I was tipsy and tried to look cool by wearing sunglasses at night (if ANYONE missed the memo: you don't look cool if you do that).

Walked right into a 1m high metal pole at full walking speed and hit my junk. Cue lying on the floor in excruciating pain.

It was one of the first times I tried shaving, I was like 12? Shaved my legs. Shaved my arms. Shaved my armpits. Proceeded to "shave" my tongue.

The tongue bleeds. A lot.

It was 5 am, and I must not have been awake yet because while walking to work I tried to smoke my coffee and drink my smoke. This resulted in me burning the heck out of my forehead when I tipped the hand holding my smoke up like I would if I were drinking.

In order to get a better grip on a garage door in order to pull it down, I used the open areas where the door bends to place my fingers. Pulled that door down and then nothing but alarms all throughout my body. Fortunately, I only lost one fingernail.

I was unloading 2 bags of flour, each 25 pounds, from the back of my car. With the 2 bags in one arm I used my other arm to shut the hatch back on my car. The momentum of pushing the hatch down caused me to fall backwards, flat on my back, with 50 pounds of flour on me. I was fairly certain that day that was how I would be found, dead, covered in flour.

I once went on my balcony to smoke a cig, only I forgot there was no balcony anymore because it was getting fixed. So I broke my leg falling one story down. Now the real irony was, my mother wanted to fix the balcony because it was old and she was afraid it might break off and I might hurt myself.

In high school I was showing off with a staple gun and accidentally stapled myself in the chest. THEN, when telling the story later, picked up a staple gun to demonstrate and accidentally did it again. I am not a clever person.

I was being attacked by aliens in a dream, when they backed me into a corner I kicked one hard in the head. I woke up immediately in pain, I had just kicked my wall in real life. Badly sprained my ankle, couldn't walk properly for a week.

Alright, so my sister is only one year older than me and when we were very young (me 3, and her 4) we were in the bath together. I guess my mom thought this way was easier. She left to get something and my sister said that I should dive into the tub like a dolphin. Me, being the idiot toddler I was, decided this was a wonderful idea and dove right in. Had to get 3 or 4 stitches and a lifetime of stories told about it.

I was finishing up this intense jigsaw puzzle, which was on a low table, so I spent the entire night crouching on the balls of my feet. The next morning, my right foot turned purple and swelled up to the size of a large orange. I was on crutches for a couple of weeks.

I was 8 years old and running home on my lunch break so that I could watch Inspector Gadget, which came on at noon. I decided it would be neat to look down at my feet while I ran, and next thing I know I've run full speed into a parked car. I think I laid like a dead body on the road for a good 5 - 10 minutes it hurt so badly. I was late for my Inspector Gadget episode and never told anyone what happened.

When I was in like middle school I was shaving my legs and then I brought the razor up to put it back on the shelf and I held it too close to my body and I cut my chest open. Hurt so bad. Didn’t tell my parents or see a doctor, just had a swollen cut breast for a while. No big deal. I'm such an idiot.

When I was thirteen I was walking down my street and there was a bee that landed on me right under my eye. In a brilliant move I brain-farted and punched myself in the face trying to “swat” it away.

My brother was teasing me while I was doing homework (think I was maybe 8 or 9 at the time) and after a few minutes, I snapped. Took my pencil, and went to jab him with the eraser end, so as to not hurt him too badly and get him to shut up. To get a bit more force behind it, I decided to wrap my index finger over the other end...the end with the point. I’m sure you can guess what happened next.

A lot of crying and a trip to the emergency room later, I had a pencil point being removed from my finger.

When I was 5, I was rushed to the ER twice in the same week. First I slid down the banister as the door below swung open and I crashed head first into the corner of the door, then 3 days later I was playing on the radiator, slipped off, and smashed my head again. Doctors thought my parents were abusive and there was an investigation over it, apparently.

I went to take a plate of Totinos pizza rolls out of the microwave. The plate was so freaking hot that I dropped it. Molten cheese bounced up and was burning through my ankle. I went to stick my foot in the sink to run it under cold water as if I am flexible enough to stand on one foot and get my leg up that high.

I fell backwards and cracked my head like an egg. I had a third degree burn on my ankle, second degree burn on my fingers and 6 staples to the dome. All because I wanted some freaking pizza rolls at age 30.

I no longer have a toenail because the garbage was too heavy.

I was taking the garbage out in sandals but the garbage bag was too heavy to carry so I put it on my skateboard and rolled it down to the street. The tip of the skateboard lodged under my big toenail and ripped it off. Three faulty regrows later, I just don't have a toenail on my big toe anymore.

When I was about 16, I was telling some story to my sister's boyfriend. I was rather animated about it and began to flail my arms about.....until I hit the glass fixtures of our ceiling fan and showered glass upon myself. Part of the glass cut around my nose and I begin to rain blood. Was left with a nice scar and a decent story about situational awareness while speaking

I was listening to music while getting ready to cook dinner and decided to use the frying pan as a mic. Did one of those look away from the mic to take a breath moments only to turn back dramatically at a powerful lyric and hit myself in the face with the pan.

Not about me but someone who sat next to me in a class a while ago... she was clipping her toenails and a big toenail flew up and hit her in the eye and she had to go to the doctor cause it cut her eye. So she has a bandaged eye for a while.

As a kid, I saw a rabbit on the other side of a fence so I tried to climb over... Knowing full well it was an electric wire. Naturally I fell off the wood between the wires and pretty near electrocuted myself when I fell onto the wire. Never did get a hold of that stupid rabbit.

I was at work in a high stress office complex in Virginia. The work made you eat quickly and often at your desk. I was eating a baby carrot and tortilla chips, when all of a sudden I get stabbed with the edge of a chip midway chewing a carrot. Blood all down my throat (the chip was sharp) and I turned blue choking on baby carrots.

Good times nearly getting killed by a chip and a carrot. Learned to slow down when eating.

I was leaning over a fence post trying to bend straight a nail I'd just miss-hit and bent. Only rather than use the claw of the hammer, I used the face of the head of the hammer, slipped off and smashed myself in the forehead, a good 15 years later and I still have a scar on my forehead like a crap Harry Potter.

Take your pick:

I burned the shit out my hand on a go-kart muffler trying to help the neighborhood kid push it out of a ditch. Ended up with a blister 4 inches high on my palm.

Another time, I was running through the house (on tile) with socks. Inevitably I slipped and had to catch myself on the couch. Unfortunately I got my finger stuck between the cushions... broke my finger.

Both of these happened in the same year.

Anybody who has TMJ knows you can aggravate it in the stupidest ways. When I was in high school I was eating an apple and my jaw completely froze as I was taking a bite. The apple was just hanging from my mouth suspended by my teeth. I looked like a horse with brain damage.

I had to get my dad to extract the apple from my mouth. It hurt like a mofo for a looooong time. I couldn't chew or talk properly for months and my entire face was crooked because my jaw was stuck off to one side.

It healed eventually, but later I set it off AGAIN by eating a cookie. I once set it off by yawning too wide. It sometimes goes off on its own for no reason.

I wish I knew what it was like to have a working jaw.

When I was 7 or 8 I was at a civic family day when things were wrapping up. They were deflating the bouncy castle and it looked so poofy. I ran over to it and did a full trust fall into the poofyness.

My body displaced the air and instead of a poofy cushion I ended up doing a belly flop onto the ground.

Knocked the wind out of me. Luckily no one saw me do it.

In the same year I was climbing a tree, I got pretty high up and decided it would be a good idea to try and jump from the top of the tree I was in to the one beside me. So I went for it, I leapt gloriously through the air and caught a branch on the other tree. I made it! I was so excited.

Well the branch I caught on to on the other tree held me for a bit, then when I tried to shimmie my way to the trunk to climb down it snapped. I fell through the tree hitting what felt like every branch it had.

I landed flat on my back; my sister thought I was dead. Somehow I just stood up and walked it off. My sister checked my back and I had a massive cut down the whole thing because a branch caught me up my shirt. It likely stopped me from really getting hurt because it slowed me down quite a bit.

I'm pretty sure up until age 12 my body was made of jello, I did a lot of stupid things and didn't die.

Climbed on top of a ladder and placed the hammer and the large tape measure on the top step. I climbed down, collapsed the ladder, forgot about the stuff I left on top and got conked on the head with the tape measure, only narrowly missing the hammer.

I'd be a terrible construction worker.

When I was a kid I stuck my finger in a car dashboard lighter. I pushed it in and out super quick, so I guess I thought it wouldn’t be too hot. I was wrong and I don’t know what I expected.

Gave myself a busted lip by dropping my phone on my face. My boyfriend at the time asked me what I'd done and how that was even possible, so I showed him, and promptly dropped the phone on my face again.

My father's story but it's good. He was demonstrating to a team of guys he was training how NOT to operate a cement mixer. And lost most of his finger.

On the plus side, the guys now know why exactly not to do whatever he did.

I had a bad sinus infection one year and I ran out of tissues in the car driving home from work. I was desperate so I grabbed a receipt from the cup holder to wipe my dripping nose. Somehow I gave myself a paper cut INSIDE my nostril. Holy crap, it hurt so badly. I don't know how I didn't pull over with blood and snot pouring down my dumb, stupid face.

When I was 32 on the outside and 10 on the inside, I got into a discussion with a buddy about who would win a foot race. Of course, we decided there was only one way to find out.

I was winning when I stumbled over nothing, fell, tried to roll with it... on the concrete. I did hop up and laugh it off, then we had drinks. After the adrenaline, and bourbon wore off, I was in a lot of pain. Fractured arm, broken collarbone, sprained MCL and lots of bruises.

Thankfully it was 7 years ago so the two cellphone videos are grainy and fairly terrible.

I once stabbed myself while doing dishes. I had too much cutlery in the caddy, and not enough weight on the dish rack, so the rack flipped over. Was during a discussion with my SO and I instinctively reached out to stop it, but caught a just-sharpened Henkel paring knife in the palm of my hand. Pointy end first. So much blood, and SO had to redo all the dishes, too.

You know how when you put a comforter on a bed you kind of whip it from the edges to make it fall into place? I whipped it so hard that the wave crest of the comforter hit the chain cord for the ceiling fan, which was on. The chain cord had a weighted ball at the end that swung up into the spinning ceiling fan. The weighted ball broke off the chain and became a projectile that nailed me in the testicles -- hard. I dropped to the ground immediately and was in pain for a solid day.

Stuck my finger in a rabbit cage at a friend's house and had one of my finger nails get chewed off.

Also walked around my house looking through binoculars backwards and walked straight into a wall, getting two black eyes in the process.

Used to work at a recycling plant and everyday for 1 hour till the end of our shift we had to clean up.

So I was sweeping the concrete floor with those long, fuzzy brooms. After 20 minutes of sweeping I'm getting bored of looking busy so I set the end of the handle in between my chest and continue walking while simultaneously pushing the broom.

As I'm sweeping like an idiot on the smooth concrete, I hit a worn out portion of concrete where it's rough and jagged and the end of the handle comes flying up and hits me right in the throat.

I can't breath for what seems an eternity and I'm thinking to myself I'm too young to die.

Realistically, after 5 seconds I was fine.

In college I went to visit one of my roommate’s hometowns. It was near a well-visited summer destination, with a large river. We took his dad’s boat out and proceeded to check out the girls and blast around the water.

Being the smart 19-year-old I was, I decided to moon him from the front of the boat. Well, he cut the engine and we hit a cross wake. My bare butt flew over the front, I hit the keel of the boat, twisted, and I was dragged under the prop, getting cut from the small fin under the blades.

My legs went numb, and my bathing suit was around my ankles. My buds had to help me onto the boat with my junk hanging out and blood streaming from my buns. As I regained feeling in my legs, we went to the hospital to make sure not much more than my ego was injured. And all while my buddy kept asking me if I was going to sue his dad.

I tweaked my story to the nurse, saying I just fell over the front. She suspiciously asked why my bathing suit wasn’t cut up. I told her it was just big and must have fallen down.

Two days later, I had to drive my broken self 8 hours back to school and call off my job for the week (doctor’s orders). And no, none of us were drinking. I was just a stupid, stupid, stupid man. Still am, I guess.

My dad had taken me and my siblings to get ice cream. He was pulling into the driveway. I wanted to see what would happen if I opened the door and put my foot on the ground. You get hurt is what happens.

Also grabbed the cord from a hot iron after being told not to about 6 times. Fell on my chest.

Was super hungover another time and tried to plug a cord in. Put my body in a weird position. My left side cramped. Stretched the other way to uncramp it. That side cramped. Then one of my calves cramped. Just had to wait it out and move around like an idiot.

I get off my couch after a nap kind of aggressively. I push myself up with my hand and swing my feet out and under me in one motion. One time they were wrapped pretty right in the blanket. Luckily my face was there to catch my fall.

No idea how I've made it to 27.

At my second grade Christmas concert we were drawing pictures before the show and I accidentally stabbed myself in the head.

Blood everywhere, pencil sticking out of my head I ran to the teacher who of course freaked out and rushed me to the nurse. She yanked it out and gave me a bandaid (this was the early 90s).

It didn't really hurt. I got a cool scar and still sang in the Christmas concert.

Let's see, there's certainly a lot:

• Broke my middle finger trying to block a shot in door-hanger-basketball. Punched clear through my ceiling. That one felt particularly dumb at the time.
• I drank some coffee and burnt the crap out of my mouth really bad. This obviously startled me, and made me throw most of the coffee into the air. Oh no. I tried to get out of the way in time, but my foot got hooked on the chair and I fell straight on my face. Despite my best efforts, a surprising majority of the hot coffee still managed to land on me. And that hurt even worse than the floor.
• I tried to catch a dart once.
• I can't take full credit for this one, but my SO once attempted a 360° maneuver whilst the two of us were mid-coitus. A pirouette of sorts. At first it was nice, like a gentle breeze. But then something grabbed me. I don't exactly know what happened, but she fell off awkwardly and I think she might have screamed. Or maybe I screamed, it's all kind of a blur. I spent the next three days on Web MD wondering if I should go to the hospital.
• I was playing with my dog using a laser pointer and wanted to see what would happen if I put the red dot on my foot. I was like 10, but still. Really seems like that should have been old enough.
• I partied too hard at a bar and tied to fight a gentleman much bigger than myself. I was honestly just messing around but he certainly wasn’t. I had never been thrown before, but I must say it was definitely an eye opening experience. For just a moment, you’re floating among the clouds like a bird. There's a moment of bliss where your surroundings kinda melt away. I explicitly remember thinking to myself, "Wow, this is kinda beautiful". That was right before slamming directly into a wall.

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Was driving home from work one day and decided to take a sip of my fountain drink I had purchased. Being the attentive driver I am, I didn't want to take my eyes off the road, so I grabbed the drink without looking and guided the straw into my mouth. Except I missed my mouth and jabbed the straw directly into my eye. Vision was incredibly blurry for 2-3 days, I was afraid I messed it up permanently. Luckily my vision returned and I was okay.

Lesson learned. Don't drink and drive. You can lose an eye.

I have two English mastiffs, a male weighing 200lbs and a female weighing 150lbs. I just got back from university and when they came to greet me chaos erupted. The male jumped up to give me a hug (trained him to do it since he was a pupper) and the female tried to squeeze between my legs. As I bend down to hold the female back the male ends up headbutting me in the face. I'm then stuck trying to fend off over 300lbs of loving dog with a bleeding nose and tears streaming down my face.

Happened 6 years and 3+ days ago. Was home alone early afternoon. Believed I was home alone. But then I heard a noise that I thought was inside the house. No one else should be home but me so I was spooked. I crept out and listened for movement and thought I heard a voice downstairs. I tried to sneak down the stairs but only made it to the first step. By the second step my heel slipped out from under me and I planted hard on the step and slid down to the last 3 steps, finally able to stop.

My shoulder was sore trying to save myself on the rail. My back is beat to heck from hitting all the steps down. My butt, my tailbone is pulsing nothing but pain. Trying to get up made it worse. Nothing felt broken. I was able to get up after a minute or so and baby step around the corner where I found the source. It was my neighbors talking in their backyard, and brother had his window open allowing it to carry into the house.

For five years if I sat longer than an hour my tailbone/coccyx hurt. Watching movies (which I love) was always troublesome. I got seat cushions for it that I couldn’t go without at home. About 7 months ago it just stopped. No more pain.

I went with my then-wife to her 20 year high school reunion. I'm a pretty good dancer and after a couple of drinks, I was feeling fine and frisky. Got out on the dance floor and showed those people how it was done.

I also showed them what it looks like when you leap back in a suave dance move and fully rupture your Achilles tendon. It felt like someone donkey-kicked my leg, and I looked like Leo DiCaprio at the end of Gangs of New York severely limping off the dance floor.

My wife, who was not on the dance floor when it happened, did not believe me when I told her. She continued to disbelieve me until the attending doctor in the ER taught us what a "Thompson test" is and why you don't want a positive result from one.

Moral of the story: Don't be a couch potato for a couple of years and expect to immediately bound about like Tigger on PCP.

Best part? The song playing was "Bust a Move" by Young MC.