We all know that people are predisposed to saying stupid things. Still, it's one thing to see rampant stupidity on Twitter and another to hear it from the mouth of the person you sleep next to.
It's not your fault. You met someone who made you feel special, you had some things in common, and you hit it off. You probably didn't start heavy on things like their politics, weird quirks, or completely illogical beliefs.
But one day, they said something that completely changed your perception of them. That was the feeling these Redditors had when they realized they were dating an idiot. Try to maintain your faith in humanity, and hey, at least it wasn't you!
50. 'R' Is For 'Racing'
There are a lot more, but the one I loved the most was every day she would put her car in neutral and push it out of her parking spot. I just assumed her shifter was messed up or she had a bad transmission but didn't want to replace it since the car was like five-to-six years old at the time. One day I had to drive her home because she hurt her ankle and without even thinking about it, put the car in reverse, and she screamed at me when I put the car in "racing" to back it up. She seriously didn't know her card had reverse and for the three years she'd been driving it, had manually backed it up every single time.
49. Just Like Unicorns!
We were watching Django, and during the winter training montage, there is a moment where the camera pans over a herd of reindeer. At that moment, my ex said something about how she thought it was weird that they would include reindeer in the movie because it kind of breaks the immersion. I was confused and asked what she meant by that. She went on to explain to me how reindeer weren't real animals and just make-believe, like characters in a fairy tale (such as Rudolph and the rest of Santa's reindeer).
48. Kids These Days
When she flipped out because her third grader came home with "erect" on a spelling list, and was on the verge of calling the school. She honestly had lived her entire life not knowing "erect" had any other use aside from describing a penis.
47. One-Upped By His Cat
I had been dating this girl for a few months and it was Christmas time. We weren't super serious but it was serious enough that I was buying her Christmas presents. I found something for her that was perfect, and it had a connection to some funny event involving her and my cat. So I made the present from the cat. I thought I was being cute and she would make the connection. Instead, she got pissed that my cat got her a present and I didn't. I thought she was joking. To make matters worse, we were at her parents' place and they backed her up. It was extremely awkward, and I realized it wasn't going to work out.
46. True North Is More Like A Feeling
Was on a hike and was following a trail I had read up on online. We get to a fork and I say, "Okay now we need to go north." She says, "haven't we been this whole time?" Confused, I look at her and ask why she says that. She replies, "North is the direction in front of you, yeah?"
Still not entirely sure about the origins of that logic.
45. My Pal Al
A girl I dated for 5 years thought Al Qaeda was a lone terrorist named Al.
44. So Where Is Paris Then?
When she told me that she'd never been to France. I knew for a fact she went to Disneyland Paris every year.
"Paris isn't in France!" She insisted.
We live in the UK, not the USA or somewhere else.
43. His Hips Don't Lie
My ex was the oldest of six. We had been dating for about a week, both 20. I commented, "You have wide hips for a man." He replied, "It's from carrying children." I was totally baffled until his youngest brother walked in and he picked him up and held him to the side, rested on his hip, as you do with toddlers. I had to sit him down and explain that you don't get wide hips from literally carrying children around.
42. Hand Over Your Liver
He was getting his license renewed, and they asked him if he wanted to be an organ donor. He said no. When I asked why, he told me it was because he didn't want the government to come knocking for any of his organs when he still needed them. He really thought that becoming an organ donor meant that, at any time, his organs could be taken.
41. Fractions Are Not For Everyone
One of my friends in college was making macaroni and cheese, and they saw it said: "add 2/3 cup water." So they added three cups because they like a more liquidy sauce. They thought it was two or three cups depending on how you like the sauce.
40. Psychadelic Pharmaceuticals To Be Taken Before Travel
My first girlfriend, when I was 16, was a few cards short of a deck. Let's call her J. One day she and her best friend were hanging out at her place and apparently decided to rifle through her father's medicine cabinet to see whether there was anything that could get them high (classy girls). She called me and the following conversation occurred:
J: Oh my god, you'll never believe what we just found!
Me: What did you find?
J: My dad's mescaline!!
Me: Huh? Your dad is a lawyer and I don't think he would use mescaline let alone leave it around your house.
J: No, really! It says right here on the bottle!
Me: The bottle? You're telling me that your dad has a bottle of mescaline labeled mescaline in his bathroom?
J: Well it's a prescription bottle full of pills and the prescription on the bottle is for mescaline, so yeah.
Me: Tries to decide which of the numerous factual inaccuracies to point out, gives up and goes for the kill shot.
Me: Read me the label.
J: It says, "mescaline tablets 25 milligrams take 1 tablet orally before travel."
Me: No... spell out mescaline for me.
J: M...E...C...L...I...Z...I...N...E. See, mescaline!
Me: It says meclizine and it's for motion sickness.
J: Ohhhhh.
39. Homeless People Have The Best Tans
I went on a first date where the girl "complemented" a homeless man on his "tan" for a good two minutes (felt like 20). She wouldn't stop talking about how nice it looked, and he was looking at me like, "Does she know I live in this park and am burned to a crisp after many hard years under the sun?" He was nice about it, but I was dying on the inside. This wasn't even the worst thing about the date. There was not a second one.
38. Alaska Zoo 2: This Time It's Personal
She and I were talking about new places that would be fun to check out around town, just pitching random ideas. She asks me, "Have you heard of the Alaska Zoo 2?" Confused at how a zoo could have a sequel, I ask her what she's talking about. "I saw this sign while driving down the road that said Alaska Zoo 2. Have you ever heard of it?"
It took me a second to realize that she was reading the road sign that told her it was two miles away and she thought there was some sort of "sequel" to the zoo.
37. False Advertising
When he told me that there was such a thing as a pickle plant. I tried to explain to him that pickles are cucumbers and that other things can be pickled and he refused to believe me, even after I got the jar of pickles from my fridge and showed him that the first ingredient was cucumbers. He then suggested the jar was lying.
36. The Metric System Is So Confusing
I had been seeing this guy for a month. Pretty, but not too bright. We went on a two-hour road trip to my cousin's house in Vancouver. They were "eccentrically trendy" and had weird things all over the house, like a picture of a squirrel in underpants, etc.
He used their bathroom and clogged the toilet. He came out and quietly asked my cousin where they kept their plunger. My cousin went into the bathroom and handed him the plunger that was sitting next to the toilet.
My ex said, "Oh, I've never seen this style before. Is it Canadian?" (We are from the U.S.). Without skipping a beat, my cousin said, "It's metric," and walked out.
About 20 minutes later, my ex came up to me and said, "I need your help, I can't figure out this thing!" I went to the bathroom, and immediately saw his problem.
The business end of the plunger was inside out (shaped like a bowl rather than a dome), and he was attempting to plunge with it but not getting any suction. I laughed, flipped it back, and told him to now try it, which it obviously worked just fine.
He came out, and I am dead serious, said to my cousin, "I think you were lied to about it being metric, it was just flipped inside out." My cousin looked at me and had to leave the room before he started laughing hysterically.
On the trip home, he told me that he didn't know how to drive in kilometers and asked if I could drive back over the border. This didn't come up before because I drove there, he was to drive back.
I dumped him when we got home.
35. Geography For Dummies
So me and my girlfriend were listening to a podcast about the Cold War. The podcast mainly talked about the nuclear armament race between the United States and the former Soviet Union. Me being a history geek, I asked my girlfriend if she could name other countries at the present that had nuclear capabilities. She asked if Iraq was one of them. As I was about to answer, she paused me and asked the following. "Hey, babe wait! Is the correct pronunciation of Iraq, Iran?"
I looked at her dumbfounded and said, "You do realize Iraq and Iran are not the same country, right?"
She looked back at me like a caveman who just discovered a fire.
34. Directional Failure At Its Finest
I was dating a soon-to-be nurse. She had driven up from Provo, Utah to drop her friend off at the airport in Salt Lake City. She called me on her way back, hysterical. Like bawling and incomprehensible types of hysteria. Her problem? She saw a sign that said she was heading to Las Vegas and she didn't want to go to Las Vegas. She wanted to come back home to Provo. For a little background for those not familiar with Utah, Salt Lake City lies along I-15. About six hours south of it is the small town of Las Vegas, Nevada. So technically, yes, she was headed to Las Vegas. Provo also sits right along I-15, only about an hour south of Salt Lake City. There are no other ways to Vegas. There are no other ways to Provo. I had to calmly tell her to just keep going (she didn't believe me) and she would find Provo. We didn't last long after that.
33. A Relative Of The Six-Headed Emu
My girlfriend and I are walking down a trail through an orchard. A bird flies overhead and she turns to me and asks, "What kind of bird is that?" (like I'm some kind of bird expert). I look at her and say with a straight face, "An Australian flame goose." She continues walking, and looks deep in thought. After a minute, she turns and asks, "What is it doing in America?" I respond with, "What are German Shepards doing in America?"
She accepted that as a perfectly reasonable answer and went about our walk.
32. Who Cares About The South Anyway
Back when Russia invaded Georgia (former Soviet Republic), a week after it started my ex said, "I can't believe they're not going to send troops to stop the Russians!" I began saying that it wasn't our job to police the world, and we certainly shouldn't get involved in a land war against Russia in their own backyard. But then after a few minutes, I realized she thought that Russia had invaded Georgia (U.S. state).
I broke up with her soon after.
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31. Maybe We Should Re-Name Them 'Slow Bumps'
We were driving down a neighborhood with speed bumps, and after accelerating over the third speed bump:
Me: What the heck are you doing?
Her: It's a speed bump.
Me: Yeah, I know. Why are you flooring it before the bump?
Her: That's what they are for, right? Speed over them.
30. Calorie Counting Fail
I was very interested in this one girl, but never ended up dating her. This was back around 2005, when all of these 100-calorie packaged snacks came out. She and her friend would share six or seven bags, open one and share the contents inside, then on to the next and so forth. She said that since they are sharing, they are consuming fewer than 100 calories, as in altogether. I tried to explain to them they are sharing 600-700 calories between the two of them. "NO! We're sharing each bag! So it's less than 100!"
I also tried to explain to them that they would save money by purchasing a large/family sized bag of their snacks instead of opening many small individual bags. But they still argued with their logic of there are too many calories in the larger bags.
29. Car Battery? Who Needs It?
When we went on holiday and I drove her car during the day, she got mad that I turned the headlights on (habit). She informed me that I was wasting gas, and the battery could die on the way. After explaining it several times to her, she got mad and insisted we drop it and I turn the lights off. I turned the lights off. She turned the radio on. I smacked the radio off and jokingly yelled, "WE CAN'T AFFORD THAT KIND OF GAS MONEY! WHAT IF THE BATTERY DIES? WHAT ARE WE MONEY MCRICHYPANTS? THIS CAR HAS NO GIGAWATTS TO SUSTAIN US!!!" She was not amused. Then she explained in depth that the radio gets its power from the radio waves, so I am wrong, again. She is married now and working on her Master's.
28. Just A Separate Species Entirely, No Big Deal
My spouse has moments.
At a pond that had ducks and geese, tells our child, "Look at all the baby geese! Aren't they adorable!"
I looked at the pond and saw no baby geese. Just adults birds.
Me: Uh, what baby geese? I don't see any babies.
Him: What? You don't see all those babies? There's lots of them!
And that's when I realized he was referring to the ducks.
Me: You think those ducks are baby geese? Those are ducks. Ducks are different then geese. All of those ducks are adults. They aren't babies.
27. If Pencils Aren't Heavy, Neither Is Lead
She argued with me about whether or not lead (as in a lead vest) was heavy. She argued on the side of it not being heavy. For 20 minutes until I pointed out to her that, as a nurse, she had worn a lead vest herself when helping with x-rays. Her defense was that "there is lead in a pencil but they aren't heavy."
Best Life
26. And Shiba Inus Speak Japanese, Too
He started speaking to my friend's dog in German. We asked what he was doing, and he goes, "What? This is why they call them German Shepard."
We laughed, he didn't.
"No seriously, the reason why they're called German Shepherds is because when you're training them, they understand German commands faster than English commands."
I think we lasted two weeks after that.
25. How Many Months?
I was talking about how lucky the day must be, it was (07/07/07). She commented, "Just think about how unlucky it will be on 13/13/13." I was unaware that Jafebruary was a month.
Photo by Eric Rothermel on Unsplash
24. The Multiplying Powers Of Mirrors
At a fast food restaurant with a giant mirror on the wall, I noticed her staring at a man standing beside it, so I asked her what was wrong. She replied with, "Are those two guys twins? Because they are wearing the same shirt."
23. It's A Vegetable?
First time cooking together. I handed him a block of cheese to grate and he turned to me and said " I've never grated cheese before, how do you use this thing?" then about a half hour later he apologized for being vegan and said "sorry about my dietary restrictions, vegan recipes can be hard to find." never did he say he was vegan then I told him if he was vegan we'd have to make a different dish because of the cheese. He replied with "why would you think I couldn't have cheese? I'm vegan, I can have vegetables." he actually thought cheese was a vegetable....and he was "vegan".
Photo by Lindsay Moe on Unsplash
22. They Live In The Future
When she asked what month it is in Australia.
21. Numbers Aren't Her Strong Suit
We were watching a generic action movie when the bad guy said, "I want one-hundred-million dollars!" And she started giggling.
I asked her what was so funny and she said, "One-hundred-million," in a mocking tone, "that's not a real number!"
20. How Babies Are Made Is Still Not Clear
I'm a girl and the girl I used to date told me to put on a condom so that way she wouldn't get pregnant. Then while arguing, she told me that if she ends up getting pregnant, I have to assume responsibility as a father. I'm a girl. Woman. I came out of a vagina with one.
19. Dual-Mode Chopsticks
The setup is almost like the start of a bad joke. I was in high school dating a blond cheerleader. I'm half-Asian and I was eating something with metal chopsticks. I noticed she was looking at me with her gears turning. I asked her, "What's up?" She asked me, "How do you guys eat soup?" Trying my best to keep a straight face, I said: "Oh, the ends of the chopsticks pop off and we can use them as straws." "Oh! That makes sense!" And she accepted that without further question.
18. An Animal Rights Activist
It was about 10 years ago. We were talking about bar soap one day. He has sensitive skin and can only use certain brands of soap. I asked him if he had ever tried a specific brand I use, because it's very mild. He got really serious and said, "God, no, I don't buy that soap. They kill elephants to make it."
We have been married for seven years.
17. What Happens When You Take Things Too Literally
My girlfriend thought a "new moon" on the calendar meant a brand new moon floated in out of space and replaced the old one. We didn't last long after that.
16. Not The Sharpest Tool In The Shed
My brother's ex compelled me to keep a running list of things she said:
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In the break room at work, after someone suggests making popcorn in the microwave, "You can't use that microwave for popcorn! It doesn't have a "popcorn" button!" This was at RadioShack, where she sold electronics for a living.
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While watching my brother hang trousers on those clamp-style hangers: "Is that what those are for??" "Uh, yeah. What did you think they were for?" "I don't know. I threw all mine away because they made all my shirts square."
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Me, "You at least know The Rolling Stones, right?" "Duh. The t-shirt company." Me, "Huh?" Her, "You know, they make all those shirts with the big mouth and tongue on them."
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While enrolled in a nursing program, she called to ask my brother whether a woman could get pregnant from oral sex. She was quite certain one could.
Photo by Jessica Lewis on Unsplash
15. Other Options
So I came home one day and saw my (now ex-wife) sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor vacuuming a huge pile of sugar and crying. She spilled 5lbs when the bag ripped. The vacuum was burning up and nearly caught fire trying to get the sugar up.
I walked over to the broom and dustpan 2 feet away from her and cleaned the mess up in seconds.
This isn't why we are divorced but was only a harbinger of much more stupidity to come over the years.
Photo by Jessica Furtney on Unsplash
14. High Beams
One night she was driving us in her car (my first time) and I noticed a few oncoming vehicles flash their headlights. Sure enough, she had her high beams on. Turns out she thought the universal blue symbol for high beams on the dashboard just meant "headlights are on." She had been driving that new car with high beams on all day and night for at least 6 months. I told her how to turn her high beams off and she pretty much had a complete meltdown and got angry at me for "making her feel stupid."
Photo by Eugene Triguba on Unsplash
13. Just Blow Into It
Told me senior year of high school that she thought blowjobs were silly. When asked to explain, she said she doesn't get the fun of blowing air on some guys penis. Then she told me I was naive when I explained what a bj actually is
Photo by Ethan Robertson on Unsplash
12. What Month?
When she asked what month it was in Australia
Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash
11. Blind Dog
He was worried about his dog, Ben, getting older and thought it was strange that Ben was growing eyebrow whiskers. I told him when dogs start going blind they grow antennae like ants have so they can get around. "Oh no, Ben's going blind!"
Photo by Charles Deluvio ???? on Unsplash
10. Fire Breathing Dragons
Realized my roommate's girlfriend was dumb when she paused Game of Thrones to ask the room if "dragons used to be real".
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
9. If Only She Drove A Helicopter
When my grandma was on her deathbed, my uncle and his girlfriend showed up like everyone else to say their goodbyes. They drove separately though, and the girlfriend's name was Holly. And as everyone was saying goodbye, a nurse came over to the physician's assistant and gave a description of Holly's car, saying it was parked on the helipad. And when she heard this, she said, "I thought the H was for Holly!" And proceeded to leave and move her car to yet another helipad.
8. A Metaphor
I say "We will cross that bridge when we come to it."
She replies, after a long pause, "Wait, what bridge?"
Photo by Cody Hiscox on Unsplash
7. What Type of Dog?
'Have you ever had a dog before, [name of ex boyfriend]?'
'Yeah, two. A poodle and a cat'
Photo by Mikhail Vasilyev on Unsplash
6. Bird Balloons
When he asked if birds bones were hollow because they were filled with helium.
Photo by Deion Reaves on Unsplash
5. Dehydrated Grapes
We were using a dehydrator to make some dried fruit chips. Apples, bananas, etc. She looks at me and says "I wonder what dehydrated grapes would taste like?" Me, "Probably a lot like raisins." Her, in all seriousness, "Do you really think so?"
4. Almost, But Not Quite
She told me to "get off my high tree"
doesn't realize it's "horse"
Photo by Marylou Salon on Unsplash
3. They Will Find You
The other day an older guy at work told me the story of taking a girl out when he was younger, and she asked if ambulances just drove around all day looking for hurt people. The date ended pretty shortly after that.
Photo by Benjamin Voros on Unsplash
2. The Easiest Way To Cook Rice
He was cooking a stir-fry and was almost finished with the meat and vegetables, so I asked him if he was serving it with rice or noodles. He said rice, but I didn't see any, so I replied that he probably should have cooked the rice first. He snapped back, "I have. It's in the fridge." I opened the fridge to find a bowl of raw rice covered with water and informed him that you can't cook rice in the fridge. He replied smugly, "Yes you can. I saw it on a cooking show. The chef said, 'Here's some rice I prepared earlier in the fridge.'" Clearly, he was unaware of the fact that cooking shows are edited and the rice had been cooked and then stored in the fridge. Poor dear, probably moved back into his mum's basement after that.
1. The Really Realest
We were driving around this weird part of Las Vegas and I said, "This is surreal." He said, "I know. It's so real." I repeated, "Surreal" and he repeated, "So. Real."
