Dating is hard. It's extra hard when you are young and have no clue how to act around the opposite sex (some people never grow out of this phase).
It doesn't help that seeing someone you like makes your brain turn off and entices you to do terribly stupid things. Unless you are me, looking for funny stories. Then it helps a lot.
Let's make their pain our gain, and laugh at these stories of people trying to impress their crushes by doing surprisingly dumb things.
55. Awkward, but it worked
54. Release the gimp
In fifth grade, I was a freaking loser. Of course, I didn't know I was a loser. I was in fifth grade. I had a buzz cut and I wore plaid on plaid and I rocked it, or so I thought.
So there was this girl, I'll call her Laura. Laura had the most perfect pigtails and the gap in her teeth was adorable, to me at least.
Well anyway, one day I heard Laura talking with some of her lady friends about joining a club after school. I was a loser, and I didn't really know what after school activities were. Well, they were talking about joining gimp club. I had no idea what gimp was. But I was gonna join that group, so I could ask Laura to be my girlfriend.
The plan was flawless. I told my mom I was going to join the club, and she was excited for me.
I walk in after school to gimp club, and I noticed I was the only boy. It was super awkward. Anyway, I ended up going right up to Laura after not having any previous social contact with her and said, "Hi I'm Pete, wanna be my girlfriend?" She said no. But I hung in there for the rest of the school year and owned that gimp.
53. Laying on the cheese
52. Breaking the glass door
51. The pieces didn't fit
50. Made the team, lost the girl
I joined football in junior high to impress her. We were kind of on again off again, but she was my friend and we hung out a lot when we weren't together.
I was at her house and she dared me to try out for football. I told her she had to be a cheerleader if I did. I was a burnout skater kid and she was a band nerd, so both were out of our comfort zones. I had never even seen a football game.
I made it but was on like, third string. Worked my way up to backup. I practiced harder and became a first string linebacker. Which then got me on powerlifting and track. Figured if I was all athletic and stuff she'd want to date me.
She cheered for like, one game. Sat out for the rest. Then she started dating my friend.
It contributed to us not being friends in high school.
49. He doesn't have the elbows
I was at a high school church retreat during the summer. We probably had around 300 kids with many pretty looking girls. One of the bus's transmission broke, so a good 30-40 of us had to wait for another charter bus to pick us up.
In the meantime, many of the guys were doing tricks, flips, and nifty jumps. They initially did some cool flips in the air that created an audience in the center of the room. They decided to take a short break, so there was my golden opportunity.
Normally, I was fairly quiet and shy around girls, but I decided to do something about it. I was a Yellow Belt in Tae Kwon Do at the time (laugh, I know) and thought that I could do a jump kick over a stack of pillows in front of them. I stacked 4-5 very large pillows that stood up to be a 4-5 foot tower. I took a step back and then began running to do my "move."
I did a jump side kick over the pillows. I thought that I would be successful because I cleared the pillows. However, I forgot to tuck in my back leg, so my foot caught onto the pillows and caused me to tumble over and fall
Trying to retain my dignity, I got up immediately in front of the girls and walked away. To my dismay, they started screaming in horror. I didn't quite understand what was going on, so I looked back and other people started screaming. Someone then pointed to my elbow and mentioned that it had been dislocated.
It actually looked quite disgusting. Everything between my elbow and hand was just dangling and the pain shot up soon after as I laid on the floor. I was saddened that I freaked out my secret crush, but, at the same time, was in so much agony that I didn't care as much anymore.
48. This one actually worked
47. Mom, let me smash!
46. I think I'd rather be single
45. Love - 0 Gravity - 1
44. That's honestly adorable
43. Physics: still not hot
42. Let's put a smile on that arm
41. Jesus didn't take the wheel
So there was this girl at the first high school I went to. Let's call her Anne because that's her name. She was gorgeous. Anne and I were friends. We got along really well but, as the cliche goes, I was into her, she dated jerks, etc. etc. I was 15 years old and deep in the friendzone. It wasn't pretty.
She runs up to me one Monday morning telling me about how she had "the best weekend ever!" She'd hooked up with this 21-year-old guy who drove her around, blasting music, doing burnouts in a parking lot and driving to the lake where they fooled around.
Every word was a knife in my gut. There was no way I could live up to this guy. He had everything, I had nothing. I wrestled with it till lunchtime when I had an epiphany.
The car.
It all stemmed from the car. If I could just get a car...
But I didn't have a car and I certainly couldn't drive one. Not letting that stop me I walked over to Anne and casually mentioned that I could drive her to soccer practice tonight if she wanted.
"What? You can't drive."
"Hm? Oh yeah, of course I can. My dad taught me when I was twelve. I could've sworn I'd mentioned that."
"No... No, you hadn't but.. okay.. cool. Thanks. Come round to my place at like, 6:30?"
"No probs."
My dad arrived home at 5.25 that day. Same as he did every day. I was watching TV as I usually did. He asked what the plan for dinner was, as he usually did. I replied that I'll walk down to the store and pick up some pasta or something, as I usually did. He said okay, and went to run a bath, as he usually did.
Unusually, instead of putting the dog on his leash for a walk I slid my dad's keys off the hook. Instead of walking out the front door I walked into the garage. Instead of not being a total idiot I was a total idiot. I opened up the garage door, shoved the key into the ignition, put the car into reverse and backed out of there.
I figured I had about an hour to learn how to drive before I needed to pick Anne up. This was good. I rolled down the street pretty slowly. My heart was pumping but I was in control. I adjusted the mirrors because I'd seen people do that before. It was lucky I did because that's when I noticed my dad running down the street with just a towel on, chasing after me.
I panic.
I slam the accelerator down.
The whole event probably took about 4 seconds. It was all in super slow-motion for me though so I can't be sure. I remember letting go of the wheel while still looking at my mostly-naked father in the rear-view. I remember shifting my gaze to the tall brown fence that was speeding toward me. I remember covering my head with my arms and feeling the thud of, what I now know was the airbag.
When I clawed the airbag off my face I stumbled/fell out of the car. I stood up in my neighbor's garden and looked at the bonnet of my dad's car, imbedded into the living room of the house. I stared at it for a long time. I heard a noise behind me and I turned to see my dad, his towel long since discarded, panting heavily and just, staring at me.
I calmly asked him, "What happens now?" He said he didn't know. So I just sat down on the lawn, amidst the debris and my naked dad sat down beside me and we didn't say anything. We just waited for the neighbors to get home.
Anne was late for soccer practice.
40. I like to call this the "too cool for school" approach.
Embarrassing to admit but the only time I truly tried to impress a girl was in primary school when I was about 10 or 11. I would swear when she was near and always gave the impression I didn’t care.
Backfired though, she just ended up thinking I had anger and behavioral issues
39. That is as bold as it is short-sighted.
I tried to do a back flip. I've never actually done a back flip before, not even on a trampoline. I actually wound up just jumping backward and hitting my head super hard on the ground, and then I woke up and threw up a bunch. If she ever had a thing for me (which all my friends said she did), it was gone that day.
For everyone worried, I did wind up going to a doctor, he said I was an idiot but that it was a minor concussion and not to worry unless more symptoms started happening, which they didn't.
38. You know, like the sun reflecting off the water!
I was a teenager, in high school and my crush walked up next to me while I was going through my bag, the sun was in my eyes and I had a crazy thought that having the sun in my eyes would make me look beautiful. He walked away after two seconds and I had a black spot in my eye for two days.
37. Cool your jets, Romeo.
I was abroad in the Dominican Republic. They had a dance competition on a stage, anyone could enter and it had around 200 people watching. I was about 9-10 ish and spotted a cute girl who must've been around 14-15... So obviously I decided the best way to get her attention was to get up on stage and dance my heart out.
Cue 3 minutes of awkward shuffling, while maintaining constant eye contact with that girl, and horrified/queasy looks from my parents. The coordinator cut me off early by pretending the speaker stopped working. I got a pity clap.
36. Smoking is bad for you.
When I was a teen, I took Tae Kwon Do classes and there were 2 beautiful girls around my age. They liked to go and have a smoke behind the mall before class and I wanted to be cool and impress them so I took up smoking too.
It was about 2 weeks in when one girl came to class early so I went and had a smoke with her. Then the next girl came in and wanted to have a smoke, so I went and had another one with her.
When we came back we started doing our warm-up laps and I felt very queasy, I had to throw up, so ran outside, right next to the Dairy Queen. I threw up all over the glass wall where the cashiers and several people eating looked on in horror.
35. You want to bend at the waist and lift with a jerking, twisting motion. You generate so much raw power and force that your muscles become 200x as strong!
On a 4th of July date after going out to dinner, I took her out on the lake in a canoe to watch the fireworks. It was awesome.
Young macho me, of course, turned down her offer of help with a large canoe and I manhandled that thing like it was nothing. Put her in it while it was on the grass and continued manhandling it to show off just how strong I was.
The next morning, I had to call in to work sick because my back muscles were so strained I couldn't get out of bed. My back was sore for over a week!
34. That's ballsy.
Getting up from the bleachers to play PE dodgeball, I tried to pull my sweat pants off while yelling, “LET’S DO THIS!”
Ended up yanking off everything, boxers and all.
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33. It's not a date until someone gets tear-gassed!
I lied and said I had experience in journalism (because I didn’t think we’d have anything except a brief encounter) when I’d actually only taken one class in college. Our first date he took me with him to report on a local clash between police and citizens and I got tear-gassed and robbed.
32. Every part of this story is worse than the last.
Tried to razor scooter down the steepest hill around. Crashed into the back of a funeral hearse and shattered the back window. There was a body inside and the family was outside waiting to either go to the cemetery or take the coffin inside. I got up, covered in blood and glass, grabbed my scooter and hobbled away to the nearest alleyway.
31. Seems like some rock-solid logic to me.
I was 13 and I had no idea how to look “cool” or “not a socially awkward mess” around girls.
So when riding my bike at the park, my dad had called me to leave, and there was a group of similarly aged girls nearby I thought were cute. My first thought in my sub-Neanderthal brain was, “Oh, in movies they like strong guys. I can lift my bike, I’ll show off that --” as if that wasn’t the stupidest thing ever.
So I lifted my bike over my shoulder, like you would a bag of ice or something. Except it’s a smaller mountain bike so it’s solid metal and very heavy. So there I am, trying to act like “I no need wheel this thing like normal person, me strong, me carry far way, I show.”
My dad just yells to me, “Hey bud, just wheel it, it’s just a bike.” As if it’s a normal occurrence that I forget how bikes work (I promise it wasn’t).
So do I put it down and just quit it? Nah, I have a hole to dig and China is the destination.
I just walk, a scrawny 13-year-old with a big bike on his shoulder, slowly and carefully all the way across a playground to the car. And my dad just puts it in and said: “It wasn’t worth it, huh?” And I just stayed silent.
My poor father probably sat there like “bless his soul, he’s simple.”
I sometimes, late at night, lay down calmly and just as I’m about to fall asleep, I get hit with this cold feeling of anxiety and terror as I remember that moment. If I could, I would have punched myself into a coma. I was an idiot.
30. I can hear John Madden now.
During my senior year of high school, I told one of my best friends (who was also this very sweet, very beautiful football-playing boy) to throw the football as high as he possibly could and I would catch it. I thought I could impress him and make him realize that I was the girl of his dreams. Long story short, he threw it really high, and I did not catch it.
Instead, I fractured my pointer finger when it bounced off my hands. I had to wear a finger cast to school for a few weeks and go to physical therapy. He felt terrible, and I felt like an idiot. He did buy me ‘I’m sorry’ flowers though, so that was nice.
People at school thought my finger brace was hilarious. I was constantly walking around the school giving a “Number 1” hand gesture to people, and everyone started gesturing back at me when I walked by them. Good times.
29. Swing and a miss!
I took my friend to the driving range. She asked if her insanely hot friend could come as well, and I said sure. She told me that she had never hit a golf ball before, so I thought this was my chance to impress her. We got to the range and I hit a couple of warm up shots while she got her clubs from the rental stand. She then stood at the spot next to me.
I decided to really crush a ball to impress her. I gave the swing everything I had but ended up missing the ball and clipping the ground. The club broke right off the pole and proceeded to bounce back to smack me in the face, all while she was watching. For the rest of the day, I had this huge shiner on my face, but at least I made her laugh.
28. Nailed it!
My first serious girlfriend was home alone and I thought it might be the day. I was 13 years old at the time, hormone-addled, and obviously confident that she was the love of my life. It was mid-summer and I planned to ride my bike to her place, which was only three miles away. I told my parents I was going to see my friend right around the block, but they warned me that a thunderstorm was rolling in. Stupidly, I ignored them.
Ten minutes later, I was only halfway to her house. I was terrified and crying, peddling as hard as I could to go against the wind. My all-metal framed BMX knock-off was a huge target for lightning, so that freaked me out even more. Thirty minutes later, I finally pulled into her garage. Her parents then pulled me in to get me out of the rain.
I told them this was the only house I knew on the street and that it would have been life-threatening to bike the rest of the way home in this storm. They smiled, knowing it was a lie. They treated me to a dinner which was nice but also extremely awkward because they definitely knew of my intentions. Then they drove me home, not saying a word to me the entire way.
27. This is not what we would call a good plan.
A guy in my elementary school liked a girl with glasses, and he didn’t want her to feel like an outcast. So, he would come home from school every day and stare right into a light bulb to try to damage his eyes. He thought his parents would have no choice but to buy him glasses. Unfortunately, his plan never worked.
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26. I like to believe it was her.
My sister was driving me back to college after Thanksgiving break and on the same road, there was this cool girl who drove a yellow Jeep Wrangler. At some point, she came up next to us in the left lane. Of course, I thought, it had to be her! I was in the passenger seat and decided it would be a great idea to open the sunroof, stick my head out, and say hello.
Mind you, we were going about 60 mph and I had my glasses on. I opened the sunroof, stuck my head out, turned to face the upcoming car, and my glasses FLEW right off my face. I’m practically blind without them, so I started to panic. I yelled at my sister to pull over, and we spent the next 30 minutes wandering around the side of the highway trying to find my frames.
They got pretty smashed up, but luckily the lenses weren’t too scratched. I was able to get some duct tape and a pair of sunglasses at a gas station and rig up the monstrosities, but I had to wear them for the rest of that semester since I had no money to buy a new pair. To this day, I still don’t know if it was her driving that Jeep.
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25. And a 10 from the Russian judge!
I dated a gymnast in high school. One time, we went to a park, and I was intrigued by a couple of parallel bars that I saw. They were designed for stretching, but I was convinced I could do a handstand on them, even though she kept insisting that they were too far apart. When I attempted the handstand, they were indeed too far apart, and I collapsed downwards, jamming my chest past my hands and tearing all the ligaments holding my muscles to my breastbone.
24. Women like a man with a hard head.
When I was 15 years old, I dropped a heavy book on my head. It was an old dictionary; a single volume that was easily eight inches thick and probably weighed 15 lbs. I laid down on the floor, held it over my head with my arms fully extended, and dropped it right onto my forehead. I guess I thought it would show my crush how tough I was?
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23. If someone goes to all that trouble to get you a pizza, you suck it up and eat a piece.
He mentioned he liked this little independently-owned pizza place across town. We were in college and I didn’t have a car, so I took a bus across town to pick up a pizza and bring it to our informal club meeting. It took like an hour on the bus and the pizza was definitely cold by the time I got back. When I offered him some, he turned it down.
I later learned that he was a super picky eater and didn’t like any of the toppings I got. Thankfully, one of my friends helped me eat it because it was so big. I must have impressed him some other way, though, since we’ve now been together for almost six years! It’s funny how love works -- you just never know what can happen.
22. At least you learned how to play guitar.
I was 14 years old and totally in love with this girl from my class. We kinda flirted for a year but got nowhere. She was the kind of girl who liked the attention, so you can imagine how she kept me hooked onto her knowing I had no chance. Since it was getting close to Valentine’s day, I decided I was going to impress her by learning how to play guitar.
After a whole week of practicing like a madman, I was able to learn two songs that I knew she loved. Convinced I’d hit jackpot, I courageously went to her house, called her out told her that I had a surprise. She popped her head out of the door, saw me and my guitar and went straight back inside, all while telling me to go away.
21. I like large parties. They’re so intimate. At small parties there isn’t any privacy.
This past year, I threw a fairly large college house party just so the guy I liked could attend. I didn’t want to show him too much favoritism, so I tried to run around and talk to everyone like the main host would naturally do. Luckily, my best friend kept him company and acted as my faithful wing woman. The night ended with me and my crush talking outside, getting closer and closer until he asked me if I threw the party for him.
Even being tipsy didn’t soften the blow of straight awkwardness. I tried to laugh it off and deflect, but I’m a terrible actor. Looking back, it was kind of obvious the entire party was an excuse to see him because it was common knowledge that his favorite book was ‘The Great Gatsby’ and my entire party was themed after it.
20. Silver lining: they went home with you.
I was alone in a park that was across the street from my house. I was standing by the monkey bars just fooling around when I saw a group of five girls cycling towards me, all about 16 years old. Thinking I could impress them, I jumped on the monkey bars, still making eye contact with them. Suddenly, I completely missed the bars and fell from a six-foot wooden platform, flat on my face. They ran over and asked me where I lived so they could carry me home. They were really sweet about it but it was pretty embarrassing for me.
19. You miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
In my sophomore year of high school, I asked a girl out on Valentine’s Day by having red, pink and white carnations delivered to her homeroom. I walked by her homeroom, and my buddy signaled at me by shaking his head. Already disappointed, she came out and told me she had a boyfriend. She kept on repeating, “Do you understand?”
In retrospect, I probably had the “deer in headlights” look on my face. The worst part was that I was pretty confident about her saying yes and I had told all my friends about it. The train ride home that afternoon was pure torture as my friends made fun of me non-stop for the entire ride. In my defense, she had invited me to her birthday party a few weeks before and her boyfriend wasn’t there. To say I was gun-shy after that would be a major understatement.
18. Cool guys don't push people into rivers.
My crush and I organized a surprise party for our mutual friend, which was to take place before we all went out for a bar crawl. I had hoped to show her that I could be a pretty cool guy by helping out with the surprise and cooking a pretty good meal. Instead, I ended up getting blackout tipsy at the bar crawl and apparently, I tried to push her into a frozen river. Not such a ‘cool guy’ move.
17. You shouldn't be sticking random objects into places they don't belong
In elementary school, I was somewhat of a ladies man. One time at lunch, I thought, “Maybe if I shove this straw up my nose, all the girls will think it’s funny.” So I did it. Ten seconds later, there was blood all over my food because my nose started to run. I had to be escorted to the nurse, as well as see a specialist for a few months afterward. Lesson learned.
16. Allegedly fear is a powerful aphrodisiac.
When I was a senior in high school, I was giving this girl a ride home in a bad storm. Just as I assured her that everything was okay, my windshield wipers stopped working. Then, we heard an emergency broadcast on the radio that warned of a tornado that had touched down less than a mile away from us. I stopped under a bridge and let her cry while I put on my brave face.
I was so scared. That was the second time I had gone through a tornado situation. We literally couldn’t see anything at all through my windows because the rain was coming down so hard. My car started moving because the wind was so strong. It was the scariest experience of my life, but luckily we both made it out alive.
15. Second place is first loser.
I wasn’t good at sports, but I was fairly quick, so I joined the track team to impress a girl.
Turns out the girl wasn’t impressed by runners, but I did end up going to state in the 100m dash and placing 2nd.
14. Sounds like you dodged a bullet.
I made sure I was the one to return her jacket when she forgot it at school. When I gave it back to her the next morning she blamed me for stealing it, we didn’t end up together.
For the people that were wondering, I did not steal the jacket.
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13. I'm not entirely sure what to think about this.
The guy I was seeing went on a vacation with his family for 2 weeks, and I had the key to his place to feed his cat.
While he was gone, I painted his bathroom. He thought it was weird, but seemed mostly ok with it.
But it worked…he married me in October.
Photo by Gabor Monori on Unsplash
12. What a champion.
I tried to do a flying sidekick on this upright punching bag, but my pants were too tight, so I just fell and ripped my pants at the same time. The girls we were with laughed, and then I got a cab home.
11. Tattoos are forever.
I started getting tattoos to look cool and have an excuse to talk to her. It worked, but we only dated for a couple of months. It’s the biggest mistake of my life.
10. Nice save.
I was about 14 and met this dime who was vegan. She was cool and punk and did I mention she was a dime? Anyway, when she told me she was vegan I told her I used to be but now I’m bulimic. Needless to say, I wasn’t sure what being bulimic meant at the time.
9. That's a big oof from me.
I hoarded a bunch of stuffed animals I won at a local arcade over the summer for this girl I really liked. One night, I thought, you know, tonight’s the night. I’m going to surprise my crush with all these stuffed animals, and she’s going to fall in love with me. So, I threw them in a white garbage bag, walked two miles down the road to her house during sunset, and knocked on her door. She answered the door while I concealed the bag of goodies behind my back.
She awkwardly asked what I was doing at her house and I revealed the surprise. She slowly grabbed the bag from me, looked inside of it, and gave me an awkward thanks while closing the door. Right then and there, I realized I miscalculated the gesture and probably looked like a huge creep. I power-walked back home and to this day, I still think about it from time to time. I think it’s my brain’s way of punishing me eternally for putting it through that whole thing.
123RF.com
8. I used to play Runescape as a girl to get lonely nerds to give me free stuff.
Way back in middle school was playing me some good ol Runescape. Some girl in Lumbridge (starter town) asked me directions for something. I told her I would show her how to get there but instead of actually walking there I teleported nearby and told her to meet me. Felt super cool cuz the ability to teleport to that location had a lot of requirements.
Well, she never showed up.
So I added her as a friend. Didn't see her till a week later. Idk how but we started talking and eventually "dating" in Runescape despite being a whole country apart. Fast forward and we've been together for almost 8 years. Still somewhat long distance but we are both on the same side of the country now and usually see each other every month for at least a weekend and make it work.
7. She didn't deserve that ring!
When I was about 8 years old we took a field trip to the Field Museum here in Chicago. During our lunch break, I decided to wander off to the gift shop and see what they had. I had a huge crush on this girl named Victoria in my class and I saw this lady bug ring for a couple of dollars. I knew she liked lady bugs and I had money my parents gave me to buy something at the shop, so I decided to buy the ring and give it to her.
I was really nervous and kept waiting for the right time to do it. I eventually decided to just go for it and walked up to her near the end of the trip. She was with some of her friends which made me more nervous, but I found the courage to do it. She looked at the ring and laughed. Her friends joined her and she then tossed the ring in the trash.
I was completely devastated and tried hard to hold back my tears. Even though I'm over it now, that completely ruined my confidence with girls for a long time. Looking back, I may have embarrassed her by giving it to her in front of her friends, which is why she reacted that way, but whatever the case, it's probably the most embarrassed I have been in my life.
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6. Public embarrassment is never a good tactic.
Got up on stage and sang karaoke with modified lyrics directed at them... also got 3 other guys to help me out... They all told me it was a bad idea... I should have listened.
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5. It probably didn't look that bad.
Well…When I first got with my now husband I wanted a change so I dyed my hair jet black. I’m very, very white. I don’t know why, but I used the boxed dye on my eyebrows too!
I looked like a freak and I thought it was so cute and he’d love it. What is wrong with me.
4. This is incredible. Incredibly stupid.
I was in New Zealand, going to a beach party with some girls from the hostel I was staying at. To get to the party, you needed to take a $2 ferry across this inlet which was about 1km wide. I decided to swim it, to impress the ladies.
About halfway through, I realize that I'm slowly being swept out to sea and I'm losing strength. I'm not sure how, but eventually I made it to the other shore, about 100 meters away from the pier. The ferry had docked about 2-3 minutes before me, and I just nonchalantly walked over to meet the girls, as if I hadn't swum against a current to near exhaustion and was swept out to sea.
Good side: it worked and I ended up hooking up with one of the ladies. Bad side: the $2 was for a round trip, and I still had to pay $2 to get back once the party was over.
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3. In my head, I saw that going differently.
I was about 12 years old and riding my bike home from high school when I saw a pack of pretty girls ahead of me, like 5 years older. This stretch of road meant I had to ride on the pavement, so I thought I'd be cool and overtake them by dropping down into the road and then jumping back up the curb once I passed them.
Well, I almost died that day. My determination to impress the girls overtook the part of my brain that deals with logic and I severely miscalculated the jump. I skidded against the curb and it bucked me out into the middle of the road into oncoming traffic. I scrambled to get back onto the pavement and my bike flew clean off the ground and I was propelled into a bush.
Goal achieved: I overtook the girls. And they did come over to help and called me cute when I started crying, so I took it as a win. I haven't been on a bike since, though.
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2. Might as well just start walking home, kid.
When I was in 6th grade my parents talked me into going to a week-long church camp. I didn't know personally any of the kids going, but they sold me that everyone would praise Jesus, ride horses, and have a good time. I decided to go. It was like a 6-hour drive in one of those big white vans. Quickly everyone started whipping out their CD cases and exchanging music and I instantly was panicking. I only had 2 CD's: Britney Spears "Baby One More Time" and Everclear. I was a really weird kid. Everyone was trying to talk to me about music and I had honestly never heard of any of the bands they were talking about. I just wanted to jam some Britney to myself. So naturally, I went the elitist route, said I had all of that music and I was listening to some new underground stuff they hadn't heard of.
Once we get to camp all I'm thinking is let's find some friends quick because I can't talk to these kids anymore. I go to the pool and make some friends with a few older kids. There were 3 girls, 2 guys, and me. They were all in 8th grade so obviously, they were really cool. Plus, I thought the girls were really hot. I figured this would be the best time, if any, to get my first kiss. We decide to leave the pool and walk around the camp until we all had to have a group meet up. The "cabins" were separated by grades so they said they would walk by the 6th-grade cabin and pick me up.
The first thing I do is put on my freshest outfit. Great time to break out my fresh white T-shirt. Can't forget my jean shorts. This was pre faded denim, so this was the industrial bright blue jean shorts. It's summer in Texas so I might as well top the outfit off with knee-high white socks. And, of course, Doc Martens. I looked like a weird redneck lumberjack. So I walk out and they're kind of like what are you wearing, but whatever. It's kiss time.
We start walking and one of the older guys farts and all the girls laugh. Boom. Found my in. My friend Travis and I have been making fart jokes for quite some time so I'm up to speed on this area of humor. Bam, the other guy farts and all the girls laugh even harder. Got em. Now I'm thinking all I have to do is drop the biggest fart and literally the girls are going to laugh so hard they're going to each kiss me one by one. I start clenching and squeezing my stomach as hard as I can. I'm walking like a newborn deer. Then I feel it. Got a big one ready. So, instead of just dropping it out and laughing I wanted to make a big show about it. I run in front of the small group, squat down, turn just my head around, and forcefully poop myself.
This was all-out diarrhea.
If you didn't know this before, early 90's denim was the least forgiving fabric in the world. EVERYONE knew what had happened. It's running down my leg, being soaked up by my knee-high socks. Instantly, I just react and start running. Kicking up poo like mud off a truck. I've never been to this camp before so I'm just running for anything. I find a bathroom toss the socks, boxers, shirt, but I couldn't drop the jorts. I can't just walk across the CHURCH camp naked. Plus at this point, I'm thinking maybe they didn't really see it. I was really confident in my speed at the time so I was thinking I could say that's my thing. I drop giant farts and run before the smell catches me.
Come to find out, not only were the 5 people I crapped my pants in front of outside the bathroom waiting for me, but there were like 25 kids. Instantly, I just ran in my doc's and jorts combo back to the cabin I was staying in with the other kids chasing me and yelling "poopy pants"
I run to my bed to find all the music nerds I drove up with going through my cd case. It only has 2 CDs. They are like what is this nonsense? Thought you had TONS OF SECRET MUSIC BRO. Wait, did you poop your pants? So yeah that was about 4 hours into a week-long trip. I really thought farting would impress these girls. I lost my favorite pair of Jorts and a bit of my pride that day.
Pixabay
1. I mean, if it works it works, I guess.
So, to start, I’m a hairy guy. Chest and back just plagued with hair. It’s bad. Anyway, about three years ago, I had this huge crush on a girl. I had been telling my best friend this girl was literally perfection in my eyes: beautiful, smart, hilarious, and down to earth. But I couldn’t find a way to ask this girl to hang out with me without becoming awkward and making a fool of myself. I mean, I turned into a bumbling fool whenever I just said hi to her or made small talk so how in the hell am I supposed to ask her out? What was I going to do? It hit me, though. This girl does waxing as a side job, and I’m a hairy guy. It’s perfect, right? What if I make up an excuse for her to wax me?
So, one day, I send her a text and make up a reason as to why I need my chest and back waxed. She, of course, accepts the job, and next thing you know, I’m at her house on my back shirtless. As she’s applying the hot wax to my chest, it starts to hit me...this probably wasn’t the best way to get her to hang out with me. She applies the strip and RIP! Out comes a chunk of chest hair. I am not kidding when I say that it hurt. I’m doing my best not to show pain, but it’s damn near impossible. My face is giving it all away, and she’s having a blast with it. Of course, I want to tell her, “You know what, forget it! This isn’t for me!”But I can’t. I put myself in this situation just to spend time with her and I can’t back out now. So I take it. My chest hair and back hair, completely gone. By the end of it, I was filled with regret, bled a little, and I was $50 lighter. I left a broken, hairless man, and I realize how absolutely desperate I was to spend time with her. I took a wax of my chest and back for that girl...BUT, happy ending to all this, we’re currently engaged and we wed later this year. She loves to hold this story over my head because she finds it adorable I took a beating just so I can spend time with her. Mildly embarrassing but I take it because it makes her smile.
Pixabay
