Petty Acts of Revenge That Seriously Draw the Line

Petty Acts of Revenge That Seriously Draw the Line


They say that revenge is a dish best served cold, but it can also be fantastic when served white hot, with delicious passion. Here are some truly spectatular true life examples of incredibly petty acts of revenge that taught nasty people a lesson or two.

Like a Bad Penny


Whenever I was at work I would keep an eye on some of the coins I had in my till drawer that weren't "legal tender" in my country. I would then give these to customers who were jerks to me in their change. Muahaha.




I had a drunk guy wake me up and try to fight me one night in a hostel. I was cleaning up in the morning and he was asleep on the couch. I took his flip flops and put them in the lost property. So petty, I know.




When I was 10, we had to paint birds for art, I was pretty good at art but a girl copied my exact one, even though we had to do different ones and I was not pleased.

So while we were cleaning up paint brushes, (the painted birds were placed nearby), I put her painting in the sink with the tap running, pretended it accidentally fell in there and walked away like nothing happened. I think she got the message.


Harsh But Fair


When I was in high school I went on vacation with family and bought my then girlfriend earrings to surprise her with when i got back. I came back to her introducing me to her new boyfriend and me subsequently being kicked to the curb.

2 years later we got to talking over facebook and I initiated a meet up. She told me she had feelings for me again and I responded with "cool, I'm late for dinner, talk to you later." BEST MASHED POTATOES EVER WERE HAD.



Egg McMuffin


I have high school kids that park on my street every school day. Occasionally they will sit out there and smoke cigarettes, which is fine.. They are largely respectful of my property.

I noticed this one kid always threw his McDonalds trash in my yard- I have caught him doing it a few times. Now I egg his car everytime I see trash on the ground. So far, I have done it twice, but haven't seen his car for a few days. Maybe he gave up parking on my street.

Yes, I am 32 and egg a 16 year old kid's car.


Game Over


My brother for some reason HATES using his laptop in his room even though he has a desk. He comes downstairs to sit in the lounge next to my room and games until really late at night with his friends (always talking really loud/yelling into his headset) while I'm trying to work/study/sleep.

He utterly refuses to go to his room when I ask, claiming that he has every right to be there because I "don't own downstairs". He is in a competitive gaming clan, often competing in Tribes: Ascend competitions with cash prizes.

I have written a script that turns the internet off for 5 minutes every 10 minutes. Just enough time for him to get into a game and then have his connection drop and then repeat 10 minutes later. All night.


Down the Drain


At my previous job I worked with a "story topper". You know, she did it way better, cooler, and sooner than everyone else. She even started using my stories. I was very irritated. I started taking a pen or two a week from her desk. Sometimes it was some little doo-dad.

I would casually snatch an item then take it to the mens bathroom where I would put it into a hole near the sink pipes. It sounds stupid, but it made me feel like a rebel. I wish I could be there when they have to repair that sink and find all of her supplies in that wall.


Shower Surprise


One time my brother ate my last popsicle, and I was really annoyed about it so I waited until he was in the shower and took all of the towels out of the bathroom and hid them. He was all wet and there was NOTHING he could do about it. Myeheheheheheh!


Selective Stupidity


I work in retail because I need the health insurance, but a LOT of customers seem to believe I work where I do because I'm an idiot. And the second something like that comes out of their mouths ("could you actually learn how to do your job CORRECTLY!?

Some of us have places to be, y'know, jobs that actually matter.'') I become the stupidest cashier you will EVER have. My idiocy knows no bounds. What's that? You brought in an expired coupon, and when I scan it and tell you it's not valid, I'M the stupid one? Huh. Okay then.

I guess I need to call over a manager to okay every single one of your coupons, you snotty twat. Good thing you weren't in a rus- oh wait, you're gonna be late to your doctor's appointment? That's too bad, because I accidentally just deleted everything I rung up! Gotta start over!

Note: I only do this to customers that insult me first, it's never unprovoked stupidity, and I don't do it if there's a line behind them, it wouldn't be right to mess with innocent shoppers.


Saving the Day with Lawyers


There's a bar at the end of my street, and my mom liked to go there to watch people play pool. She didn't drink, she would just sit there and watch and drink Diet Coke. Apparently, she struck up a conversation with one of the guys one day, and he kissed her on the cheek and then played a great game of pool.

So after that, he'd kiss her on the cheek before he played pool. For some reason, the guy who ran the bar didn't like my mom and banned her from the bar. When I was in college, I was on a road trip and I saw a Canadian bar chain with the same name and logo.

I looked it up when I got home, and sure enough that bar chain had been in business for longer than the bar had been using that name and logo in the US. So I emailed the chain with pictures of the bar and all the info for the bar.

They emailed me back to thank me and forwarded it to the legal department. Six months later, the bar had a new owner and a new name.



Puke Solution


It was my first day back in my 3rd grade class after being out sick for nearly a week with the stomach flu. I started feeling sick during story time after lunch and raised my hand to ask to go to the bathroom, teacher told me to put my hand down, and shushed me when I tried to protest.

Cue this happening 3 more times or so and after the last one I just proceeded to vomit all over the classroom floor, which was carpeted.


That's What Big Brothers Are For


One time at a boy scout meeting (I was probably 10 at the time) my sister was there cause my mom was really involved. We were all playing a game and some kid implied that my sister was inferior cause she was a girl.

Later on that kid was playing foosball and from the other side of the table I rammed one of the rods for operating the little guys into his stomach as hard as I could.


Truly Petty


This guy I considered somewhat of a friend started dating my ex a week after we broke up. Jokes on him because I still haven't accepted his friend request on facebook.


Movie Candy Ain't Cheap


I work in a movie theatre, and anytime some rude parent is being a jerk, I ask loudly if they would like to add any candy to their order, knowing their kids are going to beg them for it.


Windshield Surprise


When my daughter was about 5 months old, I made an excursion to the store to get necessities. I was tired and had my baby with me. I patiently waited for one of those "parent with child" parking spots and acknowledge the mom loading up with a tired smile and wave.

As she pulled her minivan out of her spot this OLD lady in a jaguar whips around me and into the spot. I was beyond infuriated, I just sat there shocked. So I pulled in to another spot and waited. Waited for my daughter to fill up her diaper. I left the old lady a dirty diaper under her windshield wiper.


Thug Life


My teacher was being a total jerk so I switched the caps on all the sharpies. I didn't choose the thug life.



Pizza Party


My former employer is a well known pizza joint that treats its employees terribly. I left and took another job and for a couple years afterwards I will still make large online orders for pickup that I never intend to get.


Spit Attack


This lady was speeding through the parking lot at my apartment and nearly hit some dude walking his dog a little ways up from me. Being the classy gal that I am, when her car zoomed by me, I reared back like a cobra, hawked up the biggest, greenest wad of phlegm and horked it right onto her windshield.

I had gotten into my car to go run errands when she comes flying back around the corner, slams her car in park, and starts advancing screaming, "DID YOU SPIT ON MY CAR?!" Instead of looking incredulous or confused and dissolving the situation, I blew her a kiss...

I drove off with her wailing and chasing me down the street trying to punch my window in. One of my finer moments.


The Worst Pain Imaginable


When I was in preschool, this kid Luke told the teacher I was scribbling while we were drawing. I put legos in his shoes.


When Life Gives You Lemons


I work on a bar, and any customer who is a jerk to me, I fill their glass with ice so they get less drink, or give them a small piece of lemon. Conversely anyone who is nice gets doubles for the price of singles and the largest lemon slices.


Honesty is the Best Revenge


When I was working part time at a grocery store they cheesed me off. 6 months after I stopped work there I was thinking about my treatment during my time at the store and decided to report them for multiple health code and building violations.

Bear in mind that these were not made up allegations, but I am sure that they were shut down for a while because of it.


ID Hunting


I used to work at Subway. We would always have this regular customer come in and complain about every little thing such as "not enough tomatoes on my sandwich", etc.

I knew she was a regular and I knew who she was, but everytime she would come she would only bring in her check book, not her purse.

I, being the model employee, would purposely make her go back out to her car for her driver's license (which she would dig for for ten minutes), and come up with 2 phone numbers while her sandwich got cold.





Ah, this happened just yesterday. I was driving on a side street (speed limit of 40 mph but there are a lot of school zones, so it is frequently 25 mph) and there was a crazy driver coming up behind me, weaving through traffic, speeding, ignoring school zones, and just being a terrible driver, all in all.

I am driving next to a truck, and I look over at him, he nods his head , and I do the same, and when this guy comes up behind us, we go the same speed (the speed limit) until we hit the highway (about 5 miles). The guy behind us was raging in the mirror and weaving back and forth.

Looking back, I feel kinda bad, but we have had a lot of accidents lately, where people are ignoring the school zones and kids have been hit crossing the street. So I don't feel that bad.


Marking Territory


I hated my old room mate with a passion. She constantly tried to get my girlfriend to leave me so they could go out clubbing and meet guys together. She would eat all of the food we purchased, but would flip out if we ever touched anything she had bought.

I wasn't allowed to have my friends over EVER period, but she could bring over whoever she wanted whenever she wanted. She use to think her 10 week old puppy was peeing on her pile of clean clothes. It wasn't the puppy.


This One is Taken


Last night, I went to my boyfriend's for Halloween. He's in student accommodation, and one of the girls on his floor has developed quite the desire for him. She doesn't seem to consider my existence in all this, and quite simply, I wanted to show her that why yes, he does have a girlfriend.

So, even though everyone else was also free, I asked her to take a cute couple-y photo of us in our costumes. To sorta.. drive home the point that he's mine. Not that bad, but still quite petty.


Reverse TP'd


My brother's girlfriend had annoyed me by criticizing some of my life choices and then demanding I apologize to her, so I went to the bathroom while she was over and used all but the last 2 squares of toilet paper when I knew she would be using the toilet soon.

Very petty, and quite possibly the most passive aggressive thing I've ever done.


Odd Flavor


Had a coworker who would eat people's food, even leftovers, out of the work fridge. We put cat droppings in a burrito and he didn't realize something was weird till about 3 bites in.


Going Too Far


I rubber-banded a co-workers desk drawer so it would slam shut when he opened it. I intended to annoy him. I did not intend on breaking his finger. Score for me?


Web of Lies


An ex-friend of mine is a very talented musician and he wanted me to design him a website. So I did just that. I, being what I thought was being a good friend, quoted him $500 for the whole thing PLUS 2 years of free updates.

(Anyone who does any kind of web design for a living, knows that this is basically a gift with a silk bow.)

I paid for all the hosting and the domain up front for 2 years, designed the whole thing and uploaded his website. Then I tried collecting my money and that didn't pan out very well. He kept saying how his shows hadn't done so well or his car had broken down.

After 6 months of trying to collect money and being out roughly $200 that I had put a down for the hosting and domain fees, I finally decided to take his site down. The domain is mine for another 5 years.

He didn't even notice it was down until months later when I got a phone call at 3 am and several threats via text. Once my girlfriend read them, she kind of panicked and made me go to the police to file a harassment complaint.

He tried to contact me about a year ago and apologized for making threats at me and offered to pay me to get his website up and running but, once again, asked if I could do the work up front and he was "good for the money"... Because I hadn't heard that one before... Haven't heard from him since.


Gotta Go Slow


I was working in the customer service booth at my local grocery store. It was my second day on the job alone, and I had JUST opened the booth. One guy comes up and I start helping him put his Western Union order through, it usually takes 5 minutes.

About 45 seconds after I start helping this guy, a woman comes up and IMMEDIATELY starts tapping her foot in impatience. Arms crossed, huffing, sighing, the whole deal. I just glance at her and keep doing my thing. I'm not going to mess up my order just because she's being impatient.

But then she starts being vocal about it. She glances at her watch and says to no one in particular "I'm REALLY in a hurry. Ugh." Then addresses me "Is there SERIOUSLY NO ONE ELSE TO HELP YOU?" I explained that no, it was just me. Mind you it's still just those two in line.

She asks the customer in front of her that I'm already helping if she can just get her business taken care of so she can leave. He just kinda says "Ok, whatever" so she pushes her way in front of him and thrusts her bill in my face.

I take it, set it down, and tell her she can wait until I finish helping the customer who was in front of her. Then again she rambles to no one in particular "I have to be in Parowan by 10! It takes at LEAST an hour! I'm going to be late! Ugh!" I finish with my customer (taking my sweet time) and start her transaction.

Turns out she wanted to pay a bill by check and I had never done it before, so I had to call someone over to help me. She continued to huff and puff while I took as much time as possible. I could have finished her transaction in less than 5 minutes, took at least 8 or 9. I hope she was late.


Sharing is Caring


When I was in high school, there was this guy who had a girl from three grades below that had a massive obsessive crush on him. She would even go with her mom and stalk him at his work place. Everyone in my grade knew about that girl and her obsession.

So one day I overheard that he had changed his number since she would not stop calling and texting him. SO one day he called me something really mean (I can't remember what anymore),

So in the next period I asked one of his closest friends to lend me her phone cause I had forgotten mine at home and I needed to call my mom.

I went to the bathroom, looked for the guy's new number on the cellphone lent to me and texted another friend of mine: "This is the guy's new number, let "crazy girl" have it." I kid you not, when I returned from the bathroom, I sat in my desk and his phone rang.

He picked it up, then he realized it was her, threw his phone in the ground and started cursing and blaming his group of friends. Never had a clue I was the one who did it. I guess it was pretty petty, but I had fun that day.


Totally Deserved


I was eating at a Mexican restaurant with my young cousin who is autistic. She has a hard time going in public, but I was trying to be nice and take her to eat and go see Dolphin Tale (she loves dolphins, like seriously).

There was a table next to us that was on their 2nd or 3rd pitcher for margaritas, and they were being very loud and crude. It was making my little cousin very noticeably uncomfortable, so I walked over to the table and very politely tried to explain the situation.

Before I could even finish, one of them dumped his water all over my feet and went back to talking like I had never been there. I got all mad, but didn't fight back. Before I walked back to my table, I noticed that there wasn't a sober driver in the group.

I left my cousin with my sister, stepped outside, and called my friend in town who is a cop. I explained the situation to him, told him what they were wearing, and got his help. They left the same time we did, and all piled up in a white SUV with the water dumping douchebag as the driver (perfect).

As soon as the car moved in reverse, my friend flew around the corner, put his lights on, and asked the driver to step out. DUI and license suspension for the driver, drunk in public for the rest. Maybe not so petty, but super satisfying.




I used to have to do the family laundry, which meant carrying about 4 big garbage bags of laundry a few blocks to the laundromat every weekend.

Once in a while, if an eye was not constantly kept on the dryer, someone would just dump all of our clothes on the floor and take the dryer that was in use because they did not feel like waiting.

When that happened to my family's laundry, I would throw a piece of fiberglass insulation into the stolen dryer.


Al Gore's Betrayal


When I was in 9th grade, a girl who was a year above and who had once been my friend began to harass me. She'd say mean things about me whenever I was in earshot, write mean things about me on her public blog and send me horrible emails. At one point, her and her sidekick tried to jump me.

I remembered that she had a big crush on Al Gore and I knew that she used Xanga religiously so I tried to log into her Xanga, using Al Gore as the password. Lo and behold, it worked.

I deleted every single entry she had written. She had her account for like two years and when she saw what had happened, she made a long post about how heartbroken she was.


Sugar Rush


Woman came into the frozen yogurt shop where I was working. She let her bratty kid run around. Mildly annoying, more annoying was that she let her kid disrespect and walk all over his grandma who was with them. She was also really rude and talked down to all my staff.

When she went to the bathroom the kid jumped up on the counter and stuck his hand in the toppings. So I gave him an entire cup full of M&M's. When she came back from the bathroom her kid was in a frenzy with the candy.

Boy was she mad, but the little monster went into a complete rage when she took the candy from him. It got so bad and shameful that she had to literally drag him out.


Cash is King


I had a falling out with a housemate and decided to move out. He informed me that he would not take a check for the balance of money I owed him (final months rent, my share of the utilities, etc.). SO I paid him the $300 or so in cash.

A big pile of $1 bills, all crumpled and dumped on his counter during the lunch rush at the deli he owned. Made him count it out and write me a receipt.


Fired for a Steak


I once worked with a woman who accused me of doing something I didn't do, and I got fired for it because she was friends with the manager and the manager took her word over mine.

Ten years later, I went to 7-11 to talk to my friend who was the manager there, and I see that same woman working there. So when my manager friend and I went outside, I told him I'd buy him lunch and a case of beer if he fired her.

A week later, he told me that he wanted to go to dinner at Outback Steakhouse and a case of Labatt because he just fired that woman. Worth it.


Always Tip Your Waitress


Well this was several years ago when I was fresh out of high school. Previous to this day (several years prior) myself and some friends went out for pizza, and our one friend Frankie wouldn't pitch in for a tip. All we asked for was a dollar or two. He was the only one with a job and had a stack of 20's in his wallet.

I let him know I'd remember this and that he'd regret it. Well fast forward, we're at a concert in downtown Columbus, Ohio. It was for the NHL draft and they had a free Yellowcard concert for everyone. It was me, another friend, and Frankie.

Frankie didn't have any money and actually had to "borrow" a two liter of soda for the ride down from our friends house. We decide to go to a restaurant before the show started and ended up trying out BD's for the first time.

We sit down and Frankie so kindly asked if we'd at least buy him a drink because he was very thirsty. Our other friend had barely any money so he had to refuse. Frankie turned to me and with the biggest puppy dog eyes begs me for some money.

"Frankie… Remember a few years back when you wouldn't tip the nice waitress at Pizza Hut? I told you I would. So no, you can't have any money from me. If you wouldn't be such a jerk good things would happen to you. I would have bought you a meal, but no, you brought this upon yourself."

He was pretty mad at us the rest of the day, but I think our friend shared a Gatorade with him after the concert was over. Sweet sweet revenge.


Red Revenge


I work at subway, and if someone is rude to me, I give them the ends of the tomatoes. ha HA!


Nice to Meat You


My apartment neighbors are constantly complaining about supposed noise coming from my apartment. So after hearing enough of their whining I basically forced them to let me come inside and listen to what my music sounded like in their apartment. Turns out you can't hear anything.

So as time goes on I would find small pieces of uncooked meat on my back patio. After the third time, about a week ago, I was mad, so I picked the meat up and threw it on their back patio as hard as I could, hoping it would wake them up. It didn't.

After checking the next day the meat had bounced off the corner of the wall and wrapped itself around their storage room doorknob.

Better luck could not have been possible. Turns out they never go on their patio, and as a result there is putrid one week old rotting meat on their door handle as I type this.


Beer Goggles


I was about 12 when we had our first dog. It was the cutest fluffiest little thing-we named him Sugar. My dad's girlfriend at the time was an alcoholic. Our puppy was only about 10 weeks when she thought it would be a great idea to let it outside without any supervision.

The poor little pup was run over by a car and was killed. She had one job- watch the puppy for 2 hours. No, she wasn't drunk when we left. Our family was devastated, my father even cried. This devil woman then proceeds to tell us she was too drunk and simply forgot the dog was outside.

A few weeks later I was still incredibly upset and angry. I went to the bathroom and noticed she had left her contacts in the bathroom. I opened the case and put soap in the contact lens solution. That morning as she put those contacts on I heard her cry out in pain.

She had irritated eyes for a week. I thought it was a small price to pay for killing my puppy. My father was a little upset but he had no proof of my wrongdoing. I finally disclosed what I had done drunkenly to my father on my 25th birthday.

We laughed and took a shot of tequila. That woman is out of our lives and we couldn't be happier.


Wish You Were Here!


My sister in law is a pretty massive jerk, and she and her husband live far away, so when my husband's family does anything fun, or his parents take us anywhere, I'm always sure to text her about it. I always end it with 'wish you were here!' which is a total lie, but it makes me feel better.


The Dark Knight Rises

Petty-Acts-Revenge-Seriously-Draw-Line-44.jpg.optimal.jpgWarner Bros.

Once upon a time I was waiting for a plane and had gotten there about an hour early and staked out my comfy seat near the charging station. I got up to get some food and asked an elderly gentleman to watch my stuff (which was in the seat for me).

When I came back a woman and her brat were sitting in my seat and my stuff was just thrown on the floor, the elderly gent apologized and said that he said the seat was taken but the woman asserted that couldn't be done. Perturbed, I gathered my stuff and camped out elsewhere.

When the time to board came she went on with her kid and I got into line. Upon seeing where they were sitting on the plane I decided I had an idea.

I sat directly in front of the woman and her son (who was like 6 but for whom she still had not purchased a ticket and had sit in her lap, to the annoyance of her aisle mates) and waited.

Once we had reached cruising altitude I took out my laptop and started watching Batman: The Animated Series. I suspected it would make the kid a tad rambunctious - craning his head over the seat to watch it too - what I did not expect was for him to kick his mother in the face during the endeavor.

Her nose was bleeding for the rest of the flight and one of the flight attendants thought it might be broken.


Milk Switch


I've noticed that the customers that are the biggest jerks are the ones who order skinny lattes or light frapps (I work at Starbucks). On bad days, I'll put whole milk in their drinks.


Beep Beep


When I'm mad at my brother I unplug his alarm clock because I know it's a pain to reset… that'll show him…


Surprise Spice


I give out samples at grocery stores. If someone comes up to me and I say "hi" and they say nothing to me, 9 times out of 10 they will grab something really spicy.

So I don't tell them it's spicy, then when they turn around to look at me with a surprised, flustered look on their face, I just nod and smile devilishly.


Meatball Mischief


One time, when I was about 10, a girl used to pick on me constantly in school. So when we did a cookery class I decided to strike like a pudgy cobra. Every time she looked away from her food, spaghetti and meatballs, I'd eat a meatball. I kept doing this until, on the last meatball, she caught me.

After yelling at me and asking what I was doing, I calmly said "the class should be glad, I saved them from having to eat your terrible food." Then she hit me in the face with a whisk.




When I was VERY little (like, 6yo or something, 29 now) I was at the dinner table with my brother (18 months younger than me) and he said something I didn't like (I can't remember what, it was over 20 years ago now!).

So I reached over, put my hand on the back of his head and rammed his stupid face into his dinner plate, covering his face in beans and tomato sauce. Just remembering it right now is making me crack up, and this particular incident still gets brought up every now and then.


Truly Petty


Normally I always clear the leftover time after I use the microwave but when I'm mad at my husband I don't.


Cleanliness is Next to Godliness


I used to work at Best Buy in Geek Squad and usually the people working the closing shifts had to clean up their departments and such. We had just gotten a new manager who was an outside hire from Circuit City.

He was trying to flex his management powers by being meticulous about cleaning during closing duties asking things like "Did you clean UNDER the registers and Windex and dust etc" about every little thing.

A buddy of mine I was working with and I started our closing duties a little early since the store was pretty dead that night in order to be able to leave at a reasonable hour. We pretty much wrapped up 15 minutes after the store closed so we got the manager to do a walkthrough so we could leave.

He's looking around and everything seems to be in order until he looks behind some signage on a shelf and runs his finger through picking up some dust. He has this evil grin on his face and lets out a little weasely laugh and says "Looks like you guys still have some work to do."

My buddy and I looked at each other and we both just knew what had to be done. We cleaned the entire department top to bottom, inside and out. Every drawer was emptied, dusted, wiped down, brochures organized.

Every computer in the back was moved and the shelves were dusted and wiped, floors were vacuumed twice, top stock was neatly arranged, every inch of the department was gone over with a fine tooth comb, twice in some spots just to take longer.

10pm turned into midnight, everyone else was long gone except for us 3. He was looking weary and tired. Midnight turned into 2am and we were still going at it when he finally came out of the office red eyed and exhausted and said "Guys, let's go." "But we still haven't dusted under the counters and..."

"Its fine, lets go." Buddy and I took our sweet time gathering our things and clocking out. We both were also off the next day and jerk manager had to be in early for a conference call so it made it all that much better.

Every time he was the closing manager after that night he never gave us trouble again, simply asking us if we were ready to go when the store closed. Justice prevails.


That's How It Feels


When I was 18, I went out with a guy who was 10 years older than me. He was still living with his parents and feeding off their estate, but ah well, I fell in love with his eyes. Unfortunately, I got stuck with the whole, horrible package. 

To begin with, he was unbelievably controlling and over-the-top jealous almost the minute we got serious. He also kept invading my every moment.

For example, he found out where I was having dinner with some friends, showed up by “coincidence” to check if there were guys in our company, and then stayed without being invited. At some point, I found out from his friends how he’d bragged that “Hey, an 18-year-old is screwing me”. As in how cool am I?

But I let it all slide because…Well, he was pretty good in bed. This came back to bite me. My interest levels were getting lower and lower by the day, then one night, while in the act, he accidentally slipped and went into the “wrong” place. Full throttle. It was the scream heard around the world.

But somehow, it only got worse. After asking if I was okay (I said, “no”) and waiting 30 seconds, he just kept going. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I spent the next weekend alone with him at his place, and his parents wouldn’t be back until around Sunday afternoon. 

I knew this was my chance for revenge. After breakfast and some relaxing time on Sunday morning, I put on a suggestive smile. I asked, “So, do you want to see how it feels to sleep with an 18-year-old”? I then led him to his parent’s bedroom and pushed him onto their bed.

I gave him my naughtiest look, and he put up little resistance as I tied his legs to the bed; handcuffing him to the railing was even easier. But then I suddenly stopped, got out of bed, and reached into my overnight bag.

Then I grabbed my eyebrow tweezers and got to work down there. He wasn’t a particularly hairy guy, but there was still quite a lot to work with. For every hair I plucked, I gave him a reason why.

It took him a while to realize that the more he swore and cursed at me, the slower I’d pull the hairs out. But by the final few hairs, he was suffering quietly, so I knew he got the point.

Afterward, I got dressed, looked at him lovingly, and told him, “THAT’S how it feels”. Then I left him there for his parents to find.


Could You Take Our Photo?


Last night, I went to my boyfriend’s for Halloween. He’s in student accommodation, and one of the girls on his floor has developed quite a crush on him. She doesn’t seem to consider my existence in all this, and quite simply, I wanted to show her that, why yes, he does have a girlfriend.

So, even though everyone else was also free at the time, I deliberately asked her to take a cute “coupley” photo of us in our costume.

I was just to sorta drive home the point that he’s mine. It was quite petty.


Patience is a Virtue


One time at a Boy Scout meeting (I was probably 10 at the time), my sister tagged along because my mom was really involved in the group. We were all playing a game together when some kid implied that my sister was inferior because she was a girl. I was patient before I got vengeance. 

Later on, while that kid was playing foosball, I rammed one of the rods into his stomach as hard as I could from the other side of the table.


A Shocking Sight


I went to the laundromat, and an older lady was there washing her sheets. There were only three triple-load washers in the whole place, and this lady felt the need to dry each individual sheet in each triple-load dryer for an entire 60 minutes.

There were other people there with at least two weeks’ worth of laundry that could have utilized the space station-sized dryers, too, but she acted totally oblivious to all of them.

So to get her back, I waited for the perfect moment. When she looked in my direction, I bent over to pull my clothes out of the washer and then flashed a FULL MOON about five feet from where she was standing.

I know she saw it because she rushed out quickly afterward. I just pulled up my jeans like it wasn’t a big deal and continued doing my laundry.

God dang, it was satisfying to put that inconsiderate old witch in her place.


Out of the Blue


I used to go to a public high school where the majority of students were low to middle-class Italian-origin kids of immigrants. I was not. It was tough going, to say the least, and I used to get bullied by a guy called Renaldo. Over the years, we had a few scraps, either verbally or fisticuffs.

I was always the type of guy who wouldn’t take other people’s shenanigans. Regardless, even though others balked at giving me a hard time—particularly when I went through puberty and became one of the tallest, largest guys in school—Renaldo somehow always managed to give me a hard time.

But I paid my dues early and learned from a stern father that if people punch you, you punch back harder, and then you’ll know if they are men or not. Then came the twist of fate.

As luck would have it, Renaldo and I went to the same college, and he always managed to still be a little jerk to me. But what made things worse was that we both fell for the same girl, Andrea, who eventually became my girlfriend for over four years.

Everyone knew Renaldo had feelings for her, and it shook him to his core that she was with me and not him.

As the son of a wealthy father who owned his own construction company, Renaldo had nice cars, lots of money, and a bunch of things that I didn’t have…things that I—coming from a low-income family that had problems making ends meet—had to work hard to earn over the years.

So, he’d always try to “seduce” Andrea with random calls and emails. Renaldo was a constant issue, and we had several conflicts during the first year of my relationship with Andrea. Then years later, after college and shortly after I broke up with Andrea, I received an e-mail that shocked me. 

It was from him and it was out of the blue. It was weird because I’d never corresponded with him before online.

In an epic letter that droned on for far too long and using terrible English (no wonder he never finished college and dropped out to work with daddy), he swore at me in excess and basically just told me, “No one liked you in college, so screw off”.

I hadn’t seen him in well over two years, nor did we have any real friends in common. I didn’t want him to have the satisfaction of getting me mad, so to keep my cool, I never responded to his emails (he sent several). But I also couldn’t let his taunting go without any consequences.

So, I went online and Googled his name, and after searching around for a bit, I found just what I needed to exact my revenge. I easily found a complete profile of Renaldo regarding his career, where he worked, and what type of work it was.

His father recently passed, and Renaldo now owned his father’s business and had a team of employees working for him. I spied a bit more and hung onto the address of his place of employment for several weeks while I plotted. Then an idea came to me.

One day, I went into a local adult shop and purchased the largest “toy” I could find. Then I went home, wrote a special note for him, and packaged it all together in a standard box that couldn’t be traced back to me.

I then sent it to Renaldo’s workplace via priority mail, which would require him specifically to sign for it. The note’s message was incredible.

The message read, “Since you have so much time to search out people who never cared about you to begin with, I figured you’d have enough time to go screw yourself with this”!

A few days later, a mutual acquaintance who worked for Renaldo during his “internship” dropped me an email detailing what happened after my package arrived. Apparently, the package arrived while Renaldo and his staff were preparing to head out for a team lunch on a Friday.

He was very excited to open the box because he was expecting that it was something he’d ordered online that would “make it a good weekend”. Then, he opened the box and pulled out…a giant toy. He’d opened it in front of a number of his co-workers. Priceless…


Incredible Burn


This one guy and I got into an argument: He was being a real jerk and pretending to be more intelligent than he really was. So, I signed into an alternate account of mine and went into his post history.

I found a comment a few days old from a small thread in which he said something along the lines of: “It would take a lot of booze for me to sleep with a girl like that”.

I replied, “Meanwhile, she’d have to take a fatal dose before she ever got inebriated enough to sleep with you”. Victory.


Anger Management


I had a work colleague who management brought in. She was effectively given the green light to do whatever she wanted for a large-scale project. It turned into a total nightmare. This chick grew tyrannical from her small bit of authority, and she made people’s lives miserable.

Now, I was effectively the go-to guy for quite a few aspects around the office, so I knew I was safe. However, she absolutely hated my boss, and she tried every trick in the book to make his life awful; she was determined to either get my boss to quit or get me to leave his team.

What she didn’t know, however, was that my partner had recently moved home to Australia, and I had kept it a secret that I was planning to follow after a few months. Life was ticking by, and this freaking she-beast pig dog was driving me up the wall.

My hours were increasing, and the workload was phenomenal. I asked her to bring someone else in for me to train as I needed to take some time off every once in a while, but she always refused my requests in the most passive-aggressive way imaginable.

Anyway, my exit date was set. In the meantime, our projects were starting to come to a head, which would have seen my workload increase to even newer, worse levels. Like, I was pulling 14-hour days already. I pulled the trigger on my plan. 

I went up to my head boss and informed him of my decision to leave and all my reasons for doing so. He offered to get me a visa for my partner and her old job back if I stayed. This helped my ego as I wondered if I was terrible at my job since I was getting so much hate from that woman.

But I refused, saying I’d need to leave in a month and needed two weeks off. He wished me well and understood my reasons. So, I sorted my references and wrapped everything up.

The beauty of this was that my other managers involved in the project hated this witch as well, so when I told them my plan, they were all more than happy to go along with it and play dumb. The payoff was amazing. 

A big meeting took place later that day, and as usual, she went off delegating like a champ to everyone, bossing them around and pushing people’s buttons. Then it came to my turn. I made a point of asking her if there was any scope to get someone in to help since I was slammed.

She gave the usual, dull-toned response of “Go screw yourself”, basically. Okay, no problem. Then she started to outline everything that was going on and all the stuff I’d have to do. The expectations were crazy, and her last sentence was, “So, you’ll have to do all that”.

“No, I don’t think I will”. Her face twisted, and she snarled at me, “What do you mean you won’t do it”? I replied, “As I said. I don’t want to do it, so I won’t. In fact, I quit. I’m moving to Australia in four weeks, and I’m taking two weeks’ holiday before I go. So, screw you”. Her face dropped.

She started scrambling, saying I’d have to train someone. But I had the perfect answer.  I took out a copy of my contract and said my responsibilities were clearly defined, and I would honor them. But because she hadn’t updated my contract and responsibilities, I wasn’t obligated to help her with the rest.

I also showed her the copy of the email I’d just sent to HR showing her responses to my objections to the hours I was working and her refusal to train anyone else. My bosses at the table were losing it, trying not to laugh in her face.

I walked out with one manager getting up to pat my back and possibly tell her to screw herself once or twice more, as this was what she had coming to her. The ending was just as satisfying. All of her projects got ruined, so the other managers were able to crucify her.

She also got hauled up for overworking us and refusing help. But here’s the best part. When the head honcho heard what happened, he came down to actually say to me,

“Well played on telling her to screw herself”. She walked by at that moment and heard him say it to me. The whole office knew what I did, and everyone was delighted someone screwed her over.

I went back to visit at Christmas, and people still came up and said how happy they were I did it.


A Pair of Fools


My husband got back at his brother for something when he was a kid by sitting on his brother’s face while he was asleep (like, with his brother’s nose right up his butt).

Not finished with him yet, he passed gas. Obviously, the brother woke up and chased him around the house. The hilarious part was that he had poop on his nose.


Cheater, Cheater


When I got divorced—my alcoholic wife of 18 years had started another affair, this time with her addictions counsellor—my lawyer and I laid a trap for them. Just in case you don’t know, intimate relations between a counselor and patient are very frowned upon by the regulatory bodies.

And I was more than angry after putting her through rehab ($25k, which I didn’t have to do) only to have her fall back into her old behavior. Shortly before the divorce was finalized, I filed a complaint with the State body licensing health professions.

Knowing they were in some peril because of their unprofessional relationship (I had already gotten him fired from a major teaching hospital), she had backed off her exorbitant demands. I paid her a very modest settlement, kept the house, got custody of the three tweenage kids, plus got child support.

Her lawyer naturally included a clause in the divorce where I had to agree to not say anything negative about her lover and their relationship. But the lawyer messed up and never asked if I had already filed charges and thus didn’t require me to rescind them.

Her lawyer had assumed I was just bad mouthing them to neighbors and friends, and it never occurred to the lawyer that we were doing much more. But we were doing much more.

When the Board of Health Professions responded to my complaint shortly after the divorce was finalized, I told them that it would take a subpoena to get me to testify, since a subpoena trumps an agreement in a divorce settlement.

They were happy to oblige. They stripped his license and placed him on a register of sanctioned health professionals. He never worked again. They were broke in a handful of years and she divorced him when the money ran out.

Oh, and the frosting on the cake was that his wife and I traded notes, notably hotel receipts from the time of their affair, that helped each of us in our respective divorces. In the end, justice was very much served.


Sweet Revenge


My boyfriend and I had met online well over six years ago through an online game by the name of RuneScape. He was 14 and I was 17, but it had felt like we had been friends forever.

We both played the game very often and connected through it, eventually leading us to start a long-distance relationship. Things began to escalate as the years went on and we began seeing each other in person every few months or so.

We were about 1,500 miles apart, so one of our main priorities for the future was moving in together and closing the distance. My job had prevented us from doing that, but we had finally set a date for me to move in with him in December of this year.

Our relationship never had any serious issues and I was more than happy to have him in my life as he was happy to have me. As I got older, I began to play RuneScape less and less, as work took up most of my time. He continued to play regularly, if not more than he had when I first met him.

He could never really hold down a job and barely had an income, but I supported him throughout the years and even paid his rent from across the country after he moved out of his parents’ house a few years ago.

I never really minded it because he was a sweetheart, but we began to have problems. 

In November of last year, I couldn’t help pay his monthly rent. I was short on cash after having to pay my own living expenses alongside car repairs and bills I owed to the state, and I just couldn’t afford to support him at the time.

When I called him one night to discuss it, he freaked out and started crying that he didn’t want to live with his parents again. I tried calming him down and even suggesting that I could help him find a temporary job until I could start providing for him again, but he wasn’t having it.

He claimed his parents would harm him if he returned home, which I know for a fact isn’t true because him and his parents have stayed with me several times. They’ve given him the world. I eventually did calm him down, but he remained passive-aggressive the entire night and we eventually hung up.

Because I cared about him, I reached out to his father the next day and informed him that he would probably be moving back home after his lease expired that month.

I explained how I wouldn’t be able to afford paying for his living for a month or two and if there were any local jobs he could work in order to… y’know, MAKE AN INCOME.

Apparently, a friend of his father needed help managing a small warehouse for his business and was looking to potentially hire my boyfriend for the season. It paid $15/hour and was super easy (lifting boxes, sweeping the floors, and taking inventory).

I brought it up with my boyfriend that same night and he was not having it. Not only did he not want to work in a “stupid warehouse,” but he didn’t want to work at all. All he planned to do day in, day out was play RuneScape.

I brought up a few other job listings I had found in his area and he immediately shot all of them down as well. Then it got ten times worse. He then had the audacity to comment about how he thinks I should work harder and possibly work a second job.

I kept my composure and simply argued against it until we eventually hung up. I collapsed on my bed and cried for a good hour or two afterwards because of the intense emotional stress I was under. Not only do I work eight hours a day, six days a week, I’m also an industrial meteorologist.

If I remember correctly, that’s a lot more work than playing RuneScape every day and using my Hulu account. I really considered breaking up with him right that moment, but I changed my mind and decided to give him another chance. Looking back on it, big mistake.

I messaged him throughout the night and we sort-of made up, but I was still a little uneasy about the entire event. He had moved back with his parents by the time December had come and I began to help him look for jobs while he wasted his life away playing video games.

I eventually persuaded him to start working at a small retail store near his house and he thankfully began to make some money! I would still buy him video games and transfer him money like normal because I spoiled him, and our relationship began to feel somewhat okay again.

Last month, both him and I put our money together to fly him across the US to stay with me for four days. We hadn’t seen each other in person since last summer, so we were both looking forward to it.

He arrived and we had a great time for the first few days because he could actually take me on dates for once with his new income. Everything was perfect…until I caught a glimpse of his phone’s lock screen while he was taking a shower. “When are you gonna leave herrrrr,” the Discord message read.

I could have ran into the bathroom and snapped his neck in that moment, but I kept myself together as best as I could. I had never felt so used, disrespected, or hated in my entire life. When he came out of the bathroom, I gave him a fake smile, but I genuinely hated him from that moment on.

He could have dropped on the floor and I would have spit on him. I spent the remainder of the night watching him play RuneScape and I remained very quiet. He took notice of this and asked me if everything was okay, and I lied and told him I was fine.

When it came time to go to sleep, I let him climb into bed with me and he tried initiating intimacy because it was our final night together. I rejected as politely as I could without tearing his member completely off. He was disappointed, but went out like a light.

Immediately after he went to sleep, I reached over and unplugged his phone and started digging through his messages with that girl. I feared that I had misinterpreted the message I had seen, but I was completely right after all. 

Not only had he been cheating on me, he had been doing so for nearly six months, leading me to believe that he hooked up with another girl directly after I couldn’t pay for his living in November. I scrolled through probably 100,000 messages and wanted to vomit my insides out by the end of it.

He had talked trash about me, claimed I was emotionally mistreating him (just as he had done with his parents), and even sent this girl my intimate photos so they could pick me apart physically. When morning came, I had slept in because of how late I was up reading his messages.

I woke up to find him on my computer playing RuneScape and eating my food. It was like all of our relationship had been wiped from my mind and he was now an evil stranger sitting in my house. I wanted to scream at him, I wanted to tear him apart and kick him out of my house onto the street, but I didn’t.

In fact, I gave him as much love and attention as I could muster that morning because I wanted to leave things feeling normal between us. I dropped him off at the airport and we had a quick and somber goodbye before I left him forever, unbeknownst to him.

I drove back home as calmly as I could before crying my eyes out in a mix of complete anger and emotional pain. I ended up kicking my bed frame so hard that the wood split and I had to buy another one recently. If only it were his face.

I wanted to break his heart by the time he arrived back home, but I wanted it to really hurt. I logged into our joint RuneScape account that we had made several years ago, where him and I would work on training the same account and raising it almost like our “baby.”

We had always joked that if we were to ever split up, he would take half of the account’s bank contents and I would take the rest. So I got him back good. I took my half and transferred it to my main account, before taking his half and giving it away to random people throughout the game.

Every last bit of it. Even items I couldn’t normally trade away, I used a spell to convert the items into coins, which I then gave away as well. The bank was now empty. And then another idea came to mind.

It then occurred to me that the credentials to his main account were written down in my desk, as he would frequently have me train his Farming skill every so often. I didn’t hesitate at all and logged into his precious 14-year-old RuneScape account.

I immediately took all of the contents of his bank and sold it all on the Grand Exchange, a marketplace in the game. It took an extremely long time to clear out his bank, but he would still be flying home for about another four hours so I had plenty of time.

By the time I had sold/destroyed everything, I had four stacks of coins totaling over 8.5 billion. Now what to spend it on, hmm…I wanted to waste his “life earnings” on the most useless, stupid thing I could think of, besides him.

I logged back into my main account to reach out to a friend of mine who collects massive stacks of burnt food. For the unaware, burnt food in RuneScape has no use. You can’t “unburn” them, eat them, or even sell them on the Grand Exchange. They are, however, tradable amongst players.

I’ve always poked fun at this guy for collecting burnt food, but I was now more thankful than ever to make his acquaintance in my revenge. I asked him what the most obscure, unwanted item of the burnt food variety was and he replied “Burnt spider.”

Lo and behold, he had roughly 6,000 of the item “Spider on shaft (burnt)” in his bank that he was willing to sell me. Feeling generous with my ex-boyfriend’s coins, I gave my friend a full stack of 2.147 billion coins and left a very happy customer.

I dropped the 6,083 burnt spiders in his bank, but still had about 6 billion coins left to spend. With the remaining money, I decided to treat myself. I went onto the Grand Exchange and ended up going on a shopping spree! The first thing I bought were 100 bonds.

If you’re not familiar, a bond in RuneScape grants you 14 days of in-game Membership. After trading all 100 bonds to my account, I now have almost four years of Membership paid for me.

I spent a majority of his coins on extremely nice armor, all of which went straight into my account. He still had about an extra billion, so I spent it on the supplies I needed to level up an expensive skill of mine.

By the end of the afternoon, he was left with a measly 150,000 coins in his bank, all of which I gave away to a guy cooking pizzas outside of the Exchange. Nothing was left, so I decided to pick up a pile of bones off the ground and leave it solely in his bank. It might sound petty, but I laughed for a while.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. This is so cruel, you ruined the tens of thousands of hours he had put into a game! Well, it was time he learned that I can be a witch, and a MEAN witch.

On top of spending every last coin he had ever made, I levelled his Defense skill. This may not sound bad; in fact, it sounds like a good thing! I helped his account progress, right? Well, no.

Unfortunately for my ex, he had what players commonly refer to as a “pure” account: meaning he never, EVER dared to level his Defense skill from Level 1, in order to keep the lowest defense stats but have high offensive stats. Well, not anymore. Have fun with your permanent Level 6 Defense.

Cycling through hundreds of possible forms of revenge in my head, I then settled on getting rid of his house. It’s quite an achievement in RuneScape to have a nice house of your own. In fact, he had one of the nicest I had ever seen in the game.

In order to have built it, he must have spent well over a few billion coins. Too bad I had disassembled it all in a matter of minutes, deleting it all into cyberspace. And there’s no insurance either, he’s going to have to re-buy everything with his non-existent money if he wants a new house. Bye bye, Casa de cheater.

Scrolling through his friends list, I decided to act as him and pay a visit to his friends who were currently online and admit that I had cheated on my girlfriend and was fully proud of it. If his friends hadn’t removed him by that point, I removed them. All of them.

Lastly, to add a beautiful little cherry to this revenge-filled cake. I changed his username. You’re able to change your username once a month on RuneScape, so I changed his to let everybody know that he’s a dirty cheater.

I obviously won’t drop his username here, but I did the best I could to embarrass him with a 12 character limit. He should be able to reclaim his previous username in about three weeks, but if he waits too long, I’ll be able to swipe it and slap it on a throwaway account of my own forever.

He sent me a very hateful and aggressive message later that night, followed by pictures of him crying.

I wrote him a sincere message officially ending the relationship, while also scaring him away by threatening to “take him to court” over sharing my intimate photos possibly filing a cease-and-desist if he were to contact me any time soon.

I don’t plan on doing any of that, I just don’t want to speak to him ever again.


Fool's Gold


I work for a construction company and we do remodeling on homes. We have a rule here that we get to keep anything we find hidden behind the walls. We hired this guy (we really needed a worker badly) who was a total jerk from day one.

I’ve been working for this company for five years and this guy has only been doing construction for one year after he got fired from his accounting job. Anyways, he would always make fun of my clothes and my accent, and one day he went too far by telling my boss about my private Instagram account pictures.

He got on my phone and looked through my Instagram page and showed my boss pictures of me with weed. Joke’s on him; my boss is my friend from eight years ago and this wasn’t a surprise to him.

Still, I was so mad that he violated my privacy—so I made a plan to screw him right over. He was the kind of guy who would always come in late and complain that trains or traffic is why he was always late.

One day, I overheard him saying that if he won the lottery he would quit this job for not getting the “respect” he deserves. You know, because you have to earn your respect here. So a few days later, I bought some fake gold coins online and put them in a metal box I found at the antique store.

Then I waited for a chance to hide it in a wall. Luckily, I did not have to wait long. The day he found the coins, it seemed like it was his best day ever. The first thing he did when he opened the box was call my boss a loser and quit immediately on the spot.

He said, “screw this place, I’m rich.” Little did he know, that was the best day of my life. After he quit, my boss told us that he was going to fire him anyways for always showing up late…I wish I could see the look on his face when he finds out the gold coins are fake. Best $40 I spent in my entire life.


Priority Boarding

resizeGettyImages-910511090.jpg.optimal.jpgGetty Images

I am 5’4″ male who looks less muscular than I am. I was in line for priority boarding and it had just started when the woman behind me said “Excuse me, this is for priority boarding.

You need to wait with everyone else.” I ignored her and presented my boarding pass with my active duty ID. My only revenge was when the attendant said “thank you for your service.”

I turned to the woman behind me, grinned, and said “thanks!” Before boarding.


Human Garbage


Several years ago, I lived in the northwest coast of Puerto Rico. It’s a very relaxed area, with tons of good restaurants and lots of green space. My apartment was on a cliff, not far from the water.

The electric infrastructure was a bit old, so when it was rainy season, we’d lose power for a few hours at a time. Not a big deal—I had a gasoline generator.

Enter a new neighbor. He lived two doors down from me, and drove an amazing custom Chevy van from the 70s. All it needed was an epic airbrushed Wizard on the side. Sadly though, that’s where anything good about him ended.

I caught him taking the gas out of an orange jug I’d leave outside in case the generator ran out. Although I saw him do it, and called him out on it, he denied it and played stupid.

So after the second time, I took all of the gas in the jug, filled the generator with it, and put the rest in my car. I then went to the nearest gas station that had diesel and filled it up with diesel. A few days later, I am woken up by a tow truck backing up to pick up his now disabled van.

I looked out the window and you could see the anger on his face. He moved out the next month, and from what I gathered from talking to people in the community, he was a general piece of trash human and what happened to him was deserved.


Like a Kid in a Candy Store

resizeOreo_cookies-2048x1536-1.jpg.optimal.jpgWikimedia Commons

A couple things about me that made it really suck to have a food thief: I have a lot of food allergies, so I can’t just get lunch at the cafeteria or at a nearby restaurant. I have a new baby, who I’m breastfeeding, and who I pump for when I’m at work. You know how hungry pregnant people are?

Yeah, the caloric requirement for breastfeeding is 100-200 calories higher. I am always hungry. Because I have a new baby, half the time I don’t manage to show up at work with a lunch. I either run out of time to pack one, or if I did remember, I leave it on the counter.

My solution to all of this was to leave lots of non-perishable snacks in my office. And also a lot of candy, because I also have a three-year-old and therefore work is the only place I can shovel Skittles into my mouth without a little hand extending into my field of vision and a little voice saying “pwease?”

These were snacks that were specifically free of my allergens. Some were also specialty foods because of this. The type of specialty food that just doesn’t taste as good as food that contains the allergen, and also costs twice as much. Because I’m not getting a lot of sleep right now, I deserve nice things.

So, because I’m not getting a lot of sleep right now, when I first came back from maternity leave, assembled my snack hoard, and started having things go missing, I genuinely thought I was just losing my mind. Boxes of candy were running out faster than I thought I was eating them.

I’d come in in the morning and things wouldn’t be where I’d left them. At one point, I brought a bag of chips to work, folded the rim of the bag down so I wasn’t plunging my arm elbow-deep into a grease pit, and then put a bag clip on it when I went home.

When I came in the next morning the bag was unrolled and re-clipped. I went “Wow, I must be more tired than I thought,” rolled the bag back down, and the next morning it was unrolled again. Just little things like that, almost every day, that made me go “Wow, the post-baby brain is worse than I thought!” 

And then. And then! Then I got the flu. I got sick, and I was out for a whole week. Left behind at the office was an almost-full box of Enjoy Life cookies, which are not enjoyable but are free of all major allergens, and are also $5 a box for, like, 12 sad little sand pies with some cinnamon on top.

I ate one row of these cookies, and then I was out of the office for a week. For one week, I was not eating any of my snack hoard. But someone else was. Because I came back to work, opened my box of cookies, and found one. There was one single, solitary cookie left.

And, on further examination, the one box of candy that had been opened was nowhere to be found, and on top of that the thief had done me the courtesy of opening a new box for me, except that they actually followed the “push here to open” instructions instead of just ripping one end of the box open like I do.

The combination of these two things—the sheer freaking audacity it takes to open a new box so you can continue taking from someone, on top of the consumption of almost a whole box specialty cookies that aren’t even GOOD

Enraged me enough that, after going to my boss and getting some vague promises about checking if the security cameras in my wing of the building are functional or not (what??) I went straight to Amazon and ordered myself a nanny cam.

Not for my baby. For my snack hoard. Conveniently, it arrived the day before Valentine’s day. I set it up on top of a file cabinet looking down at my desk. On the desk, I laid out a fantastic spread of snacks. I got all my thief’s favorites, and then I took it one step further. 

I bought myself a Valentine heart, broke the seal to make it more inviting, and left it out on my desk. The next morning, I came in to some very obvious snack carnage. My thief had slowly been getting more brazen (again, who OPENS a new box of something??

And opens it DIFFERENTLY than the person they are taking from??) but this was just on another level. Individually wrapped things had been dumped out of their boxes. Bits of packaging had been thrown away. And, yup; they’d eaten some of the Valentine candy.

For shame, office thief! Don’t you know that’s from someone who loves me?? I played back the video. All was quiet throughout most of the evening, and I was just watching the shadows lengthen as the sun slowly set through the hallway window. And then! Shortly before midnight! The night janitor arrived! 

And went right ahead and took a 12-minute break in my office, sitting in my chair, eating my food. I started taking screenshots. I got him shoveling candy into his mouth with full palm-to-lips intensity. Pouring things out onto the desk to pick his favorite flavors.

Not even bothering to put them back where he found them. And yes. Eating my Valentine’s candy. Screenshots went directly to my boss in an email. I went directly to my boss’s door to hover and grin and ask if he’d read my email.

And I got assurances of a strongly worded email to the cleaning company and the barring of this particular employee from our place of business. I was also, tactfully, asked to please take my unauthorized spy camera home, which I did. I thought this was over, but it wasn’t. 

One day, the girl who works the concession stand dropped by to thank me. Apparently the food thief would start his shift just as she was closing down for the night, and would try to get free coffee in that “creepy guy” way. And then one of the reception staff came by with the same sentiments.

I’d never met the guy face-to-face, but apparently, as a woman, it was not a fun experience to have. I’d shown my screenshots to a few co-workers and word had spread fast. I worked an earlier shift, so I didn’t recognize him, but people whose shifts overlapped with his did.

I hadn’t told my husband about what I’d done because when I came home raging about the blatant theft that had gone on while I’d been sick, his only response had been “You really shouldn’t be leaving food at work, then.”

But, when I came home with the nanny cam and explained where and why I’d gotten it, his reaction surprised me. “You know, I think this is the first time I’ve seen you stand up for yourself. I’m proud of you.” Y’know what? I’m proud of me too!


Paying For Damages


We don’t own a car and live at the end of a cul-de-sac, and I have people use my driveway all the time to turn around. It’s not a huge deal to me, a little annoying when they compact the snow and it’s harder to shovel, but whatever. One of my neighbors had a ride service come pick up their child every day.

The van would park in my spot and begin honking at like 8 am (I worked nights at the time). Half the time he’d be half parked on my grass.

I told my neighbor that I don’t overly mind my spot being used, but not if the guy is going to honk like that every morning and especially not if he’s going to drive over what little lawn I have every time. She spoke with him, he ignored it.

I spoke with him and got “what’s your problem man, it’s not like you’re using it.” To which I repeated that I don’t mind him using it if he stays off my grass and doesn’t honk every morning.

Apparently suggesting he wait until the kid notices he’s there or, god forbid, he have to drag his butt out of the car to knock on a door was just ridiculous and inhumane of me. So I left a recycle bin at the foot of my driveway. He just ran over it.

I called the dispatch for the ride service and was told they are sub contractors and technically self-employed but they will pass along the message. I wake up the next day to pounding on my door. Dude is ANGRY. Him: “How dare you call my boss you stupid piece of trash! What is wrong with you?

Me: “Well it’s quite simple, you were told not to use my driveway if you were going drive on my lawn and wake me up every morning. Now get off my doorstep.” Him: “I’ll sue you if I lose my job because of you.” Me: “You’ve been warned. Don’t trespass on my driveway or property again!”

Dude storms off in a huff spouting curses. So this happened on a Thursday, the kids had a PD day the next day, and it’s supposed to be one of those delightful Canadian weekends where it drops to like -40 Celsius.

For my American friends, -40 is where Celsius and Fahrenheit meet up, so it’s freaking cold.

So that night, I grabbed one of my more beat up plastic garbage bins, made sure to plug all the holes with a generous amount of duct tape, stuck a sign on it that read, “private property, driveway not for public use” and proceeded to fill it to the brim with water.

Now, before anyone thinks I’m a jerk willing to potentially endanger the other kids in the car, I’d like to point out that my neighbor’s kid is the first to be picked up, so it’s just him in the car.

Queue Monday morning. He sees the garbage can, backs up a bit more, and defiantly charges the can as if to teach me a lesson. He then proceeds to cause some pretty serious damage to the front end of his car.

Dude gets out fuming, calls the authorities and comes pounding on my door, screaming about how I’m going to buy him a new car and that I’m about to go to the slammer.

Officer: “So let me make sure I understand this situation. He asked you not to park here if you couldn’t refrain from honking, then warned you not to park here and put up a barrier.

Now you expect him to be charged and pay for damages you caused yourself to your vehicle in an attempt to destroy his own personal property?” I will never forget the look on his face when the officer said, “Yeah, that’s not how this works.”

He then turned to me and asked if I wanted to pursue charges for him damaging my personal property. I just gave him the biggest grin I could muster and said, “Nah, I think we’re good.”

I then went back inside to enjoy a morning coffee while watching him from my kitchen window as he paced back and forth in the cold waiting for a tow truck and having to call the company he worked for to explain why they needed to send out another driver to complete his route.


He'll Pay For What He Did


So, my daughter, who was about eight at the time, was REALLY into Minecraft, as most kids are these days.

She was also desperately wanting to join the YouTube/Let’s Play culture, so I had installed some screen recording software that would let her make videos of the games she was playing so she could later upload them to YouTube.

Anyways, one day I’m minding my own business when I hear her quietly sniffling over on the computer. I asked her what was wrong, but she didn’t want to tell me so I let it go, but decided to keep on eye on her. A few minutes later I discovered what was happening. 

Someone was harassing not only her, but also all the other kids playing on whatever server she was on.

This kid was saying stuff about how he was going to harm my eight-year-old daughter (she told him how old she was hoping he would stop), how he was going to hack into her IP and take her information, swearing profusely (remember, this is a game for kids), etc etc.

By this time I had gotten my fiancée involved, and she was also obviously quite upset at what this kid was doing. We then realized that our daughter had been recording the entire incident, and a plan began to form. I started by googling the kid’s username.

There were several hits immediately, the most interesting of which involved a page where he was publicly applying to be a mod for a server on Minecraft. I was able to learn a lot about this little idiot. He claimed to be 15, likes hockey, used to live in Toronto but now lives in Florida.

But the bombshell was easily his Skype contact info; it was literally firstname.lastname. I know your name now, you jerk. So I head over to Facebook and search for the name. Nothing. Hmmmm. On a hunch, I searched for just the last name, while narrowing my results to only the state of Florida.

Several dozen hits. Hmmm. So I have to start combing through each one, until I find what I was looking for: A middle-aged man with the same last name, whose profile indicates he was born in Toronto and now lives in Florida. I FOUND YOUR DAD, YOU LITTLE JERK.

So I sent him a message on Facebook, asking if he had a son named firstname who goes by his username on Minecraft. Dad confirmed I had the right guy. So my fiancée begins telling the dad everything that his son was saying to my daughter, and we sent him the recorded video as proof.

Radio silence for a few days. Then we got the message back. This jerk had his computer taken away from him for the entire summer. He had also been lying about his age; he was only 11, I think.

His parents were livid with him, and he surely hated the next few months of his life. No one screws with my daughter.


Come Fly With Me


About six or seven months ago, my neighbor got a drone. I don’t mind people having hobbies, but for some reason he insisted on flying like the biggest jerk possible.

He would hover in front of other houses and windows, try to “race” cars going down the road, and worst of all he had a habit of flying his drone in my fenced backyard. He would start buzzing over my dog, diving low just over my dog’s head before circling around to do it again.

My dog isn’t small, he’s about 70lbs and a Malamute, but the drone terrified him, and I was worried what would happen if it hit him. I asked my neighbor several times to please not fly in my yard and explained that it was scaring my dog. His answer made my blood boil.

He basically told me to get lost and laughed in my face. When it still continued, I called the authorities. Unfortunately, there wasn’t much they could do other than ask him to please not fly over my house and property.

Finally, in late December it happened—my dog got tired of his torments and managed to catch the drone right as it was diving towards him. He shredded the drone, and the thing was just a jumbled mess of wires and plastic. Neighbor was ANGRY.

He stormed over to my house swearing and threatening me, which I ignored. A week later, I got a summons to small claims court. He wanted $900 for the cost of his drone and an additional $300 for supposedly denying him access to his property.

See, the drone sat in my yard for a couple hours before it was retrieved. Screw that. He could have hurt my dog. I don’t have kids or a girlfriend, I just have my dog who is my best friend for the past seven years.

That dog has moved with me three times, was there when I graduated college, saw me buy my first house and my first new car. I love my dog. But turns out, him suing me was the best thing to ever happen. 

When we got to small claims court, the judge basically laughed away his claims that I had intentionally trained my dog to attack his drone. But little did he know I was prepared. I had dozens of photos of my yard showing it was impossible for him to “accidentally” fly that low to my dog.

I also had videos of him harassing my dog in the past, and I had saved all my medical bills from taking my dog to the vet. $700 for an X-ray? Check. Another $250 to sedate him during? Why not, don’t want him being uncomfortable. Full dental exam with tooth cleaning/repair? $400.

Then there was the cost of anti-anxiety meds and a secondary check-up, wet food for a week in case his teeth were hurt, and extra just for good measure.

In the end, the jerk ended up owing me almost $2,000, and now is being investigated by the FAA for not having a registered drone and violating several regulations concerning drone flight, too near an airport, too close to other people, out of sight of operator, and waaay above the maximum altitude.

Enjoy never being allowed to fly drones again, buddy.


Turn Up the Music


Flashback to 2014… or so. I moved out on my own in 2013 and moved into an old house converted into a two-floor apartment, directly across from my future in-laws. The downstairs neighbors were loud.

BLARING music at all hours (yes, all of the hours), wouldn’t cut the grass or take out the trash on our shared schedule. Crappy neighbors, but never bothered me directly. The guy was pretty chill when sober and would turn the music down a little when I texted him. He was okay until his girlfriend moved in.

Now add shouting matches to the mix, and all of the sudden my requests to turn down the music makes him turn it up. I can barely walk on my super-thin floor without her banging on the ceiling with a broom. I was okay since I am heavy sleeper and could sleep through anything.

My wife moved in, and I quickly found out that she is quite the opposite. Fan on turned at a certain angle in the doorway of the bathroom, door closed half way, blackout curtains with them taped to the wall so zero light comes through, zero sounds other than the fan, you get the idea.

I told her that we can’t expect them to remain silent when she’s ready for bed, we need to be reasonable, but the wall rattling music needs to stop during the night. She hated it during the day, but I told her there’s nothing we can do then, so she would go to her parent’s house a lot during the day.

I talked to neighbor-guy, and he said “yeah man that’s cool,” but it turns out the girlfriend wasn’t having it and his attitude then changed to, “Yeah well it’s our house so you can go screw yourself if you think you can tell us what to do and you can move out if you don’t like it.”

Something definitely had to change at some point. So I did the only thing I could do. I fought fire with fire, and maliciously complied with the law to the T. I could only report them for noise after 11:00 PM. I now forget the morning hour when the noise could start, but I believe it was 9:00 AM.

My dad has these huge old concert speakers in his garage. Professional grade, black leather bound, 5 feet tall and 3 feet wide, and a pretty nice, vintage stereo/amp. He has two, but my apartment was so small I sadly only had room for one.

We replaced our coffee table with this thing, laid face down onto our thin, office carpet. Tired of his tunes, I tested this Geneva Convention-breaking device when they weren’t home. Holy cow.

I had to take everything down from tables, counters and shelves because they would shake off. I prepared audio files to feed the stereo. I was giddy like a kid with a new Christmas toy. I turned it on when I left for work and got my wife up to send her to her parents.

I came home from work and hung out at her parents until it was close to bed time. They resisted for three days. On day two, I found a pile of manure on my doorstep, but it didn’t faze me.

I cycled between sine/saw/square waves in clashing chords, marching music (Washington Post March on loop), preaching clips (they weren’t just atheist, but outspoken anti-Christian, so it was a must), the most stupid songs you could think of (Captain Planet theme song, Chicken dance, etc).

This poor old house rattled in ways I didn’t think possible. The vibrations from the sine wave would make your vision blur. I eventually got a text from him that read, “sorry man you can stop now.” I did not. He needed a few more days to let it sink in. Plus I had so much fun putting it together.

They complained to the authorities and the landlord. There was nothing they could do since I wasn’t doing anything wrong. I didn’t even hear music during the time of peace to follow. It was so quiet. They would build up their courage and try again every few weeks when I wasn’t home, but my wife was.

I then showed her how to tame the beast so she could let it loose while I was away. I had to give them a spanking every now and then, but they learned. They were so happy when we moved out.


Bright Idea


I live in an apartment building that has end-to-end parking for two spaces per apartment, and access to the parking levels (1-5) are done via a locked automatic roller door, which people can only get through if they have a remote for it (or sneak through behind someone else).

I only have a single car, and sometimes I let my friends park in the space in front of my car if they give me notice, so I generally park at the back of the double space. Earlier this year, a random car began parking in front of mine on Friday afternoons, meaning I couldn’t go out with my car on Friday nights.

Annoying, but not the biggest issue when you live super close to the city. This continued nearly every week over about five weeks when I didn’t park my car at the front of the bay (which I began doing), but times I planned to leave the space free for friends coming over or whatever, the car appeared again.

I made repeated attempts to stop this behavior by leaving notes, which escalated into leaving print outs of a photo of the car with the license plate clearly visible and an explanation that if it happened again I’d press charges and/or have the vehicle towed.

Well, it happened again, and this time it was still there Saturday afternoon when I had been planning on going away with a group of my friends. My guess is, someone went out on Friday and decided to pick up the car “later,,” not concerning themselves with the inconvenience it caused anyone else.

It clearly hadn’t moved, as my aggressive note telling them to screw off was still there sitting limply under their wiper blades. I figured enough was enough, it was time to have the vehicle towed.

I called building management and eventually calling a towing company, who refused to help because the space was on the third floor, and they can’t get any trucks up to that level because of the height and space restrictions.

Ordinarily, most people would be pretty much screwed at this point, and I will admit I briefly considered sitting on the hood of the car until the jerk came to pick it up while sending my friends on their way without me, but they would have had to work out a new arrangement for transport as one car wouldn’t have cut it.

Fortunately for me however, my parents only live 30 minutes away, and have a garage where I work on one of my cars that’s getting at the tail end of a minor restoration.

One of the things I use pretty often is a set of Vehicle Positioning Jacks, to jam my project car right up against the wall of the garage to minimize the space it takes up. 

For anyone that doesn’t know, Vehicle Positioning Jacks are basically devices that slot under each wheel, then lift the car up on hydraulics so you can free wheel it in any direction. While I hadn’t originally gone to retrieve them, when I had to take my project car off them, a bright idea came to my head. 

None of my friends minded spending an extra hour to screw someone over that had interfered with us, so we grabbed the jacks, and went back, propped the car up, and wheeled it out.

Six guys can easily move around a small hatchback, so we pushed across the level slowly and carefully, to an area where there isn’t parking, but is a load-supporting pillar with space enough for a car behind it, in a little section of the garage where it isn’t lit, and is completely out of the way.

Typically there’s a guy on my level that parks a motor bike there, but he isn’t meant to, and I doubted he minded. We dumped it between the pillar and the wall, with the nose pointing towards the wall, I took back my angry note, the jacks, and we left to enjoy our weekend.

When he came back Monday afternoon after the long weekend, the car was still there, which was no real surprise considering there was only about a foot of space for movement between the pillar and car, and another foot or so between the car and the wall.

From the fact the front wheels had changed, we’re guessing they did try to get it out, unsuccessfully. It eventually went later in the week, though I’m not exactly sure how they managed it. I never saw that car again.


Revenge is Best Served Hot

resizeflickr18084-1548386434175-1536x1025-1.jpg.optimal.jpgFlickr / Richard Elzey / CC 2.0

About three years ago, I was working in a pretty big factory. They hired through five different temp services, so the place was pretty much like a revolving door. People came and left without any warning, and sometimes it was hard just to find a familiar face.

So when someone started taking my lunches, everyone became a suspect. I fell victim to the Lunch Box Bandit for a week straight, I’m talking about six 12-hour days with no lunch.

Needless to say, the frustration spawned several evil plans, but I felt the Carolina Reaper would give me the fastest and most effective results. All I know was people where gonna think twice before taking lunches. I spent all night making the best steak fajitas for lunch the next day.

I finally minced the Reaper peppers into a nice pico de gallo, and topped my devil fajitas off. I carefully placed my fajitas into a Tupperware bowl, garnished them with cilantro and limes, then covered them with a clear lid to display their beauty.

The next morning, about an hour after I placed them in the fridge, a woman started screaming for help. I ran to the lunchroom to find the Lunch Box Bandit laying on the floor gasping for air.

The Reaper peppers triggered an asthma attack, and he had to be rushed to the hospital. He never said anything, and neither did I, until now.


Art and Betrayal


My journey began as a passionate artist with a love for painting. I remember every stroke of the brush on the canvas, every color mixed and merged, every feeling that I poured onto the canvas. My art was more than just paintings; they were pieces of my soul. I enjoyed the satisfaction of creating something beautiful, unique, and deeply personal.

One day, I decided to visit an art exhibit in town, excited to soak in the creativity of other artists and get inspired. As I walked through the exhibit, a particular piece caught my eye. The use of colors, the design, the idea - it all seemed eerily familiar. As I moved closer to examine the art, realization washed over me. I was shocked and exclaimed, 'Wait a minute... THAT'S MINE!!'

My initial disbelief gave way to anger and betrayal. My eyes darted to the corner of the painting where the artist's name was written, and my heart sank even further - it was my ex. She had copied my art, presenting it as her own. She took my creativity, my passion, my identity and used it for her benefit. The betrayal stung more because it came from someone I once loved and trusted.

My heart was boiling with rage, but I knew I couldn't let my anger cloud my judgement. I decided to take matters into my own hands and planned my petty revenge. I went home, grabbed a blank canvas, and started painting. I created an artwork that was deceptive, a trap set specifically for her.

Once the painting was ready, I packaged it and sent it to her with a note. The note read, 'Since you like copying so much, I know you'll enjoy this gift. xoxo.' The painting was a trap. Hidden within it were specific elements that, if copied, would reveal the truth behind her 'creativity.'

Three days later, I woke up to my phone buzzing incessantly. I looked at my screen and saw 58 unread messages from her. 'Take everything back! Just don't expose me!' her texts pleaded. My revenge had worked.

But as sweet as revenge can sometimes feel, I couldn't help but feel a sense of loss. The love we once shared had turned into deception and betrayal. The woman I once admired was now someone I couldn't recognize. The world of art, once a refuge, was now tainted with the bitter taste of betrayal. In the end, we both lost - I lost my faith in her, and she lost her integrity.

Payback is a Package


Ten years after the pomp and circumstance of our graduation ceremony, I received an unexpected message from my high school tormentor. The name was all too familiar, the sneer in his words brought back unpleasant memories. He wrote, 'Saw you yesterday at the mall. You still look like a LOSER!' I had to admit, I smirked. A flame of righteous anger flared up, and I knew it was time. My revenge was long OVERDUE, but it was about to be TOTALLY WORTH IT! The gears started turning, and I quickly sent him a package at his office with a note inside. It read, 'Since you enjoy tracking me down, you'll certainly enjoy my gift. ;)'

Two days later, there it was, his face plastered on the evening news, a picture of shock and horror painted across his features. The report narrated a bizarre meltdown in his office after he received an unexpected package. The package, a beautiful framed collage of all his embarrassing photos, failures and unpleasant rumors from high school, anonymously donated to his office, had made rounds among his coworkers before he'd even opened it. The truth of his past and the public spectacle he had become was too much for the bully to handle. His meltdown was a fitting testament to the adage - Karma always comes back around.