding. He wanted to do some really weird and degrading (to me) stuff in bed and acted like I was the psycho for not wanting to. He'd make angry comments like "I'm just trying to be romantic and YOU keep freaking out". I got out of the relationship before he could do anything really vile, but no question that was what the future held. Oh, and he still insisted that he was the nicest guy I'd ever meet.
41. Two sides to every story.
He was the funny guy, the son in law that every mother dreams about, but behind close doors he was controlling and manipulative. If I was to go out with friends he would try to blackmail me saying I was abandoning him, and that I didn't love him. He would say those things even when I got together with colleagues to study. He tried to isolate me from my friends and family, he said that it I ever cheated he would hit me so hard no one would recognize me. When I realized what was going on I was on a toxic relationship for a year. And noped out with the help of some friends who never gave up on me. Until today he tells the story that I was the crazy girlfriend and that he was a terrible victim on the story.
40. Sleepless in wherever.
Went on a brilliant date. I had the best time. He came back to mine because he said he couldn’t get a taxi. I put him on the sofa and he came into my room in the night and tried to get things going with me. I pretended to be asleep hoping he’d stop, he didn’t. He fell asleep with his hands all over me. Then in the morning he left and never spoke to me again.
39. Not your baby mama.
He was always nice to me but very easily jealous anytime another guy spoke to me. We were just friends and only went out once yet he felt like he needed to make me feel bad whenever other guys gave me a little attention. He also had a horrible drinking problem and serious anger issues. And the whole time he was trying to woo me, he was also hooking up with his ex and ended up getting her pregnant. So yeah, no regrets about that.
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38. Power games.
We dated, he was attentive and "not like the other guys." He wasn't my type really, but I HAD been dating people who genuinely treated me poorly and I thought it was time I made a more mature decision and dated someone with a job, who respected me, etc. He proposed super fast. I married him. Fast forward, he slowly became the most abusive person I have ever known, demanding that I devolve into his slave, basically. He was addicted to weed and video games, and believed he was "not like other guys." He was special, according to him. He was more honest, smarter, etc than anyone in the world and I didn't appreciate him enough. I became a prisoner in my own home, he controlled all the money and my social life. I was miserable. One day he physically attacked me, and I fled my home in panicked fear. He sent me a manifesto email telling me that unless I can submit 100% to his complete control at all times, I was not to come home (to the house we owned together). We're divorced now. He keeps trying to get me back, he "has changed" and misses me. Nice guys, not even once.
37. What's your name again?
Whenever I did something that he wasn't present for, or when he wasn't around me physically, he would get jealous at the fictional or imaginary "guy I was speaking to" (or the possibility of meeting another guy, and leaving him) in his mind, based on his own deep-seated insecurities. For example, one time, we were supposed to meet up after one of his classes ended, and I wandered off because I got a migraine, which comes with confusion for me.
The first thing out of his mouth when he finally finds me? "Where were you? What were you doing? You were talking with another guy, weren't you? Were you cheating on me with another guy?" Meanwhile, I am confused, in a lot of pain, and not even sure what he's even talking about...
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36. Holier than thou.
He was the “nice Christian guy” I thought might be change up from some of the gross guys I’d been dating.
Well, he was insecure as it turns out and constantly negged me. He was also a pathological liar. He once told me I had told him I did believe in Jesus even though I explicitly told him I was non religious when we started dating.
When I broke up with him I told him he treated me like crap and that I was a catch. His loss.
35. Don't look back.
At first he was very charming and lovely to be with, but he became extremely controlling very quickly, telling me what to wear, how to do my makeup, claiming all the typical 'nice guy' things like "You're prettier without makeup", etc. This was only three weeks in and when I called it off with him he begged me to stay and claimed he was just protecting me from the bad boys out there and started spewing crap about how girls never give 'nice guys' a chance. What ever, man. I'm outta here.
34. Super hypocrite.
Turned out to be an awful human being. Was a nice shy guy at first but upon getting into a serious relationship that was just for the public. Behind closed doors was a very insecure person. He had decent looks but was short and skinny with glasses. I didn't mind and never used that against him but it affected his confidence and he took it out on everyone else. Even after trying to work on it for months and always reassuring him he ended up cheating on me several times and then hid behind the nice guy victim thing. Went and told everyone that I was out of his league and just using him as a place to live and I had been the one cheating which wasn't true. I moved out and got my own place immediately to proceed I could and cut all ties.
33. Awkward staff meetings.
Nothing bad - it was just bland. Kinda like the guy, just a whole bunch of Ehhh. If he was ice cream, he'd be a sad flavorless vanilla with freezer burn. All we did really was hang out at his house and watch southpark - back when it was cool. He would talk about how women weren't interested in him which was weird because HELLO, dating you here. We were each other's first and I wanted to do more than watch him play WoW and us watch southpark. He wasn't interested until I was going to break up with him. We didn't stay friends and I learned not to date coworkers when you work in an office of three.
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32. In need of a promotion.
He made up a whole scenario about a fake job... told me he worked for Kimberly-Clark as a graphic design person— (which already was strange sounding) as my suspicion grew, I asked for a selfie from his office. He proceeded to navigate himself an hour away from his house to an actual high rise within the city and took a picture of himself in an elevator mirror without realizing I’m not stupid (he left his facial piercings in and was wearing a hat, KC is NOT that lenient)... when confronted he said he didn’t know why he lied.
31. Blocking the blocker.
He was charming, smart, funny, and successful. The personification of Southern Gentleman with an adorable "I can't technology" quirk. Lovely southern accent.
Managed to "accidentally" block me for months at a time, repeatedly, on phones that didn't have a blocking capability. Wouldn't tell me where he lived after almost a year. He didn't even want me to go to his city for a night out. "It's the man's job to come to the lady."
I dumped him, not because I thought he was cheating on me, but aside from the constant "oh I accidentally blocked you," I came to the conclusion he was using me to cheat on a wife or long-term partner and wanted no part of that.
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30. No means no means no.
I ended up filing a police report and moving apartments because he didn't take it well when I broke up with him. He spent hours outside my apartment demanding an explanation, because he just couldn't understand that I didn't want to he with him anymore. He was convinced someone had talked me into ending it, and if I would just hear him out I'd change my mind. Took 3 visits from the cops and a change of address before he got the message.
29. It's not me, it's you.
Never dated him, but he was one of my best friends for a decade until recently. He was pretty depressive for a lot of our friendship and I was happy to be a support system, but towards the end, his complaints about life become more and more about how women have it so much easier than men. He began to talk about how he wasn't man enough for the women around him and it wasn't fair that he didn't have a girlfriend.
His inward feelings of feeling emasculated by society turned into outward anger for the women who rejected him, because they expected him to have his life together a little bit...I just got so sick of hearing him say that everything was so much easier for women.
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28. Scarred for life.
After years, I finally gave this guy who’s been in love with me since high school a chance. He’s definitely deemed as a ‘nice guy’. He was great and he’ll make someone happy but he just wasn’t for me. He definitely tried his hardest to win me over & keep me happy but he was also very smothering when we were just in the talking stage - ALWAYS wanted to talk about our feelings, sending cute messages literally every morning or throughout the day, getting mad at me when I didn’t have an answer to questions pertaining to the future. Our first date ended with a fight, so uh there’s that.
Long story short- I’m now traumatized when I get into new relationships because I don’t want to annoy my SO like this guy did to me constantly texting me & asking me about feeling and trying to be cute. Most I’ll send now is a good morning text and I refuse to do some things that could be cute just because I’m worried I’ll be the one annoying my SO now.
27. Don't make a scene.
Went on two dates. He tried to drop by my work to 'surprise me' after the first one. Thought that was weird, but I was 19 and not wise to the ways of the world yet. On the second date, I told him that he seemed nice, but I wasn't feeling it.
Dude started SCREAMING at me to the extent that strangers had to intervene because he was using foul language and tried to grab my arm. To this day I'm glad I ended whatever that was in a public place, I have no doubt he would have gotten violent if it had been otherwise.
26. Thanks for the award.
We were friends for a while. I knew he had a crush but had kept it strictly platonic. One night we went to a house party (ASU circa 2003) and got white girl wasted. He made a pass and I figured... oh let's give it a go. It was terrible. I knew it was a mistake even while it was happening. Next morning he wants to go to brunch with his parents. I declined and said I think we should take a step backwards, that he was a great guy but I didn't think I was in a place to make a commitment. He flipped. Called me all kinds of names. Vandalized my car. Had a trophy made that said "biggest [bleep]" and left it in front of my dorm room (which would have been hilarious by itself). Oh Joe.... poor sad... Joe.
Image by Victor Jumbo from Pixabay
25. So, what kind of music do you like?
I agreed to go to the movies with him that weekend. His behavior immediately got so overbearing I cancelled that same day, well before the date even happened. He responded by stalking me for at least two years after. People I dated would report being confronted by someone who matched his description, who never gave a name but would tell them he was my "real boyfriend" and they needed to stop talking to me or he would hurt them.
He also has the distinction of being the only person I've ever heard describe themselves as a "nice guy" verbatim. He said it very often, including while wheedling me into agreeing to a date. "Nice Guys Finish Last" by Green Day was literally his favorite song.
Photo by Spencer Backman on Unsplash
24. Keep his name off the deed.
He's the only guy I've met through friends, we got to know each other a lot better during a camping trip when we both stayed up around the fire getting to know each other. He had to travel for work for 3 months but we decided to go for it and date each other one month before he left. Within a month of his return, he was acting distant and I found out he was still talking to other girls he had met on online dating sites previous to us dating, texting his previous booty call when things with me weren't great. Eventually I found out that he frequented dating forums online and he had cheated on me with them too. When I broke up with him and asked for no contact for 3 months, he told me he wanted to buy half of my condo to prove to me he was in it for the long run (which I said no to). Then right before the 3 month period, I saw him posting pics with another girl he was dating, then him emailing me begging for closure - if we would be talking. A good life lesson I learned in 10 months to trust my gut more.
23. Can't stop a stalker.
Went on one date with a guy in highschool, told him I wasn't interested in continuing to see him. We went to a movie and the whole time he kept trying to put his hand on my leg and move it up slowly, I literally kept physically pushing his hand off.
So he keeps texting me as if we are dating, trying to start conversations and making plans to hang out, completely ignoring me turning him down. Finally he decides he is "breaking up" with me because I wasn't religious and he had to be with a girl who had a relationship with Jesus Christ.
I tell my friend about this dude, turns out he had a reputation and had been texting her asking for nudes because THEY went on a single date as well and she turned him down for being a perv.
Fast forward maybe a year later I'm in the next city over at a fireworks festival. I get a text from an unknown number saying "Hey, are you in (town)?" I'm a little weirded out so I say "No, who is this?" And get the response "It's (the guy) and yes you are in town, I'm looking at you right now." I told my friend I was with and we got the heck out of there, I never saw him again.
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22. Nice try, nice guy.
He came across as a nice guy, who was a bit shy and sweet. After seeing him for a while I started to notice him getting jealous whenever I would chat to other guys at parties. So when I gently confronted him about it, he would totally deny it and get angry at me for even thinking he would.
Some fishy behaviour came out regarding him still being in contact with his ex of a year (he always talked about how crazy she was), and then more sketchy relations with him getting way too close to my apparent 'best friend' at the time. When I had a suspicion about all of the above, he went nuts at me and accused me of being crazy, like how dare I even think it could be true. At the same time his was all going on, he mislead our group of friends into thinking I was crazy and implied I abused him - that part makes me sick to this day. He was totally hot and cold, and I'd often find myself apologising to him about things he'd done to hurt me in the first place. I think he got a kick out of having the upper hand, and would frequently gaslight me.
Roll forward several months, the previous best friend came clean about it all and turns out my suspicions proved to be true. It took me a while to realize how manipulative he was. This guy tried to message me a few weeks back to get coffee, and I responded by blocking him. Never again.
21. Good girl loves a bad boy.
We fell in love and got married. I did EVERYTHING for him, cooked, cleaned, did the gardening, took out the bins, sorted all the household stuff like bills and stuff, nursed him after a major surgery, ironed his shirts and made him packed lunches. In return he’d remind me how lucky I was he wasn’t one of those terrible guys who went out drinking all the time and that I was so lucky to have such a nice guy. He left me for a friend of mine and screwed me over financially by taking the bulk of our savings... I’ve now realised I don’t want “nice”, I’ve gotten myself a “bad boy” who also happens to be a “good man”. Sexy and thrilling but with a heart of gold.
20. Three's a crowd, anyway.
I told him I wasn’t interested after a few dates. He then pushed and pushed and pushed to know WHY until I was so frustrated that I just told him every little thing I disliked or wasn’t into about him. He took it all in like research and then wrote me a three page letter explaining how much he was into me and how he knew we could get past those things. I told him I still wasn’t interested but we could be friends. We stayed friends until I started seeing a guy, who he definitely thought was the bad boy in the bad boy/nice guy dichotomy. He wouldn’t acknowledge my new relationship, so we stopped being friends.
19. Clearly he doesn't know about sisters before misters.
He pursued me for months and I repeatedly said no because I didn’t see it being long-term. Finally gave him a chance the third time he asked. He was sweet for a week. Then he went back to gaming in all his free time and acted like I was an accessory he now had secured, not a person he actually wanted to get to know better. He was constantly comparing himself to guys at our school who he considered good-looking but douchey, and whining that girls only liked guys with popped collars and cars, not nice guys like him. Note that he was saying this WHILE I was dating him, so it made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for him. He seemed really bratty and immature and he was so insecure that he’d throw his male friends under the bus by telling me who had bacne, who had saggy balls, etc. It was a big turn off, because I figured if he wasn’t loyal to his friends, how could I trust him either?
I broke up with him after a couple months and he threatened to kill himself but instead of doing that he just sat in the library playing WoW and glaring at me. A couple years later I heard through mutual friends that he made a move on my (former) bff and told her he was actually attracted to her the whole time he was dating me. Such a “nice” guy!
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18. No back stage pass for him.
So I had a crush on this guy in high school, college comes around and he’s single and wants to date me, awesome! It’s going great!
I take him to my college’s performance of Cinderella and he proceeds to draw faces on all my friends pictures who were in the cast brochure and shows it to me, so proud of his artwork. Uhhhh okay dude, that’s pretty immature and disrespectful, those are my friends.
My birthday comes around. He got mad at my true life Mary Poppins of a Grandmother for buying me tickets to my favorite musical for my birthday because “he was going to buy them for me.” Well he got even more angry at me when I decided not to take him. Why would I? He can’t even behave himself at a college production, what makes me think he’d behave at a professional level one.
I broke up with him shortly after that, he spent a while on Facebook trying to convince my friends that he was cooler and they should hang out with him instead. Oh, and his replacement gift for my birthday was a carton of smokes....and I had been trying to quit for about a month at that time.
Photo by Monica Silvestre from Pexels
17. An SMS story.
I went on about two dates with him. We had a good enough time that I went back to his place. He didn't use a condom despite me explicitly stating that was a requirement and he had them sitting out. I didn't notice until it was too late. Oh well I got over it. I noticed that I wasn't quite sure how much of what he said was true and how much were lies. Anyway we started setting up a third date and o just had a super bad feeling. I always listen to them, but I couldn't tell if it was about him or just the date so I tried to reschedule and told him I didn't feel comfortable and that's when he went off.
"I bought groceries for this" "come over here right now" "I hope you get AIDS and die" "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it" "can we make this work?" "I really like you" "get over here now!" And on and on and on. Finally it stopped and I realized how much of a bullet I had dodged and how I really wasn't safe in the first place. Then after two years of silence he texted me out of the blue and then started going off again. Mostly to my fiance who texted him asking him to stop or we would go to the police. Then he started making up weirder lies about how he was a federal agent and someone was coming to kill both of us. Needless to say we filed a police report (he had done similar text stalking before) and I filed a restraining order. Everything was through text, but better safe than sorry. That was our nightmare about a year ago. It's over now, but damn that was rough for a bit.
16. PDA: public display of aggression.
He was a friend of friends. Met him a few times in social settings, and he was funny and cute and seemed like somebody I'd hang out with.
Our first real date (we hung out twice alone before, light making out happened, nothing crazy) he drank a double bottle of wine himself - charmed every girl in the place with his jokes - and afterwards walked me outside and tried to make out with me on a busy street. I kissed back a little, then asked him if we could do that back at his place (walking distance from his house at this point and I didn't like being watched by strangers) and he proceeded to scream at me in the street for an hour about being rejected by girls and being sick of the friend zone and how girls love to go out with jerks and not nice guys like him...
At first I felt bad for him, and I tried to explain that clearly I was into him, since I was actually out with him, and up until that point, I did actually think he was a nice guy.
He told me to sleep in my car, when it was about 30 degrees outside. (I had been drinking, and we'd pre-planned my staying with him that night. I lived half an hour away.)
Afterwards, I told one of our mutual friends what happened. She said, "You know, I can totally see him pulling something like that." A heads up would've been nice.
15. A nice guy who's actually nice.
A Nice Guy friend: friend with my friends, I met him and immediately felt creeped out. Friends all liked him so I quashed my feelings and kept hanging out with him. He paid lip service to being feminist but he’d hit on everyone in the friend group when we’d all made it very clear we didn’t want to be with him. We all eventually realized he was super creepy and backed away but he was still living with some people in the friend group and we were afraid to explicitly cut him out in that situation. He ended up telling his female roommate/my friend that she looked "doable."
A Nice Guy partner: I thought he was gonna be a Nice Guy. He hung out in hippie pants, talked about how much he loves V for Vendetta, Japan, and martial arts, he drank White Russians, he talked so much nonsense all the time, and he’d offer me massages occasionally.
I’ve been dating him for over a year, he’s super kind and emotionally mature. He genuinely meant those massage offers platonically and was shocked when I accepted a massage and, having rejected him once before, kissed him during it. And the rest he just really enjoys and doesn’t realize that they have a neck beard association.
My take away is to trust my gut but don’t rely as much as I did on stereotypes.
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14. Gaslighting is the worst.
He told me what a nice guy he was, and how things never worked out but every girl he dated always told him how much of a nice guy he is.
We dated and he was angry all the time, would fly off the handle at nothing and escalate almost everything into a yelling argument. He would not stop. And he told me that I was forcing him to act this way and he never was like this when he wasn't dating me. Multiple times I ended up saying, "then why are you with me if I'm so bad for you??"
Another thing I noticed.... he'd use my name a lot when trying to deny the things he said. Now I know this is a manipulation tactic. I broke it off once I learned about the term "gaslighting". So much of those arguments just left me angry, and then after the gaslighting, confused and I spent a lot of time filtering everything I said and did as much as I could to not trigger him to freak out. Once you recognise you're doing this, it's 100% red flag.
It was a very unpleasant time. I can't explain how much it drives you insane to have someone not recognise or own up to the things they said. "I never said that!" "You're putting words in my mouth!" "YOU said that, I didn't say that!" to the point of feeling like I had to walk around with a tape recorder for every conversation. It ACTUALLY makes you question your own sanity. Because how could any sane person not remember something they themselves said??? Isn't that the most fundamental part of your memory? So it makes you question, maybe you ARE remembering wrong, or interpreting wrong. It's awful. Never again.
Now I can see the red flags and I've cut off one relationship at the start, and avoided another. It's just this feeling I get about someone now and I KNOW. I don't even give it a chance. Never again.
Image by Pintera Studio from Pixabay
13. It's nice to have someone who cares.
At first I was sympathetic that he hadn't really made any friends before we dated (starting at the end of our junior years of high school) and believed him when he talked about how "people always bullied him wherever he went" and "no one wanted to make friends with him." He also loved the idea of dating someone who was going to be a counselor because he thougth it was an admirable job.
Turns out he just wanted someone to be more of a therapist than a partner to him, and he would get upset if I didn't walk on eggshells around him. Later on he also started blaming me for not wanting to have relations with him every day. I was getting FREQUENT urinary tract infections (multiple a month at one point) and was physically unable to, but that was an excuse to him. He considered masturbating almost as reprehensible as cheating on him, so when I wouldn't be in the mood (every day) it would be my fault for masturbating (whether I had or not) and got to a point where I would just agree to get it over with and get him to leave me alone. He had a lot of weird ideas about it and how it could only be missionary with very little foreplay or aftercare, so the whole affair became this uncomfortable 2 minute daily dissociation that I got through for awhile because I thought that's what I had to do for someone to love me.
I've since found a partner who values me and takes care of me back when I take care of him (although lately he's been doing much more to support me). He is a gift that I am constantly grateful for.
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12. Wise words.
I was in a relationship with a “nice guy” for nearly 5 years. Overtime he gradually convinced me to push everyone out of my life - family included.
He also started doing physical stuff to me in my sleep (I’m a deep sleeper). When I found out and told him to stop, he apologized and said he would stop. He didn’t. I started hardly ever sleeping, so as to avoid him violating me in my sleep.
When I started applying to universities to pursue my masters degree he told me that I didn’t need to keep going to school because he loved me and was going to take care of me forever.
He also broke my belongings when we fought.
But he was always so kind, romantic, and convincing. All of this was so gradual that it took years to see what a mess our relationship was.
After I broke up with him he continued to send me gifts for about a year and then started sending me emails, after I moved across the country. But then he got a new girlfriend about a year ago. Haven’t heard from him since.
Nice people are nice. But not all nice people are good.
11. Tough time on Tinder.
We met on Tinder and he convinced me he was such a nice guy and he was so misunderstood...the typical sob story. He catfished me with old photos, tried to convince me that I had autism and we would be "an amazing autistic couple." I finished the date - politely making conversation while waiting for my half of the cheque. At the end, I wouldn't let him walk me to my car. I walked him to the bus stop and waited for the bus to drive off before I left.
When I told him later that night that we didn't really have chemistry, he begged for another chance. He told me he was really depressed and had to see me again because I helped him to feel happy. This is 110% emotional blackmail and I fell for it.
We met again, I was really uncomfortable the entire time but he tried to insist that I was the one for him if I would just meet him closer to his place. He kept trying to grab my waist and hands despite me saying No.
I was weirded out and eventually said goodnight. He went in for a kiss, but I ducked and walked the long way home. He threatened suicide later that night and showed me his giant scar down his arm from when he had been unsuccessful previously.
I freaked out and blocked him. He messaged me on Facebook a week later telling me that he thought we had chemistry and he hadn't friended me yet because he thought it was creepy. So he waited and was messaging me as a final attempt to court me.
It was a wild ride.
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10. Fool me twice.
One I wouldn’t consider someone I really dated but gave a chance to start hanging out. We hung out for about a month and he became a stage 5 clinger within a week. Naturally I am a clinger to most people because I fall for those I date quite quickly but this was too much. He said he loved me within a week and followed me like a lost puppy. When I told him it wasn’t going to work he cried like I ended a 5 year relationship. It was totally weird. Good thing is he didn’t stalk me or anything after that and things went back to normal and he found someone else.
The second “nice guy” was someone I dated for almost 3 years. He was the type that could be hit on repeatedly and have zero clue that it was happening. I had to initiate every single move which was foreign to me. It wasn’t a big deal but things went from great to him being like his mom. I think it’s great when men have an amazing relationship with their family especially their mom but this ticked me off. She was the type that stayed at home and said that the husband needs to be treated like a king so the whole old school mentality which is fine. Any thing that I did was criticized because I didn’t do it the right way. Something as small as using margarine instead of butter or eating white bread instead of wheat was to be talked about. (Funny but now I only have butter or wheat bread because they were right about that). So every little thing I did had to be done to his mother’s standards which got old very very fast. Also I was judged for going to a public high school instead of catholic school. His family said that I didn’t get as good of an education which is far from true since my school was one of the best in our state. His one younger brother was such a jerk to me as well. I think he had a crush on me and that was his way of handling it but it was really awkward and boyfriend didn’t stick up for me. It got so bad that I ended up telling their mom since the boyfriend refused to handle it.
I’m much better off now but hey you live and learn!
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9. Nice, but not great.
Unfortunately we dated for 7 years too long. I was his first girlfriend (we were in college) and he was the sweetest guy ever; not a mean bone in his body. My parents loved him, friends loved him, his family loved me, and everyone thought he was the one because how could he not be? He was so kind, polite, just an all around amazing guy - I loved him but I just never fell in love with him.
From the day we graduated, he really dialed it up a notch and everything he did revolved around wanting to “take care” of me. He just wanted to do everything for me so that I didn’t have to. He got a great job right out of college, bought a house, was making great money for the both of us and... I don’t know. It really made me feel like I couldn’t be my own person or my own success story and that could never be if we stayed together.
I ended up being the one to break up with him. The entire world hated me for it but I made it easy for our mutual friends and just saw my own way out of our social circles. I got a lot of “how could you do this to him?” “How could you be so cruel?” and they were right in that I should have listened to my gut earlier and ended it years ago. In everyone’s minds, there was no justifiable reason why I would do that to such a great guy. To someone so perfect.
But in the end, I knew I wasn’t perfect for him. We went our own ways and he ended up marrying a wonderful woman, from what I’ve heard, and I married my now-husband. Today is our 1 year anniversary and we have a baby on the way, due in April. As he sleeps soundly next to me, I am so thankful that I made the decision I did. I can’t tell you how scary it is to think about what my life would have been like had I stayed. It terrifies me to think I wouldn’t have what I have now.
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8. Doesn't anyone work anymore?
I didn’t actually give him a chance, but...I was talking to my guy friend, Andrew, in the break room at work one day and another guy jumps in the conversation with a “hey man, what’s up” to Andrew. I assumed they must be coworkers.
After that he proceeds to stop by my office every night “on his way out” to make increasingly awkward small talk. I mention that I have a boyfriend (true), but he keeps coming anyway looking for anything to talk about. “Hey, (pointing to the cartoon on the box of cereal on my desk), it looks like we’re both into anime!” Nope, I’m just into generic Lucky Charms, dude. I try to be friendly. Then he escalates into things like “Does your boyfriend come take you out to lunch every week? No? You deserve someone who treats you better than that.”
He offers to build me a better desk. I decline and get a “jeez, I’m just trying to do something nice for you.” I tell him these conversations are making me uncomfortable and when I’m at work I’m working. He gives me a “jeez, I was just saying hi on my way out.” I close my office door. He keeps coming and knocking. I keep the door closed and wave him off. He gives me flowers for Valentines Day.
I go to my friend Andrew and ask him if he’ll tell his coworker to back off. Turns out Andrew has only ever talked to him that one time in the break room. We look him up in the company directory and the guy works two floors below me, so I’m not on his “way out.” Eventually I called corporate security and they had a talk with him and his boss and deactivated his badge access to my floor.
Image by hamonazaryan1 from Pixabay
7. 500 days of human resources.
Back when I was single and had been at my current job for about a year, a coworker asked me out on a date. I didn't know him very well, but he was always kind to people and seemed like a genuinely friendly guy. I decided to say yes, mostly because I had a good impression of him and I appreciated the fact that he had the guts to ask me out (he was pretty shy as well). However, I immediately made it clear that while I would like to hang out and get to know him better, that I was not wanting to get involved in a serious relationship anytime soon and that if he was looking for that then we should remain platonic. I had recently had a string of ill-fated relationships and was trying to focus on building my career and improving myself. I also knew from experience that it was extremely important to clearly communicate intentions at the beginning in order to avoid misunderstandings and future problems, especially since we worked together. He said that he completely understood and even that he felt the same way. He was adamant that he taking things slowly was the best and that we would keep things casual. Awesome, totally on the same page.
Except we weren't.
It soon became clear that he hadn't been completely honest with me and was hoping for something serious. At first, I tried to brush it off, but he began to do things like not-so-subtly hint to other coworkers that I was his girlfriend after agreeing to remain confidential for the time being (less than a week after the first date) and talking about making plans for the summer, 7 months in advance. The final straw was that while hanging out he and he *unexpectedly* needed to go pick up his sister, and ended up introducing me to his entire family without any warning after only 1 week. I felt completely ambushed and frustrated because I knew he had not been honest with me. That night, I ended it, saying that I knew that he was looking for something serious despite what he had said and that I was honest with him from the beginning and was not going to change my mind. I also told him that he had been pushing this to be something that was never agreed upon and that he put me into a very uncomfortable position. Finally, I said that I was sorry for hurting him, and I still thought he was a good guy, but that we couldn't go forward being on completely different pages. It sucked and I felt like trash. He proceeded to cry and act completely confused, as if he didn't believe me at all when I told him my intentions. It was extremely frustrating because despite me being 100% honest the entire time, he acted like a puppy that had been kicked for weeks afterward and I was seen as a heartless jerk by my coworkers. Over time, things blew over and we're now on good terms again, but I know he has still not let go of wanting to be more, a year and a half later.
6. So much for the paint job.
I gave a nice guy a chance once. He was super nerdy. Not bad looking at all, but just socially awkward. My roommate's boyfriend was friends with him and she really thought we would be good together. Um....no.
So I invite him over for dinner (we were poor and in college so cooking was cheaper than going out). We have some awkward conversation but not the worst ever. After dinner we kissed a little bit on the couch but he kept biting my lips and pushing against me way too hard with his face, to the point that my head was crushed against the hard back of the couch. Okay, still, not a dealbreaker, I’ve been guys’ first kiss before, and usually it just takes a couple of minutes instruction and then they’re fine. Not this one.
So at this point I decided I just didn’t want to date him (to be honest I was in love with someone else and I knew he’d never measure up in my mind) so I told him it’s best if we stay friends. He says okay.
Two days later my roommates and I invited about eight people over for a quiet party. So we were all talking to everybody there, which included guys and girls. Nice Guy just sits there sullenly the whole time in the corner. Finally everybody gets up to leave but him. He’s just hanging around for a good two hours after everybody else left and we just want to clean up and go to bed. So my best friend tells him nicely, hey, let’s go, I think they want to go to bed now. So instead of leaving he goes and starts washing the dishes. It’s now one in the morning. My friend (who is very blunt, bless her) tells him again, no, please stop, you need to go now.
This is where it gets real. He screams at her to shut up, then runs out of the kitchen and starts banging his head hard against the living room wall. Pictures fell down from where they were hanging. So we’re all standing there like what the heck. And he keeps yelling, I have no idea what. Finally my roommate's boyfriend comes out of her room, sees what’s going on and gets him out the door.
I sent him an email the next day saying I never wanted to speak to him again because of the way he screamed at my friend. I think he decided I was a terrible person and started talking about me behind my back, but luckily he met some other girl soon after and henceforth ignored my existence.
Image by StockSnap from Pixabay
5. Someone needs to be watching him.
Had a "nice guy" on tinder who didn't make it to date for the following reason.
He lived in a different city so he insisted on an all-day date (lives about 50 mins away). I said I'm not comfortable subscribing to 8+ hours with someone I hadn't met yet, but he kept insisting I had to make it worth his while to come through. At this point I said I can't see it going anywhere and it was putting me under pressure and that made me feel a little uncomfortable, that realistically, it may not work out so let's just leave it.
So then he says he's gonna book a hotel and come through. Explained that's sweet but it's making me uncomfortable. So he says I can have the bed and he'll be a gentleman and have the sofa... I explained that he seems to have the wrong idea, I'm not going to a hotel with him and I feel uncomfortable, I don't want to meet. He continues to press, saying he is a nice guy, he won't make me do anything if I don't want to. I say I don't want to. I don't want to go to a hotel. I don't want to meet. It's too much pressure, and for someone I've not met, I feel uneasy, thanks, good luck with your search...
But apparently I need to give him a chance. He's willing to come all this way. I say no. He keeps finding new things to message me. Uses my phone number to add my snap chat and says he can see what street I'm on. At this point I start feeling very uneasy. I didn't know I had location on. I block him. He messaged on something else so I say I've got back with my ex. ( I see my ex a lot, we are good friends, he's happy to "have a word") so he starts going on about my ex had his chance and blew it, he is a much nicer guy than my ex, he will treat me like a princess and worship me and my ex has blown it etc etc. I tell him this is my choice. Thanks and goodbye. Please don't try to message me on anything else as it's not appropriate and I've already blocked on 3 things.
Fast forward 4 months and I move cities. I get an Instagram message. It's the nice guy saying he's seen my on bumble in this new city and even though we haven't matched it must not have worked out with my ex. He's using Instagram and can see I'm near the station (Is that even a thing?!) And we should go on that date that I owe him.
Blocked again. Had a friend stay over that night.
4. So much history.
He knew we were meant to be, I just needed to accept it. Lots of backstory and I'll do my best to summarize.
We had gone to elementary and middle school together in Texas and hadn't ever really talked. In 8th grade my family moved states. I turn 16 and he adds me on facebook, no biggie. He starts messaging me and immature me was ecstatic. Until I realized every sweet thing he said was delivered to manipulate me into only talking to him, ignore my friends and family. Only talked for a few weeks and I broke off our chats when he insisted he should visit and was talking marriage at 16. He wouldn't stop harrassing me so I blocked him.
Flash forward and I am now 22 and a familiar name pops up in my inbox. He's changed, he is more mature and not insecure, thinks I was the one that got away. I believe in second chances and tell him we can talk as friends and reconnect. Mistake #1. Decent enough conversations ensue and he does seem to have grown out of his manipulative ways.
Mistake #2. I agree to date long distance. He fears that I'd cheat with anyone thatd look at me, especially with my best friend (24f) that's married. Countless conversations on the matter. He was so good to me, he loved me, didn't understand why I spent so much time with her and my godson (her son) if there wasn't anything going on. Insists he needs to visit for a week.
Mistake #3. My best friend offers to host him so he can save money and be put at ease. That week was the most awkward time to exist. He thought he would parent her son, do her a favor while her husband was at work. I was livid and mortified. He was an nightmare of a guest and any conversation on the matter was my misunderstanding of events. Any arguments were my miscommunication.
I broke up with him on the third day out of the seven he was to be there. He'd wait until 3am to "discuss" things, cry that I just didn't understand how much he cared about me and that as smart as I was he couldn't believe I'd turn him down again. 7am he wakes me up with breakfast he'd picked up using my car. The day was spent with me telling him to take the next flight home while I cleaned up the general mess hed made of the guest room.
He meanwhile spent the time following me and telling me what a mistake I was making, the best man I'd find, how smart and beautiful I was and how we were meant to be. Oh and that I should sleep more, the bags under my eyes were unbecoming. He finally left when best friend's husband came home early at my request, and told him to get a flight out and leave immediately. It was the most cringy "nice guy" experience of my life and the last.
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3. Not so nice on the inside.
Looks aren’t nearly as important to me as chemistry, so I went out with a self-professed nice guy just because I figured he’d be a good friend if nothing else. He convinced me that he loved outdoor activities like I do, that he had experience paddling, hiking, and camping. Found out later that he hates the outdoors, is terrified of insects, and spends 90% of his time online.
I spent year 1 trying to convince him that women are actually autonomous creatures capable of making decisions independently of men. He would make observations like “Women know their shirts are gaping open; it’s their subversive method of getting male attention without owning it.” “Women thrive on drama and tension; you are only speaking to him to get at me.” (Him, being my boss at work.)
I spent the second year angry about how he talked about women. “90% of prisoners are male because women lead them to commit crimes.” “Women cause wars, have you ever heard of Helen of Troy??” “Women don’t like nice guys, they’d rather waste time on bad guys and try to “fix” them.”
I spent years 3-5 perplexed as to why he actively hated outgoing, talkative men, until I realized that I’d been taking care to avoid spending any time with outgoing, talkative men to avoid a sulking session.
By the end of year 5, I realized I was utterly isolated. Realized I’d wasted 5 years of my life attempting to prove that women are as good as men, trustworthy and independent humans who have the same rights to happiness and success as men. I loved him, so figured for years that he’d been horribly wounded and mistreated and deserved to be loved for who he is. Nope. He’s just an insufferable douche who hates everyone and takes out all his bitterness and disenfranchised rage on the one woman who tried to love him.
Year 6 I stumbled across his online ID, which he used to rant and rave against women and jocks. Also found his browser history, which consisted mainly of humiliation videos in which women were choked, cursed, and verbally berated. And I kicked him out. Wasted nearly 7 years of my life trying to love the meanness and bitterness out of a man who was uglier on the inside than he is on the outside. Nice guys. Never again.
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2. Facebook strikes again.
Met a “nice guy” on my college campus. He found me on Facebook (I didn’t even think he knew my last name) and pretty much immediately put it out there that he was madly in love with me. I said thanks, that’s sweet, but I’m really not interested. He seemed to take it well at first, saying that he didn’t expect a relationship or anything, he just had to tell me how he felt. I was surprised by how healthy of a reaction he had had, so I absolutely did not object to a friendship with him. What ensued was over a year of psychological torture.
We were decent friends at first. He had a bad habit of bringing me unsolicited gifts, and he was extremely shy and awkward around me, but we had shared interests so we had a few good conversations. I slowly started becoming uncomfortable with the relationship as he started talking to me with increasing frequency and intensity. He subtly shamed me for not being enthused with all the gifts I didn’t ask for. He started obviously subbing me on Facebook, and trying to make me feel bad for him any way he could.
I addressed this behavior, and said it was unhealthy. I was concerned because he had said that he cared about me more than he cared about himself. I was afraid of how much energy he was putting into me, and how much he was allowing me to affect his life. He pretended to understand and promised to respect my boundaries. However, those were blatant lies. Everything came to a head when he brought food he had asked his sister to make for me to school and I was absent that same day. He sent me some long paragraph about how much trouble he went to and how he had missed his bus trying to get this stuff to me and ran a long way. I had had enough. I went off on him. He had still been subbing me long after he said he would stop, messaging me late at night, and putting tons of pressure on me. I decided to cut off the friendship.
He went insane. He started sending people to apologize for him (yeah, seriously), lurking around me on campus, sending more unwanted gifts, etc. At this point, I was completely done with him. However, he continued to stalk me for the remainder of my time in college. He started attending dance classes I was in that he was not registered for. He did everything he could to be around me, and raged at me for not wanting anything to do with him. He tried to shame me in my academic and social circles. Since he’s such a nerdy guy, nobody thought he could be so toxic. Only two of my teachers believed me. He would try to compliment me and when I ignored him I would get more snide comments. He stalked and harassed me for about eight months. It only stopped when I graduated and he had no way to contact me or find me.
Pixabay
1. Way to teach him a lesson.
I dated a guy once who I met online. Absolute gentleman. We went on several dates and eventually started getting to really know each other better. Which doesn’t usually happen for me in dating. I’m a full time single mom and dating usually falls apart for one of two reasons. Either because of scheduling conflicts or they get impatient with my schedule and decide to just push for nookie as soon as they finally get some time with me. He’d pick me up for lunch while I was at work or take me to dinner if I could and only asked for a kiss when we left each other. Being extremely flexible. Which I appreciated. He was in the middle of a divorce so there was no rush.
I had always wondered what it would be like to date a guy who was a “nice guy”. I always thought the “nice guy” always finishes last was a mean anecdote. But oh man, I see why now.
He was so nice that he was a doormat. Which means he had no boundaries when trying to please others. He was still sharing a home with the woman he was divorcing. For their son's sake. But he was also doing everything. In terms of the house, their son, financially, etc. When I would press him for information regarding when their divorce might be final and he could move out, he would squirm in discomfort. Well, he’d say, I don’t want to upset her. While she’d go out with friends, partying, and finding herself again.
Eventually all of our conversations turned into coaching sessions of how he could stand up to her and make her shoulder some responsibilities for finishing their divorce and selling their house.
I started to resent this and starting pushing more for him to do things for me, so he didn’t have time for her. At my insistence he finally got his own place rather than waiting for their house to sell. I found myself being annoyed at how easily he’d call on his parents to take his son so he could do something with me. I consciously started being more demanding and I didn’t like how it felt to be this way.
I also decided I’d be leaving the state in a year or so.
So I had a talk with him and said that he needed to go find himself with his newfound ability to set some boundaries. And that I had started taking advantage of his kindness and he was allowing it. He said he’d do anything for me to stay and keep telling him what to do. I said I had two kids already and I’d like to be in a relationship with an adult who knows when to stand up for himself. But that I loved him for his kind heart. He thanked me for being honest and teaching him that he’s capable of being loved in a way that makes him feel like a good man. And that he’d be better in his next relationship.
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