People From Around The World Share Their "Let's Never Speak Of This Again" Moments

People From Around The World Share Their "Let's Never Speak Of This Again" Moments

Everyone has that one story -- the story that makes you cringe just thinking back to it. Maybe it was something mortifying that happened to you as a child. Perhaps it’s something more recent between you and someone else that you both know should never be brought up again. Whatever it is, it’s important to know you are not alone. Most people can and will relate to having embarrassing moments. But at the end of the day, there’s “embarrassing moments” and then there are the stories you never want to be discussed again… like these following tales shared anonymously by brave people.


58. Like Father Like Daughter

So I am in high school and got trashed at a party. Somehow I made it home. In the middle of the night, I blindly wander into my parents' bedroom, sit on my Dad's hamper, and take a good, long pee. My dad woke up in the middle of it and pushed me back into my room.

I wake up in the morning and go to the living room and see dad. He starts cracking up and told me what happened. Said we won't tell anyone and to go upstairs and clean out his hamper. Ended up having to buy him a new hamper. My mom never said anything about it so I have no idea if she knew.

My dad passed away about 10 years ago. Since that time my mom told me a story about my dad getting trashed one night shortly after they were married and she woke up in the middle of the night to see him peeing in his hamper.

Apparently, I am totally my father's daughter. And have still never told anyone about it.

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57. Close Those Blinds, Man

Not so much we never spoke of it again, but I've never spoken of it.

In college, skipped the day to play some CoD. I got bored and decided to... take matters into my own hands. My dorm room was on the top floor (4th) and the window blinds were open.

As I was furiously taking out my frustrations, a window washer came up to the window on a suspended scaffold. We locked eyes for a second and he left my window unwashed and slowly went back down.

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56. This Is Why The Birds And The Bees Are So Important

Oh god. When I was 9 I had a friend, Donna. Donna was a little more mature than I was. She brought up sex. The only thing I knew about it was that it was bad because of an abstinence-only billboard that was up by my grandma's house. (Guess what part of America I live in.)

I told her that it was bad, and she said: "It's how you make babies, stupid." So naturally, she proposes we do it. We were in our underwear and tee shirts. She leaned in to kiss me and I pulled away. Nothing of any inappropriate nature happened but she said: "That was it, we had sex."

So I feared for weeks I was knocked up. I woke up in the middle of the night sobbing to my mom that I was pregnant and I had done it with Donna. She calmly explained that's not how any of that worked, somehow managing not to laugh.

My mom and I have never mentioned it again in the past eleven years since.

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55. On The Bright Side, You Have A Good Friend And A Good Boss

I was drinking, and I had this guy pal that I was trying to bang... but he refused to bang a hammered girl while he was sober. I grabbed my phone and started looking for some action... no such luck. I eventually passed out and went to sleep.

When I woke up the next morning, I read the texts I'd sent in absolute horror.

Me: what r u doin?

G: Getting ready 4 bed, u?

Me: Sloppy, topless, and looking for some fun.

G: Lol, good luck! I'm going to bed.

G happened to my boss who had just started a few weeks ago. At the time Facebook would merge your friends' contact info into your address book. I never spoke of it again, but I had a difficult time looking him in the eye for a while.

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54. Don't Read My Diary!

Growing up, we were poor, and as a teen, I didn't really have access to adult content or whatnot, but I was quite a writer.

So I would write adult fiction as a....release, in a spiral notebook. Well, one day after writing a particularly sordid story, I kinda 'came to' and realized I shouldn't leave that stuff lying around. I went to the kitchen, intending to throw the spiral away. I set it down, got a drink, the phone rang, I answered. And I left the spiral in the kitchen, forgotten.

An hour later my mother comes to me with the spiral and some "questions".

I won't get into it but she described how a lot of my stories... wouldn't really ever happen and were a bit extreme. She threw it away and never brought it up again.

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53. Friends Without Benefits

A close female friend and I had just gone through rough breakups and were drinking a lot that week out of depression.

One night we end up cuddling together while watching a movie. Things get intimate. Hot, passionate, messy hookup ensues all over a suede couch.

We awoke in the morning and without speaking, grabbed cleaning supplies, scrubbed the heck out of the couch, then clothed ourselves and went to work.

Since then we've had a laugh about it but we agreed never to bring it up again. We remain great friends.

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52. Darwin Award Nominees

My college roommate and I were in Italy, and we were lost at a small-town train station where there's no English and no one spoke English at all. The way the train station is set up is that we have to take stairs underground, and take stairs back up to cross the platform.

We were trying to figure out which train to take and ended up going back and forth since we barely understood any Italian. After a few trips going up and down, we decided to just cross back and forth across the tracks.

This was wayyyyy before smartphones, so we were in the middle of the tracks while I used a compass to figure out which direction Florence was. Then we realized it was noisier than usual, looked up, and saw a train coming.

In a panic, we ran in front of the train to the platform across instead of backward to safety.

Realized we nearly won Darwin Awards. We agreed not to tell anyone about how dumb we were.

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51. "My Bowels Are Amazing"

My (now ex) husband had to have thyroid surgery a few years ago. He was having a lot of swelling so they gave him some Percocet to take. Anyone who has taken Percocet before knows that it might work very well but it's not without side effects.

One of those side effects happens to be constipation. We knew this would happen; my husband and I are both doctors. I urged him and urged him to keep eating fiber or take a stool softener or something. He laughed it off: "Babe, my bowels are amazing, nothing's going to happen to me."

Days passed and he continued to heal, requiring less and less of the medication. I noticed his appetite hadn't picked up much but I thought eh, cut him a break, he just had surgery.

That night I found him on the couch clutching his stomach and scowling. Immediately I knew what was up and said as gently as I could "now will you take the stool softener?" He relented.

Hours passed. Stool softeners don't work instantly, and they were up against days of hardened poo.

My husband began pacing and sweating. He has a pretty high pain tolerance and I began to feel alarmed. We massaged his poor, distended tummy, and you could literally feel the lumps of hard poo (he's a pretty thin guy, not much subcutaneous fat). After hours of stool softeners, tummy rubbing and fluids he started to really sweat. Now I was really worried.

Suddenly he leaped up, ran into the bathroom and slammed the door. I sat outside waiting for a noise, a fart, a wail, something. Finally, I heard him sob my name. I walked in and my cool, aloof husband was bawling his eyes out, sitting on the toilet and pushing on his stomach like an uncomfortable little kid. He turned green and I immediately recognized that face.

I had just enough time to grab a trash can to catch the vomit that came streaming out....seconds before an enormous shart and a huge blast of turd-chunks. There was my surgeon husband, crying, barfing, crapping and hanging onto my arm for dear life. It was so painful to watch and to this day he says it's the only time he's truly been in 10/10 pain.

Yeah. We didn't really talk about that day much after that. Though he never did disrespect the constipating powers of meds from that day forward.

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50. Fake Anniversary

When my best buddy and I were still in high school we decided to go up an old mountain road and do some underage drinking in his car. We were up there for a while and all of a sudden we see headlights behind us. Fearing it was a cop we hid the cans and my friend looks over to me and says "Just follow my lead."

Turns out it was a cop. We rolled down the windows and he asked what we were up to this late at night up in the mountains. I'm sitting in the passenger seat freaking out hoping he can't smell any of the drinks.

My friend looks over at the cop and in the calmest voice says, "It's our two year anniversary tonight and we were trying to get away from everything..." He then reaches over, picks up my hand and kisses the back of it. The cop looked at us for another few seconds and told us to have a nice and safe night.

Just another couple of gay boys enjoying themselves up in the mountains at 1 am.

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49. Breakup Butter

After my friend broke up with his girlfriend, I stopped by to console him. His roommate leads me to him, curled up on the floor, eating butter out of the tub and crying. I scooped him up and put him in the car. We went to his favorite ramen place and ate in dead silence. We never spoke of it again but he was smiling the next day.

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48. It's Not What It Looks Like

A family vacation in Mexico, I'm 16 or 17 years old.

I was flirting with this girl for a couple of days and eventually, we find ourselves on the beach really late at night. I want to hook up with her, but she's waiting until she's married... blah, blah, blah. So we end up making out and fooling around a bit.

It's pitch dark outside, and we eventually walk back into the empty hotel lobby. She immediately books it into the lobby bathroom and says she has to throw up. I wait outside for her for 10/15 minutes and eventually duck my head into the bathroom and ask if she's all right. No answer, no sound at all.

I figure I must be hammered and missed her leaving and walk back up to my room. My brother wakes up and looks at me in pure horror: "What in the world happened to you?!"

I snap out of my haze and notice my pants, my shirt, and my right hand are covered in blood. Turns out it was her time of the month and it was so dark I just didn't notice.

I tell my brother: "This never leaves this room" and take a 2-hour shower.

15 years later, my brother still talks about it all the time.

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47. Don't Play With Mr. Electricity

I was six, and we were moving. There was an electrical socket I had never seen before. I had a paperclip. It looked like it fit right in -- and it did! I had a shock in my whole hand but fortunately dropped the paperclip out of the light socket quickly enough so that nothing else happened. I went upstairs and told my mom that my hand felt funny after I'd stuck a paperclip in a socket.

She told me never to tell my dad because it'd upset him to think that I could have been killed due to my own stupidity without his being there to protect me (I'm an only child, was a sickly baby, and am still a daddy's girl thanks to that). It's been thirty years, and I still haven't told him!

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46. Insecure Security Guard

One night when I was in college I was really hungry, but every place that delivered food was closed because it was like 4 am. Then I remembered that there was a McDonald's like 2-3 miles from campus that I could walk to. I checked the website and it said it was open 24 hours, so I started to make my way.

As I got close to the student center on the edge of campus, I started second-guessing whether or not that McDonald's was open 24/7 or not, so I decided to pop into the computer lab in the basement of the center (which was always open) to go online and check again.

The lights were off in the lab so I thought I would be the only person there, but when I entered the room and the lights came on I see a security guard sitting at one of the computers. He's startled by me and scrambles to close the window he was looking, which I could already tell was an adult video.

I was didn't know how to react so I just sat down at a computer and didn't say a word. He breaks the awkward silence by getting up and saying, "Well, it's about that time" and then making his way to the door. I still don't know what exactly he meant by that but my response was just to nod and say yup.

That guard and I crossed paths quite a bit after that and it was always a little awkward, but at the same time we had like this unspoken agreement about that night and he would always be nicer to me and let me off when others would have written me up for something I did.

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45. Lanelle Knew

About 6 years ago, I was traveling around Europe with some buddies.

We were with a tour group of about 20 people in Munich, drinking at a traditional hall. A buddy challenged me to a drinking competition, to finish the steins we had just ordered. It was huge and ice cold.

I won. It took me about 5 minutes, we didn't attempt chugging it, or really drinking it super aggressively.

So there I am, belly full of ice-cold brew - bloated as a balloon. I'm burping quietly in my mouth as the excessive amount of gas rises to the surface.

Whoops. Not a burp. A decent amount of beer gets regurgitated into my mouth. Holding it in my mouth, I look around to see if anyone noticed. Given I'm at the end of the table, people aren't looking my way and are otherwise distracted. Except for Lanelle, a quiet and demure Canadian girl.

Our eyes meet, my cheeks full of shame. Not breaking eye contact, I swallow my shame. I raise a finger to my mouth making the 'Shhhh' signal. Her expression is somewhere between concern and disgust, and she returns to her conversation.

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44. Going Back To Back

My buddy invited me on a camping/hiking trip with his church. I agreed (very avid hiker and outdoorsman) and threw my pack together.

We hike our butts up this mountain and set up camp. I brought all my badass toys. Got my new Wisperlite stove and my new folding camp chair! Guess what I freaking forgot? My bloody sleeping bag. Idiot! (What a noob mistake. Left it in the Jeep at the base of the mountain.)

My buddy literally helped me lay out our clothes on the floor of the tent and we slept snuggled up (back to back) covered with his sleeping bag.

My friend is a good friend. I think we decided to just get through it and never talk about it again.

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43. That's Not The Anatomy She's Interested In

When I started grad school the department had a picnic for the new students to come and meet the faculty. Just as I arrive at the place, I see the department chair pull up. She's like a legend in her field -- a prim, proper, classically-trained anatomist who had done research with Nobel prize winners back in the 60s.

So I go over to introduce myself, and just as she gets out of her car I trip over the curb and crash into her, including, yes, mashing her boobs.

I think she cursed at me in Czech.



42. Hello, Future Father-In-Law

One time I sent my girlfriend a nude, but I accidentally sent it to her home phone. Apparently, any message sent to her home phone number gets redirected to her dad's cell phone.

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41. Mario Kart Maniacs

My brother and I are close, and we were talking about the weirdest things we have watched. I went first, I told him I’ve watched Peach and Bowser adult videos. He looked baffled, then said that was his secret too. We have this bond now and it’s amazing. We always tell our parents “We share something very close” and they always ask what it is but we are never ever going to say it.


40. Permanent Memory

The time when me and my tattoo artist had mad attraction so we got intimate in the prepping booth.

While people were getting tattoos done.


39. Now That's A True Friend

7th grade. Broke my arm playing soccer and I went to Disneyland the next day. I couldn't unzip my pants at the bathroom to take a pee. I looked at my friend who saw me struggling and he just came up to me and unzipped my pants. "This didn't happen? You hear me?"


38. Deer In The Headlights

My buddies and I actually voiced the phrase "we can never tell this story" in the truck afterward.

Road trip with two buddies, Cal and Joel. Driving home, late at night, we're in the mindset that we're tired of sitting in the truck and ready to be home so we drove through the night to get the miles behind us.

Finally, about 3 am we pull off the highway onto a forest road and drive until we see a spot to camp. Decent grassy clearing looks like someone has had the same idea here before. We pile out and grab our tents and start setting up.

Joel is tired and quiet. Cal has the inhuman ability of speaking in a continuous run-on sentence for hours. It doesn't matter what time. Wake him up at 4 am and from a dead sleep, he'll start telling you a story before his feet hit the ground. He's funny, too, so it keeps the road trip interesting.

Setting up camp, Cal is deep in a half story, half rhetorical essay, when he stops. Cold. I look over his way, shining my headlamp on him. His lamp trails off into the trees.

"Are those eyes?"

I look where he's looking and stare for a good while, "Might just be dew on the leaves. Or a marker on the trees. Wouldn't be surprised if this road is used for motorcycle races."

We stare a while longer, neither of us can relax. Finally, I grab a shovel and start walking toward the little glowing beads. Neither of us was going to sleep without resolution.

"Come on guys, go to bed," Joel announces with confidence, "there are no predators in this area."

There are. I've seen both bears and cougars in the area. Joel isn't from the area. Cal and I continue on.

I cover about half the ground between me and the orbs and I pause. It's so dark and they're so far away I can't quite make out if they're moving slightly or if it's just the shadows cast from my headlamp. I throw a rock. I yell. Pause. Then they blink.

"Yep, it's an animal and it's not scaring with rocks," I say toward Cal, slowly walking backward. "It clearly sees us. It's watching me."

Cal agrees, "let's just watch it for a while."

We finish setting up our tents keeping a light on the creature at all times. Finally, it starts to move. The two little orbs raise a few inches off the ground and start strafing us, rocking ever so slightly back and forth as they start a wide circle skirting our campsite. A slight pause here and there, but they continue to close in even as we unleash a thunderstorm of rocks and yelling and quickly sidestep toward the truck.

"Uh, Joel, whatever it is it's moving our way."

"Keep a light on it! Keep a light on it!" Joel yells and fumbles with his tent zipper. He's already taken his pants off and comes booking toward the truck emanating his own light from his pasty white thighs. He gets inside and sits in the back, Cal and I are perched on either side of the truck ready to jump inside so fast we're bound to knock heads over the gear shift. The creature is behind a bush about 20 feet from the truck at this point. The leaves are shifting slightly. It's still coming.

Cal and I share a couple of words of encouragement. Waiting. Waiting. And then the bushes part. When the claw sunk into Cal's neck he screamed and I dove over the cab...

Just kidding. The bushes part and a deer walks out and right up to the truck. Turns out people did camp here before and apparently they fed the deer. Whatever survival instinct once was in this long-legged forest rodent was long gone. And we were three men in their jammies crouching in a truck, hiding from it.

So, so embarrassing.

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37. Love Or Money

While working for the local church's "Prisoner Outreach Program," my grandmother met a female inmate with whom she fell in love. Upon the inmate's release, she and grandma planned on running away together. Said inmate locked her in the closet and made off with all the cash she'd liquidated from her savings account. That's why my grandma had to work as the lunch-lady at my middle school and why we've financially supported her for her whole life. Yeah... nobody ever says anything.

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36. I Don't Know If I Could Keep Being Friends

I was on a road trip with a buddy. We were heading to a three-day music fest in Tennessee. We drove through the night and were making good time. He was driving and asked me to take the wheel for a second.

I did.

He grabbed a Gatorade bottle, unzipped, and started peeing in the bottle. I was a bit uncomfortable with my hand 6 inches above his exposed junk, but we were going 75 mph and his foot was on the gas. We had more pressing concerns, is my point.

He finishes up, and in one swift motion, rolls down the window, and lifts the Gatorade bottle toward the window to dump it.

"Wait what are you do-"

Imagine a full bottle of warm pee filling up the entire interior of a car like a fine aerosol spray in a split second.

That's what 75 mph wind blowing inward does to a bottle of liquid trying to go outward. I learned that the hard way.

Of COURSE it got in my mouth. But that wasn't the worst of it. It was clogging my ears like I had been swimming. It was stinging my eyes. It went so far up my nose that I sneezed it out. Twice.

We looked at each other, dripping with pee.

All I could say was "Seriously? SERIOUSLY dude?!"

He turned on the AC after a time. Pee droplets blew out onto us. It was dripping on us from the ceiling of the car.

We rode for a long time in silence.

Do you know what a person, and the interior of a car covered in pee smell like after being in 103-degree heat for three days, and no means to wash up?

I do. I do.

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35. Milk Man Mortified

One fateful night when I was around 12, I woke up and for some reason, I was sure I was really late for school. I threw on some clothes and walked into the kitchen, still half asleep.

What I saw in the kitchen was utterly confusing. My dad was standing there, naked, chugging milk straight from the carton like a madman. I looked at him, but was too tired to be shocked, he, on the other hand, looked like he had been caught chugging milk by a ghost. Then I looked up at the clock. It was 4 AM. I really didn’t understand anything except that I could sleep more at this point, so without a word I just turned around slowly and went back to bed.

The look on his face still haunts me.


34. A Naked Observation

Me and one of my friends were hanging out when we were probably 10 or 11. We went behind an elementary school on the weekend to play and ended up going behind a dumpster and getting naked and looking at each other. We never hung out again and every time we saw each other throughout high school it was a little weird.


33. Submitting To Secrecy

When my uncle passed away we were going through his house to clear it. We found 5-6 cameras and checked them to see if there were any photos of him for his mother as she didn't have many.

Turns out he was into domination and had a large variety of adult-quality pictures of himself partaking in his interests. 60-year-old man being dominated by similarly aged males and females. They are seared into my soul.

My father and I were checking together and made a pact not to tell anyone else or speak of it again.


32. A Brother Bothered

Was having some "fun" with my ex-girlfriend and we thought we were home alone, so she decided that she'd scream the house down. She screams "Yeah, daddy!" really loudly and when we finish about 10 minutes later, we go to the bathroom to clean up.

Bump into her then 14-year-old brother on the landing and make direct eye contact with him. He just looks at me oddly and grimaces at his older sister. I still cringe to this day.


31. Tinder Trauma

Matched with my cousin on Tinder.

I was like "Wow she is ho...Oh my god that's my cousin!" while swiping. It all happened so fast. Same thing must have happened to her because we matched. I just messaged her saying we never speak of this, agreed? And she said agreed. And we've never spoken about it. Things are weird around the holidays. We just kinda make eye contact and then one of us finds a reason to leave the room immediately to go and talk to other family members who we have not matched with on Tinder.


30. Sucky Friends

So my friends and I were playing "never have I ever" and I brought up that I’d never had a hickey. They decided to change that so two of them pinned me down while two others sucked on opposite sides of my neck. No one was really sure how it got to that point but it happened and hasn’t been brought up since.


29. Gone Fishin'

Well me and the wife were out on the lake fishing. When all of a sudden I felt the rumbling in my gut. I was about to poop my pants. I looked around and noticed we were nowhere near a dock and there was nobody else on the water.

So I looked my wife in the eye and told her I was sorry and loved her very much. I then proceeded to hang my butt over the side of the boat and had the Hershey squirts. It was over quite quickly thankfully. My wife passed me a few old receipts from her purse so I could wipe. She told me she still loved me and we kept on fishing.


28. Ticked Off

I came home from a week at Girl Scout camp at 13, and discovered a tick the size of a thumbtack, attached to a very private place. I had to go to my Mom and get her to help detach it. When she finished, she told me we didn't ever have to talk about this again if I didn't want to. Her tone made it clear that she certainly didn't want to.


27. Mixing Up Moms

In middle school my crush's mom and my mom drove the exact same SUV with similar license plates. After school one day I ran up hopped in my mom's car and started talking when she didn't talk back and hadn't left the pick-up line I looked at her. She was not my mom. I look to my right and my crush is standing outside the car looking at me like I was crazy. I sheepishly got out and ran a few cars back to my real mom. A few years later I had moved back to the area and was a cashier at a local store. My crush came through the line and recognized me and started to say "Weren't you that girl who..." and I just interrupted with a "Yes," handed him his change and quickly started the next customer.


26. TV And Ticket Tradeoff

When I was 17 a huge photo radar ticket came in for my truck. Something like 40km over the speed limit. My mom was furious at me. HOW DARE YOU DRIVE LIKE A MANIAC I RAISED YOU BETTER and all that. But it turns out I wasn't the driver that day. Dad had borrowed it to pick something up. I asked him how much it was worth to him for me to take the fall knowing she'd turn on him with the fury of an angry mama bear. And that's how I got myself a new HDTV that year.


25. Taking The Plunge

Had to stay with a work friend one night as we had a conference in his home town the next day. It was weird enough staying in his spare room, but to top things off he had a fancy modern bathroom with a square toilet... Which of course, I blocked in the morning with a poop the size of Mt Fuji. After 30 minutes of fruitless searching for a plunger while the situation went from bad to worse, he knocked on the door and asked if I was okay. I had to tell him not to come in but to just hand me a stupid plunger and some bleach. Apparently, his girlfriend did the same thing the first night she stayed at his place, so at least I'm not alone. To this day I cannot look him in the eye at work.


24. Wiping The Shame Away

One time I was taking a poop and feeling very faint. I started getting cold sweats, feeling dizzy and light headed. In a panic, I shouted for my wife to come help me. As she entered the room I proceeded to faint, fall off the toilet, and roll my body to the side to prevent injury. Mid-fall a poop torpedoed out of my butt across the floor leaving a trail of poop smear. When I came to, my wife was standing there in shock, I got up grabbed some toilet paper and picked up my shame and we never spoke of it again.


23. Let's Drop It

My wife and I were at my cousin's apartment in a big city. They have a balcony on the 40th-something floor. We were all outside on the balcony drinking and getting a little inebriated. My wife rests her drink (thank god it was a can and not a bottle or glass) on the railing of the balcony. I scold her and go to move it when my half inebriated and clumsy self knocks it off and we watch in horror as it falls in slow motion 40 stories and hits the ground like a bullet next to a crowd of people. We never mentioned it to anyone.


22. Horsing Around

A friend of mine and I were watching a movie on a site called Rabbit (you can all watch movies and browse the net on the same tab) and somehow we got into an argument over horse junk being able to hurt people. She looked it up online and we watched a nasty video of a man getting assaulted by a horse. Little did we know, a notification went around on our friend lists saying "Me and Anon are watching man gets assaulted by horse and dies, come watch with them!"

I am still ashamed.


21. Covered In Ashes

When my best friend passed away, we figured he would have liked a 'sky burial' kind of. So at the height of the funeral party we released his ashes into heavens with a giant balloon. After a few meters of flight the string snapped, and his remains covered the mourning crowd. Everyone made their best efforts to get inebriated as soon as possible. We will never speak of this ever.


20. Crampin' His Style

After a house party when I was a teenager me and my friend both passed out on my bed. About 2-3 hours later I woke up with a horrendous cramp in my leg so I sat on the edge of the bed massaging it trying to get rid of it.

My friend woke up and thought I was getting busy with myself but got too awkward to ask what was going on. He never said anything until the next morning when he was giving me a weird look.

I'd prefer we never speak of it again...he loves twisting the story to any girls on nights out.


19. Stone Cold Shower

When I was a teenager I got really messed up one day and when I got home I went for a shower. It was only me and my sister in the house. While still incredibly messed up I got shampoo in my eyes, in a little panic I slipped, ripped the shower curtain down, fell out the bath, hit my head on radiator, and landed with my arm down the toilet.

My sister burst in to see what had made a huge crashing sound, there’s me, naked, wrapped up in a shower curtain on the floor with my arm down the toilet.

12 years later and it’s never been brought up.


18. Concerned About Cloning

15 years old, I wander into the living room in my boxers, hand down the front, enjoying being home alone. President George W. Bush is on TV talking about cloning. With little understanding of what he is talking about, I yell at the top of my lungs, "WE'RE DONE FOR!"

When I was home alone and a teenager, I liked to get wacky like this, probably just an outlet of excess energy and my general facade of being a decent kid. Dance around, yell random things, basically if you saw me in private at any point in these years you would have thought I was missing a few screws.

Unfortunately for me I was not home alone and my mom was in the living room watching this unfold. She yelled at me in shock at my behavior, it was probably top 10 most embarrassed I've ever been in my life, and it was never discussed again.


17. Driving Stick

Trying to teach my new at the time girlfriend how to drive my manual car. She told me she had done it a few times and knew what she was doing. Fast forward ten minutes and I no longer have a front bumper. She continues with "I can't believe I did this! Your friends and family are gonna think I'm an idiot!" I just replied with "I did this" and we haven't spoke of it since. Everyone thinks I'm the idiot.


16.  A Confidential Crash

I got into a car accident for the first time in my life when my younger brother was visiting me. I wasn't paying attention to the car in front of me and I rear-ended them pretty hard. Luckily no one was hurt, we exchanged information, took pictures, but there was no noticeable damage so we left it at that.

I looked at my brother and we both agreed never to bring it up again. I gave him that car when he turned 18.


15. Festival Of Poop

Many many years ago I went to this Jesus Woodstock festival. Basically a 3-day Christian music fest. We got there after dark. Set up our tents. Had to use the bathroom and ran to the portapotty without flashlights because we were 17 and beyond dumb. I pop a squat and am getting soaked! I don't know how it’s so filled, it’s the first night. I use a wad of toilet paper, toss it into the hole, but it’s strangely floating. I realize I actually peed on the brand new portapotty with the toilet lid still closed. I felt immediate shame. I had to release my guilt and confided in my friend later that night. She did the same exact thing.


14. Making Friends

My husband and I were going to Thanksgiving dinner at the house of some of my dad’s family that I only kind of knew. We got there, knocked, and a woman I didn’t recognize let us in. We went into the home and there wasn’t anyone there, there was no dinner, etc. So we’re making small talk with this lady and I ask when everyone is coming. She asks what I mean.

Turns out we were at the wrong house. The woman just thought we were friends of her husband, because he would randomly bring people home, and that we had simply arrived before he did.


13. Tricky Family Tree

I was really getting into this girl and I finally managed to ask her out on a date. We're on the date things are actually going really smoothly. Then I bring up the fact that my grandparents are straight out of Sicily and she says that's cool, then I say they're from a town, she says her parents are from the same town. She goes home and surprise surprise she's related to me. Needless to say we talk a lot less.


12. Blind Accident

High school senior me was outside with a friend in my driveway. For some reason I didn’t have my glasses on and a neighborhood dog ran up to me out of nowhere. I couldn’t tell what it was or initially see it coming, and I was so startled I peed my pants before I saw it was a Labrador.

My friend was laughing at first until she realized what happened, then she just had a big shocked face. I was so embarrassed but just went inside and changed. My friend was older than me/kind of a mentor figure so she never mentioned it again and didn’t give me a hard time afterwards. She knew I was blind without my glasses and that I have a weak-ish bladder.


11. Dancing In The Dark

I dance a lot with my headphones in, have always done it since I can remember. Well, over the years my dancing became more and more correct and reformed, instead of just a random flailing of limbs. When I was 15 it would be the time I had the most random flailing of all, almost like if a hecatoncheires tried dancing. I normally did this in private. One night, I assumed my parents were in for the night so I could go to town out in the pitch black living room. I would shatter my ear drums with the music and just run around doing raspy singing and some very poor dance moves. This continued until I heard a sharp laugh. I looked to my right in horror and saw my mother there on the couch in the dark, in a blanket crying silently from laughter. Unbeknownst to me she couldn't take her husband's farts at the time, and decided to sleep in the living room. I quietly retreated to my room and locked the door. She hasn't said anything since.


10. New Resolution

Woke up on January 1st, like 9 years ago, naked from the waist down, in the bed of a friend I grew up with and considered a brother. We looked at each other, we nonverbally understood, and never mentioned it.


9. Cringing At The Cinema

Decided to go to the movies with my super religious mom. We just sort of picked a movie that sounded like it would be good, no idea what it was about...That movie was The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.


8. Hungry For Hamster

When I was younger, my sister took our pet hamster and swallowed him whole. I didn’t, and still don’t, know what I should do with this information.


7. From Coffee The Pee Comes, And To Coffee It Shall Return

I had just landed in an airplane but we were delayed indefinitely on the tarmac and I really really really had to pee.

I asked the flight attendant if I could still use the airplane bathroom, and she hesitated but then said yes. When I got inside, I realized that the whole toilet bowl was already quite full of a brown liquid, which I quickly determined to be coffee by the smell. The flight attendant must have just poured it out, thus the hesitation. Whatever. I don't care. I had zero problems sitting down and peeing into that.

Then I stood up and flushed. That is when things went very very wrong.

Apparently there is a max capacity to airplane toilets, and instead of just flushing...the liquid exploded. As the majority of the liquid flushed, a million tiny droplets burst out of the toilet bowl at top speed and covered every single surface with a fine mist of coffee pee. I scrambled back against the wall in horror but there was no escaping.

Every inch of my body was suddenly covered in coffee pee droplets. I just stood there stunned, wiped up as much as I could, and walked shame-faced back to my seat, smelling strongly of coffee the whole way...and hopefully not of anything else...

The worst walk of shame I've ever had. I will never again flush an airplane toilet without putting the seat down first, and I will NEVER tell people I actually know this story.


6. Disaster On The Ski Slopes

Not only was this the most embarrassing event ever to befall me, but it also happened at the most embarrassing age: 13.

I was at a ski resort. Our hockey team decided to have the annual Christmas party there, so there were 20 other awkward 13-year-old boys and their awkward families on hand.

It was starting to get dark, and everyone returned to the chalet for pizza and hot chocolate. But I was always an avid skier, and I decided to get in one more run alone before calling it a night.

And I had saved the toughest slope for last - a double black diamond.

The wind was lapping at my face as I began to criss-cross my way down the perilously steep run. I was about to hit a small jump when… it happened. I pooped my pants.

There was no warning. No rumble of distant thunder, just the sudden deluge. And I pooped everything: crayons and croutons, Tonka trucks and toenails, the complete works of Oscar Wilde and Lilo and Stitch on VHS.

And of course, I couldn’t stop skiing while this happened. I had to keep fighting my way down the hill as my tears froze to my cheeks and my shame ran down my legs and pooled in my boots.

When finally I reached the end of the run, I threw my skis away and began to trudge the two hundred yards or so back to the chalet, pushing people out of the way as required, making tracks in the snow with a sickening squelch, and dreading what would happen when my teammates found out.

Somehow, mercifully, I was able to get my dad’s attention without anyone seeing (or smelling) my presence. I pulled him aside and explained my predicament. To his eternal credit, he made my excuses to my teammates, telling them I was ill.

Then he discreetly drove me home and never told a living soul. But he did make me keep my window rolled down in -10 weather all the way back.

I guess I can’t begrudge him that.


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5. Private Package

My high school girlfriend asked if she could mail some underwear/kink stuff to my house because she couldn't pass off getting mail when her parents collect it. Fine with me, my family is very serious about privacy.

However my neighbor wasn't, and the mailman delivered it to her house. She opened it not realizing it was addressed to my house. She panicked, not knowing what to do, and brought it to my house. I wasn't home, so my older sister collected it and left it on my bed.

When I returned home, all my sister said was "There's a package on your bed and we're never speaking of this again." I found it hysterical, my girlfriend was mortified.


4. A Family Affair

My divorced dad was playing horseshoes in a league with my aunt (mom's sister). They went together one night when I was about 16. I went to a friend's house to sleepover and didn’t think any more of it. Until I got home the next morning and her car was still in the driveway. Innocent and stupid me went into the house expecting my aunt to maybe be crashed on the couch or something. Then I heard the shower running and thought, weird, maybe she’s taking a shower before she leaves. Then I heard my dad's laugh coming from the bathroom with my aunt laughing too. I tip toed out of the house and went right back to my friend's house completely flabbergasted by what I just walked in on.


3. Ghost Of A Girlfriend

My brother had an imaginary girlfriend with an imaginary Facebook profile. She would post loving, imaginary messages on his wall. I asked about her a few times then got a little more persistent. After a while, I got suspicious and did an image search for her photos. They were from another person in another country. Also, no one every saw the imaginary girlfriend. If someone asked me about her after seeing their loving Facebook exchanges, I would kind of imply that we'd met to spare my brother (and myself) embarrassment. Eventually, he stopped talking about the imaginary girlfriend and she stopped posting imaginary things. I will never ask what happened to her. I'm pretty sure he will never mention her again. She's still on Facebook.


2. Laying It To Rest

When we first moved into our house my wife and I bought a new bed. The instruction manual said that it would take two people 2 hours to put together (which was a lie).

After about 4 hours of snapping and shouting at one another (“You know when I said 'hold that bit still?' Did you think I actually meant 'Move it up that way and NIP MY FINGERS FOR THE 17th TIME!?!?'") we finally finished.

We agreed then and there to have a drink and never speak of it again. That was a pretty dark day in our marriage.


1. Spicy Wife

When it happened I was sworn to secrecy. My wife was pregnant and preparing for a home birth. When she was within a month of her due date the midwife instructed her to start doing these stretching exercises on her cervix. She had been peeling some roasted chili peppers, washed her hands and went to the bedroom to do said exercises. Apparently she did not wash thoroughly enough because in just a few seconds she was in agony. There wasn't anything she could do for it. Just had to tough it out. I struggled with showing sympathy and not laughing my head off. The child is now an adult and has a great fondness for spicy food.